Wednesday, December 21, 2011

 

North Korea Pokes Head From Its Artillery Shell

SEOUL - The unexpected death of North Korea’s longtime ruler Kim Jong-il and his appointed successor, third-son Kim Jong-un assuming office, led to speculation about what roles the two other sons, Kim Jong-deux and Kim Jong-trois will play in the country’s future. At the moment, Kim Jong-un, affectionately known as KJ, has called for calm in the wake of wild expressions of grief and mass hysteria by the hungry and oppressed North Korean public over the death of their leader.

Thousands of North Koreans have reportedly attempted to take their own lives in respect for their Peerless Leader who gave them nuclear bombs, military parades and barbaric torture. The method of choice, according to North Korean refugees in China, has been to eat large quantities of outdated commercial kimchi. Poisons are not an accepted part of Korean Confucian culture.

Kim Jong-deux and Kim Jong-trois, also known as KJ-2 and 3, are reportedly lobbying with the military to open strip clubs in downtown Pyongyang. The clubs would be hosted by abducted Japanese women from Fukushima and would be open to any North Korean citizen who pledged to eat less and work harder. In addition to pole and lap dancing the clubs would offer an array of spicy pickled roots and a drink called dong-dong-ju made from crushed and fermented goat testicles.

In an attempt to consolidate power, KJ has offered the nation’s 22 million people 10 grains of rice in every pot while he and his military commanders dine, as did his late father, on imported fresh fruit, caviar, fish, chicken and a fine selection of wines. Former President Jimmy Carter has offered to donate food to the North Korean people but KJ rejected the offer saying that food from the U.S. is laden with too much cholesterol and preservatives.

Carter will also lead a Habitat for Humanity project, replicating the single-family track housing of Levittown in suburban Long Island, New York, in an abandoned nuclear testing site outside the capital. North Koreans will be chosen to live in this development based on an essay contest entitled How Much I Love The Peerless Leader. The winners will be decided by an impartial panel of disabled war veterans.

Meanwhile KJ-2 and 3 are jet-setting around Western Europe looking for business enterprises they can duplicate back home. They are reportedly talking to casino owners in Monaco about bringing slot machines and blackjack to the capital. Customers will be able to exchange their food ration coupons for gambling coins and chips. Also in the works is a chain of Seoul-food restaurants.

Visitors to North Korea will soon be able to pay their respects at the tomb of Kim Jong-il, enjoy the exotic nightlife in Pyongyang, and fraternize with hot, radiated Japanese hostesses. U.S. citizens will be welcome but will be required to consume a large portion of kimchi at the North Korean Tourist Information Bureau in the South Bronx, NY before receiving a visa.

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