Friday, May 25, 2007

 

Study Shows Common Laxative Improves Memory Loss

ATLANTA, May 25 - Researchers from the Center for Disease Control have identified a new use for a common over-the-counter drug to alleviate memory loss. According to a CDC press release, this finding was a result of a year-long study sparked by an article in Veterinary News involving the accidental consumption of a laxative by a bull.

The CDC reports that large doses of Ex-lax can regenerate lost memory, especially among politicians and government officials, by as much as 50%. "Apparently there is a link between the large intestines and the temporal lobe of the brain," said CDC Senior Researcher Seymore Bowels. "When we asked members of the Bush administration to volunteer for this study, surprisingly many agreed," he noted.

The volunteers were initially asked questions about conversations they had months ago and had trouble remembering, and then administered large quantities of Ex-lax. Following the subsequent massive purge, these same volunteers were asked the same questions again and were able to recall many more details, Bowels reported.

Previous studies have shown a higher percentage of Republicans suffer from constipation, and subsequent memory loss, than Democrats. While there is no definitive explanation for this discrepancy, researchers suspect that conservative lifestyles may inhibit peristalsis and the periodic mass movements of the large intestines. An article in the New England Journal of Medicine cites 87% of Republicans and 29% of Democrats reported having constipation on more than one occasion during the past 12 months.

The CDC cautions using larger than recommended doses of Ex-lax without the advice of a physician. Bowels points out that precautionary measures, such as turning off all electric fans and supplying gas masks to office mates or family members, must be taken before administering the drug.

Both Senate and House committee chairmen say they will require all future government witnesses to undergo this new therapy prior to giving testimony. It is rumored that both Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and former Justice Department employee Monica Goodling will be asked to appear before Congress once again following an intestinal purge.

"It's time we clear the air and get the true story straight from the horse's mouth and not from the rear end of a bull," said Senator Patrick Leahy, Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

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