Tuesday, March 25, 2008

 

Another Investment Bank Bites The Bullet

WASHINGTON, March 25 - Wall Street was dealt another shock wave today when the investment bank Bull Spirms announced it was declaring bankruptcy. The century-old lending institution, founded by a Texas cattle breeder, claimed it only had spare change to pay off investors.

Bull Spirms spokesman B.S. Skimmer said the bank had made large investments in the manure spreader market, riding a wave of unparalleled growth since the Bush Administration came into office. But with an anticipated change in leadership, investors feared a sudden decline in demand for spreading solid waste and the bank's stock hit the fan.

A run on Bull Spirms assets took everyone, from Federal laxative regulators to the company's washroom attendants by surprise. It left long rolls of paper trail and flush CEOs throughout financial institutions. "We informed our investors that that bank was a cash cow and on fertile ground but they suspected it was bull and attempted a quick pull-out," Skimmer reported.

Wall Street analysts cited predatory insemination in a bear market as an explanation for the bank's woes. But those who had first hand knowledge of the commodity claimed they could smell it coming a long way off.

"Republicans don't waste any time covering up their mess," pointed out Maine dairy farmer Floyd Haymaker. "Their schemes begin in the White House and end up in the outhouse. I feel a lot safer keeping my hard-earned money buried in a locked box," Haymaker said.

Presidential hopeful John McCain argued that the government should just say no to any romantic overtures for a bailout. He predicted the company's stock would successfully float before it ended up in a financial cesspool. He also recommended the company apply for a government grant to establish an investment bank in Iraq once the war is won.

Meanwhile, former Enron Chief Financial Officer Andrew Fastow is soliciting investors to purchase Bull Spirms stock for 10 cents on the dollar. "There's always a need for manure in Washington," he says. "The company bears watching."

Fastow predicts that manure spreaders will be in vogue whether the Republicans or Democrats are running the country. He plans to market the buyout with a classic slogan -- "Brother can you spare a dime."

Thursday, March 13, 2008

 

Spitzer Recruited By FBI For Sexual Sting Operation

NEW YORK, March 13 - The bizarre saga of Eliot Spitzer's involvement in a prostitution ring and his swift fall from power opened the proverbial Pandora's box of conspiracy theories. But it wasn't until a former FBI agent stepped forward, albeit anonymously, that the portal to the behind-the-scenes events in this tragic tale began to open.

According to the agent, Spitzer was initially recruited by the Bureau while he was the attorney general of New York to investigate possible links between an international prostitution ring and terrorist organizations. Spitzer agreed to pose as a "John" and make dates with the women working for Emperor's Club VIP Escort Service.

The under the covers operation was code named "Fun Four Diamonds." The agent recalled that Spitzer insisted the Bureau pay for five-diamond escorts and the Bureau was only willing to pay for three. "They compromised at four diamonds," he said, "and the operation was named accordingly."

Recordings were made of all Spitzer's encounters and when, after several months nothing of value was learned, the Bureau was ready to abort the operation, recalled the agent. Unfortunately, Spitzer was hooked on the "sensuous shiksas" and had the women shout "Osama" in the throws of lovemaking in an attempt to keep the operation alive.

During this period a number of different code acronyms were used in messages between Spitzer and the Bureau, the agent reported. S&M stood for Sunni Muslims, for example, and T&A was code for Taliban & Ahmadinejad. The reports and the recordings from the various hotel rooms where Spitzer had his rendezvous convinced the Bureau to allow their prominent decoy to continue. After 9/11 they were afraid to be caught with their pants down.

When Spitzer was elected governor the Bureau agreed to keep the operation going as there was evidence of panty laundering and a New Jersey connection. "Anytime we have someone under investigation, in this case an escort called Kristen who has family in the Garden State, we know something unlawful and tawdry is going on," noted the agent.

Eventually the Bureau realized that Spitzer was more interested in the sex than routing out terrorist organizations and they dropped the program. But Spitzer, who thought he had one leg up on the Bureau, announced he would continue the investigation on his own. "Kristen is a diamond in the rough. She just blew me away," he reportedly confessed to the agent.

The agent said the Bureau had no idea that middle-aged Jewish men could have insatiable sexual appetites. "Spitzer was banging his wife and the escort ladies at the same time, sometimes both in the same day. Bill Clinton was impotent in comparison."

In the end, the operation costing more than $100,000 ended with arrests of four individuals, charged only with operating a prostitution ring and Spitzer was forced to resign as governor. "The whole affair was a major screw-up," mused the agent. "The Emperor's Club had no clothes."

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