Wednesday, January 30, 2013
NRA Promotes Real Guns To Children
WASHINGTON - The National Rifle Association is spending millions of
dollars to promote the use of guns to children as young as five years of
age. Called the No Tot Without A
Shot program, the NRA hopes to interest young people in the safe use of
everything from six-shooters to semi-automatic assault rifles.
“Real guns should be fun for kids,” says NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. “Instead of toy pistols why don’t we put real rifles in
their hands and show them how to safely shoot. Let’s replace the make believe ‘bang-bang-you’re-dead’ with
‘bang-bang-bulls-eye’.”
The NRA will promote its guns for tots program in TV
cartoons and comic books. Children
will be seen carrying western-style six-shooters and military weapons while
making the United States safe for democracy by wiping out both domestic
criminals and foreign terrorists.
“The point,” says LaPierre, “is to show that good guys with guns are
needed to stop bad guys with guns and the police are not always there to
protect us.”
While children’s advocates and schoolteachers across the
country are outraged at the NRA campaign they admit there is little they can do
to stop the gun craze. “If
children want to shoot real guns in a supervised environment it’s up to their
parents to decide,” says Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s
Defense Fund. “Our fear is that
one of these kids will turn out to be psychologically unfit to own a gun and
become a mass murderer,” she points out.
In response, the NRA notes that any deviant gun owner will
be facing a large contingent of his gun-toting peers who will blow his brains
out before he has a chance to do any damage. “Guns don’t kill people, good people with guns kill bad
people with guns,” argues LaPierre.
“Who in their right mind would go on a killing spree knowing that many young
people are now carrying weapons and trained to use them.”
According to the NRA, kids will soon boast about how many
and which type of guns their fathers’ own instead of comparing cars and
swimming pools as status symbols.
“We have a Glock 9mm and an AK-47at my house,” is the braggadocio of a
typical elementary school student that the NRA is aiming for. LaPierre also envisions kids trading
bullets instead of baseball cards.
The first TV episode for kids will involve a five-year-old
who is trained by his father to use a Beretta m9. Left home alone one night, the little kid foils a break-in
by blasting away at the intruder who turns out to be a friendly neighbor. The lesson, says LaPierre, is not to
shoot first and ask questions later.
“By enacting a terrible mistake kids will learn to be more careful with
their weapons.”
Eventually the NRA hopes to organize groups of children who
will proudly march in public carrying their guns. “In all modesty, I envision the LaPierre Youth, a
paramilitary organization with uniforms and black boots ready to defend Americans
against an oppressive government,” says the NRA Executive Vice President. “No Tot Without A Shot is our marching
orders.”
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Debt Ceiling May Crash Down on Congressmen
WASHINGTON - President Obama announced today that it was
time for Congressmen to make the hard choice between government spending and
services. He said he would take
immediate action following a vote on raising the debt limit to sever any
congressional district from Social Security, Medicare, aid to education, and a
whole host of federal government subsidies whose Congressmen voted “nay.”
“If the majority of folks in a district are opposed to
taxes, government borrowing and spending, and would like to keep government out
of their lives, then it’s only fair to exempt them from both federal taxes and
federal programs,” he said. “If at
some future time they would like to join the rest of the country then they can
elect a Congressman who will be supportive of our fiscal policies.”
The President claimed the Constitution gives him the
authority to withhold federal money from any rebellious Congressional
District. “I am prepared to sign
an executive order to that affect as soon as Congress votes on the debt ceiling
or refuses to bring it to a vote.
Let every Congressman who votes “nay” go back home and explain to his
constituents why they’re not getting their Social Security checks and why their
schools and police departments are forced to lay off many of their employees.”
The President pointed out that the same Congressmen who
supported federal disaster money for their State as well as military spending,
especially if there’s a military contractor in their district, without a blink
of an eye, are some of the same people who complain about big government. “Many of these Congressmen come from
States that receive more money from the federal government than we receive in
taxes from them. Then they have
the nerve hold back disaster relief to New York and New Jersey. What hypocrites!”
Republican response was swift. House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed the president
was a hypocrite by accepting Secret Service protection for his children but not
allowing NRA-trained volunteers to ride shotgun at every public school. He also threatened impeachment
proceeding if the president cut off any Congressional District from any federal
program.
“We want lower taxes, major cuts to entitlement programs,
more money for the military, and a balanced budget,” insisted McConnell. “Until we get a commitment from the
president for the proposed Republican budget he can take the debt limit and
shove it,” he added.
A group of private investors including Warren Buffett, Bill
Gates, and Michael Bloomberg have stepped up to the plate and offered to help
the government pay its debts for the remainder of the year at prevailing
interest rates. “When a rear end
of a horse threatens to destroy a country’s credit rating it’s time to bring
out the whips,” said Buffett. “A
little S&M might be just what this country needs.”
Monday, January 07, 2013
The New South Rises Like a Phoenix
AUSTIN, TEXAS - A coalition of southern states has banded together to form
an exploratory organization for the purpose of seceding from the United
States. Called The Confederate
Republican Political Alliance or CRPA, its members will consider the pros and
cons of forming a separate country.
Led by Texas Governor Rick Perry, Mississippi Governor Phil
Bryant and Alabama Governor Dr. Robert Bentley, the organization with invite
neighboring states, including Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana to join the
coalition. A decision on secession
will be reached before the end of the year, according to the governors.
“Texans would like to use Mexicans illegally crossing the
border for target practice, freely purchase guns without restriction, and
execute convicted murderers within 30 days following convictions, no questions
asked,” says Governor Perry. “As
long as we’re trapped within the U.S.A. there are too many constraints on our
freedom.”
“Folks in Mississippi would like to reinstate the poll tax,
segregate our schools, and make lynching a misdemeanor,” says Governor
Bryant. “We’re just sick and tired
of the federal government telling us how to run our state. Life was much better down here when
Negros knew their place and white men were never convicted of rape.”
“Here in Alabama we would like to see more Negros with
banjos on their knees than at the University,” chimes in Governor Bentley. “As a medical doctor I can attest to
the fact that the colored folk have lower intelligence but are terrific singers
and shufflers. Just look at Nat
King Cole, Dinah Washington, and Condolezza Rice, all from Alabama. They’re great performers who didn’t
need no higher education.”
The disadvantages of secession, according to the governors,
will be the loss of federal aid for roads and bridges, disaster relief, social
security, medicare, and other social programs. But in their opinion it would be a small price to pay to
create a truly white, Christian country where children can pray in public
school, abortion and gay marriage are illegal, and evolution is stricken from
textbooks.
The favorite name for the new country appears to be The
Confederate States of America. “We
would have our own militia,” says Governor Perry, “and the NRA has offered to
provide all the guns free of charge.
If the Negros don’t like it they can move to the U.S.A. We’ll provide a one-way bus ticket to
the blue state of their choice free of charge.”
A proposed national anthem may be a revised version of I’m A
Good Old Rebel. Instead of
bemoaning the south’s loss to “the lyin’, thievin’ Yankees” it would celebrate
its political victory over the “hated Constitution.” The southern governors claim their constituents would sing
I’m A Good Old Rebel holding semi-automatic rifles with a lot more enthusiasm
than the unsingable Star Spangled Banner.
“They can take the Stars and Stripes, Civil Rights, and
Obamacare and shove it up you know where,” announced Governor Bryant. “The Bible will be our constitution and
heaven help anyone who tries to stop us.”
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Texas Schools: Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
DALLAS, TEXAS - A Dallas kindergarten teacher who said she
was sick and tired of gun violence and couldn’t take it any more, brought an
AK-47 assault rifle into her classroom and mounted it on the wall. She said if anyone ever attempted to
harm any of her kids she would blast them with so many bullets that their
identity would be barely recognizable.
The teacher, Robin Redblood, was praised by her principal
and the parents of her pupils for her courage and determination. “She has set an example that we hope
other teachers in our school system will emulate,” said principal Wyat
Waterloo. “There are no Texas laws
that say teachers can’t have guns in their classrooms and no deranged
gunslinger is going to shoot up my school without a fight,” he added.
In addition to having the weapon on the wall, Redblood said
she was training her students on how to react if someone entered the classroom
and started shooting. “We’re
making our own body armor as an arts and crafts project and practicing a duck
and take cover technique just like soldiers are trained in the military,” she
explained.
District Superintendant Raymond Ranger said he not only gave
his stamp of approval to Redblood’s classroom weapon and survival training, he
also hoped that once these children reached junior high they will be ready to
carry their own concealed weapons.
“Imagine the surprise of a terrorist being faced with 40 students aiming
semi-automatic pistols in his direction,” he said. “It’s up against the wall motherfucker to anyone who tries.”
Governor Rick Perry predicts Texas will be the first state
where all its classrooms are self-armed.
“We’re not going to have any mass killings in our school system and
these teachers and kids with guns will keep our streets safe as well, “ he
pointed out.
The NRA has offered to provide weapons at cost and training
to any school in Texas willing to arm teachers, students and staff. This will be just like Apple
giving schools computer laptops,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “Instead of playing computer action
games they will experience the real thing.”
The NRA will also provide information and advice on constructing
barbed wire walls, watchtowers and prison-quality bars and gates to keep out
unwanted intruders. LaPierre
insists that people were a lot safer in the days of the Wild West than they are
in an elementary school today.
“I hear there is a secessionist movement in Texas,” said New
York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, an outspoken proponent of gun control. “If there’s anything I can do that
would help, like financial or moral support, just let me know.”
Friday, November 30, 2012
Congressional Lemmings Head For Fiscal Cliff
WASHINGTON - Representative Robert Dolt, a
moderate Republican from Illinois defeated for re-election, admitted that House
Republicans were using Cliff Notes as the basis for their unified position on the
deficit. He said relying on the Reader’s
Digest version to understand the economic impact for allowing all taxes to rise
and massive spending cuts to go into affect is like reading the first and last
pages of the Bible to find God.
House Speaker John Boehner strongly
disagreed. He cited an economic
analysis by the chairman of the economics department at Tuscaloosa Bible
College, Calvin Cashman, proving that the super rich “slobber for joy” when
entitlements are cut and they have more discretionary money to throw around. The theory, he said, is commonly
referred to by House Republicans as Dribble Down Economics.
“The super rich hand out $50 bills at company
Christmas parties, throw pocket change to the homeless in the streets, and make
significant contributions to political campaigns,” Boehner points out. “Why should we stifle these acts of
generosity and handcuff the economy by raising their taxes,” he argues.
Senate Minority Leader, Republican Mitch
McConnell, proposed an alternative to raising taxes by requiring people on
public assistance to stand on street corners with large upturned Uncle Sam hats
collecting donations to reduce the federal deficit. “People would much rather contribute voluntarily,” McConnell
insisted. “We can call it the
‘Brother Can You Spare A Dime’ campaign.”
Meanwhile Democrats have submitted a 932-page,
single spaced report with their proposals for increasing income and reigning in
spending. According to Treasury
Secretary Timothy Geithner, anyone owning Brooks Brothers suits or the
equivalent and driving a BMW, Mercedes or Jaguar would be required to
automatically pay a minimum $1 million in taxes. Government spending cuts, he
said, would include the elimination of toilet seats from all military aircraft. While Geithner claimed the
Administration was willing to negotiate his comment, “It’s my way or the
highway,” led observers to believe there was little chance for an agreement.
Citizens United reacted to Geithner’s proposals
by describing the treasury secretary as a “fiscal abortion provider” on a
right-to-life Web site. “Geithner
has his hands in your pocket and may be either a thief or a gay activist,”
reads the description. “Gun
owners, you know the right thing to do,” it warns. Boehner insisted the Republican Party had nothing to do with
this posting. However, he recommended
that Geithner might be safer staying out of Washington for a while.
Republicans published their Cliff Notes in little
red books to distribute and wave during public demonstrations. “It’s God, money and apple pie all in
one little primer,” says Boehner who describes the Republican’s economic
position as “an intelligent design.”
“If Jesus saves, so will thousands of wealthy Americans who support us,”
he proudly adds.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Republican Repetition Reaps Results Says Boehner
WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner wrote “we need to repeal
Obamacare” in an op-ed article for the Cincinnati Enquirer two weeks following
the election. The Ohio Republican
Congressman claimed that the new health care law would add to the debt ignoring
a report from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office which said the
Affordable Care Act would in fact lower the debt.
“Studies, polls, and statistics hardly matter if the results
are opposed to your beliefs,” Boehner says. “If you keep repeating your positions, regardless of the
evidence for or against it, people will ultimately believe you.”
Although many Republicans have used this tactic to advantage
it has come to be known as Boehner’s Doctrine. “Chose a controversial issue, repeat your view as a mantra,
and keep pounding away until the crows end up on the Thanksgiving dinner
table,” notes Congressman Paul Ryan who admits the tactic didn’t work as
planned in the recent election.
In the past year Republicans have recited their hari krishnas
about good and bad rape, voter fraud, intelligent design and folks looking for government
handouts. “We will keep chanting
our values for the next four years and that should convince voters that the
world is flat and man evolved from the Garden of Eden,” says Senate Minority
Leader Mitch McConnell.
Boehner suggests he may tweak the claim by the head of
Maine’s Republican Party that busloads of African American voters were brought
into the State to vote for Obama.
“I believe a charge that Democrats are supplying illegal immigrants with
false IDs to enable them to vote might stick,” he says. “That’s why we need to encourage them
to self deport by poking them with cattle prods. We can make Mexico appear as a paradise in comparison.”
The Speaker of the House says it’s time for Republicans to
go back to the mantra of “State’s Rights.” “Let’s get the federal government off our backs and allow
each state to decide who can vote, the legitimacy of rape claim, the proof of
evolution, and who is entitled to health care.”
As far as the so-called fiscal cliff is concerned, Boehner
insists he will not agree to any proposal from the President without a 20%
across the board tax reduction and the elimination of Obamacare. “If the President thought he had
trouble dealing with budget issues in his first term he’s in for a big surprise
in the coming years,” he predicts.
The Republican-controlled House, according to the Speaker,
has Obama by the gonads and warns that they will continue to squeeze until he
says “uncle.” “If we can’t win the
presidency then we will make life hell for the President,” he says. “That’s what we are able to do in a
free society. That’s what America
is all about.”
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Romney Provides Details of His Plan For America
BOSTON - In a press conference today with Romney supporters
softly singing in the background, Why-oh,
Why-oh, Did We Lose Ohio? Mitt Romney explained some of the details of his
agenda if he had won the election. “I admit I was a little vague on exactly how
I would deal with the major issues our country is facing but now is the time to
fess up,” he said.
“I claimed I would create millions of jobs for Americans and
I had planned to do just that,” he pointed out. “However, my plan was to ship undocumented workers in this
country to third world countries where they could work in American factories
for prevailing wages. This would
help the country twofold. First,
we would rid the country of people who came here illegally and second, these
people would send money back to help support their families in the U.S. It would be a win-win situation,” he
argued.
Concerning his pledge to eliminate Obamacare and replace it
with a health care program that wouldn’t increase the deficit, Romney outlined
his vision for providing medical services to all. “If you’re sick and you don’t have private insurance you
will be able to call a commercial, pay-per-minute 1-900 number and get advice
from a medical practitioner in countries such as India and Indonesia. If the situation is life-threatening,
the government will provide a one-way bus ticket to Canada,” he explained.
When it comes to Iran, Romney offered a unique political
solution to convince its leaders to abandon their nuclear research and
facilities. He said he would
threaten to airdrop thousands of Mormon missionaries into the country to
attempt quick conversions of the Iranian public. “It will be like a swarm of white shirt-and-tie locusts
descending on every neighborhood,” he said. “The ayatollahs would have a shit fit.”
While Romney campaigned to reduce every American’s taxes by
20% he admitted that the promise was a sleight of hand. To make up the difference Romney said
he would institute high taxes on gay marriages and abortions, eliminate
Medicare and Medicaid, and sell off the Social Security Administration to the
highest bidder. “I am confident we
can run this country just like I ran Bain Capital. If a private company is unable to run Social Security
profitably they can always fire the workers and ship it overseas,” he noted.
Romney encouraged Republicans in Congress to lobby for his
solutions to America’s challenges.
“In four years Republicans could be singing California We Have Won, Right Back Where Reagan’s From,” he
proclaimed.
