Friday, July 25, 2008
Two Housing Giants File For Divorce
WASHINGTON, July 25 - Following 40 years of marital bliss, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac have filed for divorce in the District of Columbia. Citing irreconcilable differences and infidelity, the once loving couple now say their interest in each other rates just below the President's popularity.
Ms. Mae, the older of the two by 30 years, led a charmed single public life beginning with a reported affair with President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and close ties with his successors until President Lyndon Johnson introduced her to his protégé Freddie Mac. Despite their age difference, the two were soon married but chose to live apart. Mr. Mac explained that their successful business in the housing market left them little time to settle down in one place.
The couple made millions of dollars annually by borrowing money from foreign investors at low rates due to their personal ties with the government and providing cheap mortgages with low down payments to home buyers. Congress attempted to control their near monopoly on the nation's secondary mortgage market but the couple and their family relations were in bed with bankers, cabinet members and presidents allowing them to forestall "home-buying interruptus" in bedroom communities.
The foundation of their marriage began to crumble when their business faltered. Accounting for their difficulties became a nightmare, said Ms. Mae. "We went for financial counseling, took stock in our relationship and agreed to let our partnership foreclose," she added.
"My wife was keeping her dealings under the covers," complained Mr. Mac. "I tried to short sheet her financial records but the head of the board was a barrier to any close scrutiny."
Although the couple didn't have children, Ms. Mae said all the homeowners they helped are like family. "Just because some of them are defaulting on their commitments doesn't mean we stopped caring," chimed in Mr. Mac.
"Fanny and I have agreed to make good on our $11 billion debt in our proposed divorce settlement even if we have to sell the Washington Monument to China," admitted Mr. Mac. "Although the Saudis have inquired about the Lincoln Memorial, we would only consider selling as a last resort," he added.
President Bush insisted "it would be devastating to the economy" for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to divorce. If they need additional support, he said, "the federal laissez-faire lifeline" has always been there.
"Our family values will keep the big bad wolf from destroying our pig in a poke housing market," Bush proclaimed. "Condi, Dick and I will not let Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac's marital problems blow our houses down," he vowed.
Ms. Mae, the older of the two by 30 years, led a charmed single public life beginning with a reported affair with President Franklin Delano Roosevelt and close ties with his successors until President Lyndon Johnson introduced her to his protégé Freddie Mac. Despite their age difference, the two were soon married but chose to live apart. Mr. Mac explained that their successful business in the housing market left them little time to settle down in one place.
The couple made millions of dollars annually by borrowing money from foreign investors at low rates due to their personal ties with the government and providing cheap mortgages with low down payments to home buyers. Congress attempted to control their near monopoly on the nation's secondary mortgage market but the couple and their family relations were in bed with bankers, cabinet members and presidents allowing them to forestall "home-buying interruptus" in bedroom communities.
The foundation of their marriage began to crumble when their business faltered. Accounting for their difficulties became a nightmare, said Ms. Mae. "We went for financial counseling, took stock in our relationship and agreed to let our partnership foreclose," she added.
"My wife was keeping her dealings under the covers," complained Mr. Mac. "I tried to short sheet her financial records but the head of the board was a barrier to any close scrutiny."
Although the couple didn't have children, Ms. Mae said all the homeowners they helped are like family. "Just because some of them are defaulting on their commitments doesn't mean we stopped caring," chimed in Mr. Mac.
"Fanny and I have agreed to make good on our $11 billion debt in our proposed divorce settlement even if we have to sell the Washington Monument to China," admitted Mr. Mac. "Although the Saudis have inquired about the Lincoln Memorial, we would only consider selling as a last resort," he added.
President Bush insisted "it would be devastating to the economy" for Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to divorce. If they need additional support, he said, "the federal laissez-faire lifeline" has always been there.
"Our family values will keep the big bad wolf from destroying our pig in a poke housing market," Bush proclaimed. "Condi, Dick and I will not let Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac's marital problems blow our houses down," he vowed.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Lieberman Pursues His Political Cross-Dressing
WASHINGTON, July 18 - Senator Joseph I. Lieberman, lapsed Democrat of Connecticut, announced he will undergo a foreskin transplant operation on his quest to become a full fledged Republican. The surgery will be performed by Dr. Sheldon Mohel at the NYU Hospital for Joint Diseases in New York.
Lieberman took his first step toward the political right by running for the Senate as an Independent when he lost the Democratic nomination. He recently came closer to the political abyss by supporting John McCain's presidential bid and agreeing to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention.
Lieberman compared his plight to those transgendered individuals who realize they are trapped in the body of the wrong sex. "I always knew I was a conservative Republican but as a Jew from Connecticut I needed to be dressed as a Democrat," he explained.
As part of his conversion therapy Lieberman will take high doses of testosterone, have a nose job, and add white bread, mayonnaise, and pork products to his diet. "Chicken soup is for wimps," he proclaimed. "I just want to be one of the good-old-boys," he added. "I've done more than my share for the poor and downtrodden. It's about time I helped the rich get richer," admitted the Connecticut Senator.
Lieberman reportedly made contact with Jews For Jesus hoping to find a religious middle ground that will satisfy his soon-to-be Republican colleagues. He said he is looking forward to celebrating Christmas and Easter next year and may even don an Easter Bunny outfit at the annual White House egg roll if McCain becomes president.
One Senate Democrat refusing to be quoted by name, cited Lieberman as a good example of the difference between an anus and an asshole. "Anuses don't switch political parties," he pointed out.
Before Lieberman takes the final leap he reportedly will burn a copy of the Constitution, declare war on Iran, and vow to place Alberto Gonzales on the Supreme Court. Then Dick Cheney will place a white hood over Lieberman's head, place his hand on the Bible, and two men will sing the Halliburton Oath to the tune of God Bless America.
McCain has proposed, if elected, putting Lieberman in charge of the "Muslim Question." He said Lieberman's heritage makes him the ideal candidate to develop a "final solution" to the Muslim terrorism threat.
"Heil McCain! Onward Christian Soldiers!" responded Lieberman who has pledged to do whatever is required as a "good Republican." Uncircumcised Democrats have volunteered to donate an "ounce of flesh" to the cause.
Lieberman took his first step toward the political right by running for the Senate as an Independent when he lost the Democratic nomination. He recently came closer to the political abyss by supporting John McCain's presidential bid and agreeing to be a featured speaker at the Republican National Convention.
Lieberman compared his plight to those transgendered individuals who realize they are trapped in the body of the wrong sex. "I always knew I was a conservative Republican but as a Jew from Connecticut I needed to be dressed as a Democrat," he explained.
As part of his conversion therapy Lieberman will take high doses of testosterone, have a nose job, and add white bread, mayonnaise, and pork products to his diet. "Chicken soup is for wimps," he proclaimed. "I just want to be one of the good-old-boys," he added. "I've done more than my share for the poor and downtrodden. It's about time I helped the rich get richer," admitted the Connecticut Senator.
Lieberman reportedly made contact with Jews For Jesus hoping to find a religious middle ground that will satisfy his soon-to-be Republican colleagues. He said he is looking forward to celebrating Christmas and Easter next year and may even don an Easter Bunny outfit at the annual White House egg roll if McCain becomes president.
One Senate Democrat refusing to be quoted by name, cited Lieberman as a good example of the difference between an anus and an asshole. "Anuses don't switch political parties," he pointed out.
Before Lieberman takes the final leap he reportedly will burn a copy of the Constitution, declare war on Iran, and vow to place Alberto Gonzales on the Supreme Court. Then Dick Cheney will place a white hood over Lieberman's head, place his hand on the Bible, and two men will sing the Halliburton Oath to the tune of God Bless America.
McCain has proposed, if elected, putting Lieberman in charge of the "Muslim Question." He said Lieberman's heritage makes him the ideal candidate to develop a "final solution" to the Muslim terrorism threat.
"Heil McCain! Onward Christian Soldiers!" responded Lieberman who has pledged to do whatever is required as a "good Republican." Uncircumcised Democrats have volunteered to donate an "ounce of flesh" to the cause.
