Thursday, March 19, 2009

 

Waste Disposal Company Requests Government Bailout

HOBOKEN, March 19 - Giordano Waste Disposal of Hoboken New Jersey has applied for bailout funding from the federal government to the tune of $10 million. Company owner Tony Giordano says his business is in danger of folding due to the economic slowdown putting scores of his friends, relatives and contract employees out of work.

"Recycling is killing us. Small business owners can no longer afford protection. Our contract enforcement people have had to take jobs as school crossing guards and Wal-Mart greeters to make ends meet," says Giordano. "If hard working Italians can't earn a decent living in New Jersey this country is in deep trouble."

Giordano points out that the Italian vote in New Jersey played a major role in Obama's victory in the state. "He owes us one," says the company owner. "All those bankers getting bailout money are Republicans. Obama should take care of his own."

Giordano explains the cultural and etymological connection between Obama and the Italian community. "His name starts with a big letter 'O' and all our names end in little 'Os.' He's working to fix things in Washington and we are fixing things in Jersey. He's a self-made man and we are all made men. The good old Jersey boys and the president are simpatico," he says.

The company owner insists that bailout money to Giordano Waste Disposal will be put to good use. He says in addition to providing jobs it will help pay for gratuities to law enforcement personnel and local politicians that will stimulate the economy. "New Jersey is the only State where you can buy a new car or a house for cash and find bargains that fell off trucks," Giordano points out. "We can spread the money around better than if you dropped it from a plane or dumped it at some big insurance firm."

When asked what he will do if the government refuses his request, Giordano warns that he and his employees may have to resort to drugs. "I'm not talking about taking aspirin or getting into bio-medical research," he says. "But the market for over-the-sidewalk stimulants is always strong regardless of economic conditions," he notes. "We just may have change our marketing strategy from solid waste to just plain wasted."

Secretary of Treasury Timothy Geithner says the government will give Giordano's company its full consideration. "We need to cement our relationship with the New Jersey folks because there is something to be learned from their organizational skills," he argues. "New Jersey has always been in our sights. It's a pit stop on the government's agenda."

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