Thursday, July 19, 2007

 

School Lunch Program Headed For The Trash

WASHINGTON, July 19 - President Bush is threatening to veto a bill to extend the school lunch programs for low income children. Citing the increasing costs for the war in Iraq, the president said the American people need to make sacrifices so the Iraqi people can live peacefully in a democracy.

The president pointed out that America is so prosperous good food is thrown into the trash all the time. "Just look in any dumpster and you will find all sorts of edible, nutritious food from discarded pizzas to over ripe fruits," he said. "Hungry kids will always find something to eat."

Republican presidential candidate John McCain noted he survived on a minimal diet when he was a prisoner of war and claimed "scrounging for food builds character." He said there is nothing wrong with a lunch of bread and water. "There's always a stale crust of bread in even the poorest household."

Mitt Romney, who is running for president on a platform of "family values," cited "fasting" as a vital component of his Mormon religion. "The Jews fast for Yom Kippur, the Catholics give up certain foods for Lent, and the Muslims don't eat at all during the day for the month of Ramadan," Romney pointed out. "What's wrong with kids occasionally missing their lunch?"

The Republican frontrunner in the presidential campaign, Rudolph Giuliani, offered a compromise. He recommended closing down all school cafeterias to limit any potential conflicts between the haves and the have-nots. "If you don't see other students eating lunch you won't miss it yourself," he reasoned. "I skip lunch all the time when I'm on the campaign trail."

President Bush proposed that grocery chains and other markets donate old and outdated food products to the school lunch programs. "It's time we stop wasting food that would be welcomed in any third-world country," he said. "With all the junk foods most kids eat today their stomachs should be able to handle a little ripeness and rancidity."

Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt recommended shipping surplus ketchup to schools in poor neighborhoods. "Ketchup is a vegetable," he said. "Kids can pour it over food they find in the trash. It's a lot healthier than letting them eat cake," he explained.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales noted the Constitution does not guarantee a free lunch. He warned that anyone who filed a lawsuit in federal court in an attempt to force the government to fund the school lunch program could be cited as a "potential terrorist" and sent to undisclosed locations for interrogation. "That should give folks food for thought," he said.

Republican lawmakers, united behind President Bush, threatened to filibuster any attempt by Democrats to restore funding. "If we give kids free lunches the next thing they'll want is free health care," warned Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

 

Conference To Examine Legitimacy of U.S. Constitution

WASHINGTON, July 15 - The Bush Administration announced an international conference on the U.S. Constitution scheduled for the Labor Day weekend in Philadelphia. Suggesting that this historic document may be a forgery and may have never been written by the so-called "founding fathers," the Bush team will lead discussions and inquiries to determine its authenticity.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice claims the original Constitution may have called for a constitutional monarchy only to be subverted by liberal, left wing politicians influenced by the writings of Karl Marx. She admits being highly critical of the document that is the basis for American law and suggests the Constitution is the cause for the deep, political divisions within the country.

The Conference keynote speaker will be Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The topic of his talk with be The American Jewdiciary. Invitees include Russian President Vladimir Putin, , Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and Korean General Secretary Kim Jong-il. In addition, Constitutional scholars Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter will represent U.S. interests. "These highly respected people will objectively consider the authenticity of the U.S. Constitution as we know it today," Rice says. "They are not Constitution deniers," she insists.

Vice-President Dick Cheney in an interview with Fox News said if the conference determines that the Constitution is a fraud it will allow the President broader powers and an indefinite term of office. "The way I see it," he told Fox News, "is the original Constitutional Convention saw the need for a strong, compassionate conservative commander to keep order in a neophyte country. And the original Bill of Rights had to do with the rights of the country's leaders, not the general public."

President George Bush responding to attacks from Constitutional scholars and members of the federal judiciary said Americans should give the conference participants a chance to consider all the evidence before passing judgment. "I don't deny that we have a Constitution, I just want to know the true powers of the executive branch," he pointed out. "Am I President Bush, King George, or just plain good-ole-boy 'dubya?' Americans need to know."

Supreme Court Justices Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia have long argued that the U.S. Constitution doesn't make any sense. "The country needs to protect its leaders and preserve our way of life prior to the Civil War," Thomas proclaimed on Meet the Press. Scalia, who has been known to voice his preference for trashing the Constitution and starting all over again, called the conference "Benedict Arnold's revenge."

Both Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates have, so far, been reluctant to comment on the conference, taking a wait and see attitude. Spokesmen for the candidates said they would like to first see the polling numbers before taking a position on the issue. Congress is expected to pass a non-binding resolution expressing concern about the future of the country.

"Once we clear up the status of the Constitution we can take a closer look at establishing a national religion, allowing citizens to own automatic weapons, permitting the President to authorize searches and seizures and suspend habeas corpus when necessary, and supporting a vigorous use of the death penalty," Rice said. "There was good reason for calling it the Bill of Rights and not the Bill of Lefts," she added.

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