Thursday, July 12, 2012
Maine’s Gov Does Not Horse Around
AUGUSTA - Maine Governor Paul LePage has proposed an
individual mandate that he says will both help the State financially and clean
up the environment at the same time.
Called “The Roadway Beautification Assessment” by the governor and “The
Poop Penalty” by his adversaries, the bill would charge owners and operators of
horse-drawn vehicles for leaving behind manure on public property.
The bill is currently working its way through the bowels of
the Maine legislature and may move out of the House sometime in the fall. LePage predicts that the Roadway
Beautification Assessment will be his crowning achievement as governor and will
give legitimacy to his favorite expression, shit or get off the pot. “I have 18 more months on the
governor’s throne and I plan to remain seated until this legislation is
passed,” he says.
The governor has been accused of unfairly singling out the
growing number of Amish in Maine who travel in horse-drawn buggies and are easy
targets as they neither get involved in politics nor vote. “This bill affects any individual or
group who intentionally or inadvertently leaves shit in their wake,” the
Governor countered. “And that goes
for me too.”
Maine Democrats accuse the anti-tax, Tea Party governor of
hypocrisy. “LePage has been
cutting services, cutting aid to education, and cutting off his nose to spite
his face because he ran on a platform of no new taxes,” commented Fairfield
City Counselor Robert Sezak who is a top contender for the Democratic
nomination for governor. “The Poop
Penalty is unquestionable a tax and the governor should stop acting like a rear
end of a horse and call a spade a spade.”
LePage insists his bill is not a tax as it exempts horse
owners who fit their on-road equines with poop-catching, Bermuda-style
shorts. He claims that covering a
horse’s rear is also more dignified as it will not subject sensitive ladies and
little children to a view of the animal’s private parts. “Cover up or pay up,” the governor insists. “A nude horse is a rude horse!”
LePage has the support of the Society for Indecency of Naked
Animals and the Anti-Defecation League, organizations promoting national
legislation entitled “No Shit Left Behind.” Spokespersons for these groups say LePage is a prime
candidate for a top position in the Romney administration where only a BS
degree will be required.
Sezak accuses LePage of being a feces-challenged politician
whose refusal to spend State funds is indicative of his chronic
constipation. “A little Ex-Lax
would go a long way in solving the State’s fiscal problems,” he argues.
