Wednesday, January 30, 2013
NRA Promotes Real Guns To Children
WASHINGTON - The National Rifle Association is spending millions of dollars to promote the use of guns to children as young as five years of age. Called the No Tot Without A Shot program, the NRA hopes to interest young people in the safe use of everything from six-shooters to semi-automatic assault rifles.
“Real guns should be fun for kids,” says NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre. “Instead of toy pistols why don’t we put real rifles in their hands and show them how to safely shoot. Let’s replace the make believe ‘bang-bang-you’re-dead’ with ‘bang-bang-bulls-eye’.”
The NRA will promote its guns for tots program in TV cartoons and comic books. Children will be seen carrying western-style six-shooters and military weapons while making the United States safe for democracy by wiping out both domestic criminals and foreign terrorists. “The point,” says LaPierre, “is to show that good guys with guns are needed to stop bad guys with guns and the police are not always there to protect us.”
While children’s advocates and schoolteachers across the country are outraged at the NRA campaign they admit there is little they can do to stop the gun craze. “If children want to shoot real guns in a supervised environment it’s up to their parents to decide,” says Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s Defense Fund. “Our fear is that one of these kids will turn out to be psychologically unfit to own a gun and become a mass murderer,” she points out.
In response, the NRA notes that any deviant gun owner will be facing a large contingent of his gun-toting peers who will blow his brains out before he has a chance to do any damage. “Guns don’t kill people, good people with guns kill bad people with guns,” argues LaPierre. “Who in their right mind would go on a killing spree knowing that many young people are now carrying weapons and trained to use them.”
According to the NRA, kids will soon boast about how many and which type of guns their fathers’ own instead of comparing cars and swimming pools as status symbols. “We have a Glock 9mm and an AK-47at my house,” is the braggadocio of a typical elementary school student that the NRA is aiming for. LaPierre also envisions kids trading bullets instead of baseball cards.
The first TV episode for kids will involve a five-year-old who is trained by his father to use a Beretta m9. Left home alone one night, the little kid foils a break-in by blasting away at the intruder who turns out to be a friendly neighbor. The lesson, says LaPierre, is not to shoot first and ask questions later. “By enacting a terrible mistake kids will learn to be more careful with their weapons.”
Eventually the NRA hopes to organize groups of children who will proudly march in public carrying their guns. “In all modesty, I envision the LaPierre Youth, a paramilitary organization with uniforms and black boots ready to defend Americans against an oppressive government,” says the NRA Executive Vice President. “No Tot Without A Shot is our marching orders.”
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Debt Ceiling May Crash Down on Congressmen
WASHINGTON - President Obama announced today that it was time for Congressmen to make the hard choice between government spending and services. He said he would take immediate action following a vote on raising the debt limit to sever any congressional district from Social Security, Medicare, aid to education, and a whole host of federal government subsidies whose Congressmen voted “nay.”
“If the majority of folks in a district are opposed to taxes, government borrowing and spending, and would like to keep government out of their lives, then it’s only fair to exempt them from both federal taxes and federal programs,” he said. “If at some future time they would like to join the rest of the country then they can elect a Congressman who will be supportive of our fiscal policies.”
The President claimed the Constitution gives him the authority to withhold federal money from any rebellious Congressional District. “I am prepared to sign an executive order to that affect as soon as Congress votes on the debt ceiling or refuses to bring it to a vote. Let every Congressman who votes “nay” go back home and explain to his constituents why they’re not getting their Social Security checks and why their schools and police departments are forced to lay off many of their employees.”
The President pointed out that the same Congressmen who supported federal disaster money for their State as well as military spending, especially if there’s a military contractor in their district, without a blink of an eye, are some of the same people who complain about big government. “Many of these Congressmen come from States that receive more money from the federal government than we receive in taxes from them. Then they have the nerve hold back disaster relief to New York and New Jersey. What hypocrites!”
Republican response was swift. House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed the president was a hypocrite by accepting Secret Service protection for his children but not allowing NRA-trained volunteers to ride shotgun at every public school. He also threatened impeachment proceeding if the president cut off any Congressional District from any federal program.
“We want lower taxes, major cuts to entitlement programs, more money for the military, and a balanced budget,” insisted McConnell. “Until we get a commitment from the president for the proposed Republican budget he can take the debt limit and shove it,” he added.
A group of private investors including Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg have stepped up to the plate and offered to help the government pay its debts for the remainder of the year at prevailing interest rates. “When a rear end of a horse threatens to destroy a country’s credit rating it’s time to bring out the whips,” said Buffett. “A little S&M might be just what this country needs.”
Monday, January 07, 2013
The New South Rises Like a Phoenix
AUSTIN, TEXAS - A coalition of southern states has banded together to form an exploratory organization for the purpose of seceding from the United States. Called The Confederate Republican Political Alliance or CRPA, its members will consider the pros and cons of forming a separate country.
Led by Texas Governor Rick Perry, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant and Alabama Governor Dr. Robert Bentley, the organization with invite neighboring states, including Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana to join the coalition. A decision on secession will be reached before the end of the year, according to the governors.
“Texans would like to use Mexicans illegally crossing the border for target practice, freely purchase guns without restriction, and execute convicted murderers within 30 days following convictions, no questions asked,” says Governor Perry. “As long as we’re trapped within the U.S.A. there are too many constraints on our freedom.”
“Folks in Mississippi would like to reinstate the poll tax, segregate our schools, and make lynching a misdemeanor,” says Governor Bryant. “We’re just sick and tired of the federal government telling us how to run our state. Life was much better down here when Negros knew their place and white men were never convicted of rape.”
“Here in Alabama we would like to see more Negros with banjos on their knees than at the University,” chimes in Governor Bentley. “As a medical doctor I can attest to the fact that the colored folk have lower intelligence but are terrific singers and shufflers. Just look at Nat King Cole, Dinah Washington, and Condolezza Rice, all from Alabama. They’re great performers who didn’t need no higher education.”
The disadvantages of secession, according to the governors, will be the loss of federal aid for roads and bridges, disaster relief, social security, medicare, and other social programs. But in their opinion it would be a small price to pay to create a truly white, Christian country where children can pray in public school, abortion and gay marriage are illegal, and evolution is stricken from textbooks.
The favorite name for the new country appears to be The Confederate States of America. “We would have our own militia,” says Governor Perry, “and the NRA has offered to provide all the guns free of charge. If the Negros don’t like it they can move to the U.S.A. We’ll provide a one-way bus ticket to the blue state of their choice free of charge.”
A proposed national anthem may be a revised version of I’m A Good Old Rebel. Instead of bemoaning the south’s loss to “the lyin’, thievin’ Yankees” it would celebrate its political victory over the “hated Constitution.” The southern governors claim their constituents would sing I’m A Good Old Rebel holding semi-automatic rifles with a lot more enthusiasm than the unsingable Star Spangled Banner.
“They can take the Stars and Stripes, Civil Rights, and Obamacare and shove it up you know where,” announced Governor Bryant. “The Bible will be our constitution and heaven help anyone who tries to stop us.”
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Texas Schools: Shoot First and Ask Questions Later
DALLAS, TEXAS - A Dallas kindergarten teacher who said she was sick and tired of gun violence and couldn’t take it any more, brought an AK-47 assault rifle into her classroom and mounted it on the wall. She said if anyone ever attempted to harm any of her kids she would blast them with so many bullets that their identity would be barely recognizable.
The teacher, Robin Redblood, was praised by her principal and the parents of her pupils for her courage and determination. “She has set an example that we hope other teachers in our school system will emulate,” said principal Wyat Waterloo. “There are no Texas laws that say teachers can’t have guns in their classrooms and no deranged gunslinger is going to shoot up my school without a fight,” he added.
In addition to having the weapon on the wall, Redblood said she was training her students on how to react if someone entered the classroom and started shooting. “We’re making our own body armor as an arts and crafts project and practicing a duck and take cover technique just like soldiers are trained in the military,” she explained.
District Superintendant Raymond Ranger said he not only gave his stamp of approval to Redblood’s classroom weapon and survival training, he also hoped that once these children reached junior high they will be ready to carry their own concealed weapons. “Imagine the surprise of a terrorist being faced with 40 students aiming semi-automatic pistols in his direction,” he said. “It’s up against the wall motherfucker to anyone who tries.”
Governor Rick Perry predicts Texas will be the first state where all its classrooms are self-armed. “We’re not going to have any mass killings in our school system and these teachers and kids with guns will keep our streets safe as well, “ he pointed out.
The NRA has offered to provide weapons at cost and training to any school in Texas willing to arm teachers, students and staff. This will be just like Apple giving schools computer laptops,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “Instead of playing computer action games they will experience the real thing.”
The NRA will also provide information and advice on constructing barbed wire walls, watchtowers and prison-quality bars and gates to keep out unwanted intruders. LaPierre insists that people were a lot safer in the days of the Wild West than they are in an elementary school today.
“I hear there is a secessionist movement in Texas,” said New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, an outspoken proponent of gun control. “If there’s anything I can do that would help, like financial or moral support, just let me know.”
Friday, November 30, 2012
Congressional Lemmings Head For Fiscal Cliff
WASHINGTON - Representative Robert Dolt, a moderate Republican from Illinois defeated for re-election, admitted that House Republicans were using Cliff Notes as the basis for their unified position on the deficit. He said relying on the Reader’s Digest version to understand the economic impact for allowing all taxes to rise and massive spending cuts to go into affect is like reading the first and last pages of the Bible to find God.
House Speaker John Boehner strongly disagreed. He cited an economic analysis by the chairman of the economics department at Tuscaloosa Bible College, Calvin Cashman, proving that the super rich “slobber for joy” when entitlements are cut and they have more discretionary money to throw around. The theory, he said, is commonly referred to by House Republicans as Dribble Down Economics.
“The super rich hand out $50 bills at company Christmas parties, throw pocket change to the homeless in the streets, and make significant contributions to political campaigns,” Boehner points out. “Why should we stifle these acts of generosity and handcuff the economy by raising their taxes,” he argues.
Senate Minority Leader, Republican Mitch McConnell, proposed an alternative to raising taxes by requiring people on public assistance to stand on street corners with large upturned Uncle Sam hats collecting donations to reduce the federal deficit. “People would much rather contribute voluntarily,” McConnell insisted. “We can call it the ‘Brother Can You Spare A Dime’ campaign.”
Meanwhile Democrats have submitted a 932-page, single spaced report with their proposals for increasing income and reigning in spending. According to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, anyone owning Brooks Brothers suits or the equivalent and driving a BMW, Mercedes or Jaguar would be required to automatically pay a minimum $1 million in taxes. Government spending cuts, he said, would include the elimination of toilet seats from all military aircraft. While Geithner claimed the Administration was willing to negotiate his comment, “It’s my way or the highway,” led observers to believe there was little chance for an agreement.
Citizens United reacted to Geithner’s proposals by describing the treasury secretary as a “fiscal abortion provider” on a right-to-life Web site. “Geithner has his hands in your pocket and may be either a thief or a gay activist,” reads the description. “Gun owners, you know the right thing to do,” it warns. Boehner insisted the Republican Party had nothing to do with this posting. However, he recommended that Geithner might be safer staying out of Washington for a while.
Republicans published their Cliff Notes in little red books to distribute and wave during public demonstrations. “It’s God, money and apple pie all in one little primer,” says Boehner who describes the Republican’s economic position as “an intelligent design.” “If Jesus saves, so will thousands of wealthy Americans who support us,” he proudly adds.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Republican Repetition Reaps Results Says Boehner
WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner wrote “we need to repeal Obamacare” in an op-ed article for the Cincinnati Enquirer two weeks following the election. The Ohio Republican Congressman claimed that the new health care law would add to the debt ignoring a report from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office which said the Affordable Care Act would in fact lower the debt.
“Studies, polls, and statistics hardly matter if the results are opposed to your beliefs,” Boehner says. “If you keep repeating your positions, regardless of the evidence for or against it, people will ultimately believe you.”
Although many Republicans have used this tactic to advantage it has come to be known as Boehner’s Doctrine. “Chose a controversial issue, repeat your view as a mantra, and keep pounding away until the crows end up on the Thanksgiving dinner table,” notes Congressman Paul Ryan who admits the tactic didn’t work as planned in the recent election.
In the past year Republicans have recited their hari krishnas about good and bad rape, voter fraud, intelligent design and folks looking for government handouts. “We will keep chanting our values for the next four years and that should convince voters that the world is flat and man evolved from the Garden of Eden,” says Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.
Boehner suggests he may tweak the claim by the head of Maine’s Republican Party that busloads of African American voters were brought into the State to vote for Obama. “I believe a charge that Democrats are supplying illegal immigrants with false IDs to enable them to vote might stick,” he says. “That’s why we need to encourage them to self deport by poking them with cattle prods. We can make Mexico appear as a paradise in comparison.”
The Speaker of the House says it’s time for Republicans to go back to the mantra of “State’s Rights.” “Let’s get the federal government off our backs and allow each state to decide who can vote, the legitimacy of rape claim, the proof of evolution, and who is entitled to health care.”
As far as the so-called fiscal cliff is concerned, Boehner insists he will not agree to any proposal from the President without a 20% across the board tax reduction and the elimination of Obamacare. “If the President thought he had trouble dealing with budget issues in his first term he’s in for a big surprise in the coming years,” he predicts.
The Republican-controlled House, according to the Speaker, has Obama by the gonads and warns that they will continue to squeeze until he says “uncle.” “If we can’t win the presidency then we will make life hell for the President,” he says. “That’s what we are able to do in a free society. That’s what America is all about.”
Wednesday, November 07, 2012
Romney Provides Details of His Plan For America
BOSTON - In a press conference today with Romney supporters softly singing in the background, Why-oh, Why-oh, Did We Lose Ohio? Mitt Romney explained some of the details of his agenda if he had won the election. “I admit I was a little vague on exactly how I would deal with the major issues our country is facing but now is the time to fess up,” he said.
“I claimed I would create millions of jobs for Americans and I had planned to do just that,” he pointed out. “However, my plan was to ship undocumented workers in this country to third world countries where they could work in American factories for prevailing wages. This would help the country twofold. First, we would rid the country of people who came here illegally and second, these people would send money back to help support their families in the U.S. It would be a win-win situation,” he argued.
Concerning his pledge to eliminate Obamacare and replace it with a health care program that wouldn’t increase the deficit, Romney outlined his vision for providing medical services to all. “If you’re sick and you don’t have private insurance you will be able to call a commercial, pay-per-minute 1-900 number and get advice from a medical practitioner in countries such as India and Indonesia. If the situation is life-threatening, the government will provide a one-way bus ticket to Canada,” he explained.
When it comes to Iran, Romney offered a unique political solution to convince its leaders to abandon their nuclear research and facilities. He said he would threaten to airdrop thousands of Mormon missionaries into the country to attempt quick conversions of the Iranian public. “It will be like a swarm of white shirt-and-tie locusts descending on every neighborhood,” he said. “The ayatollahs would have a shit fit.”
While Romney campaigned to reduce every American’s taxes by 20% he admitted that the promise was a sleight of hand. To make up the difference Romney said he would institute high taxes on gay marriages and abortions, eliminate Medicare and Medicaid, and sell off the Social Security Administration to the highest bidder. “I am confident we can run this country just like I ran Bain Capital. If a private company is unable to run Social Security profitably they can always fire the workers and ship it overseas,” he noted.
Romney encouraged Republicans in Congress to lobby for his solutions to America’s challenges. “In four years Republicans could be singing California We Have Won, Right Back Where Reagan’s From,” he proclaimed.