Tuesday, March 20, 2007

 

Firing Of Capitol Workers Causes Furor

WASHINGTON, March 20 - The firing of eight Capitol maintenance workers for alleged dereliction of duty has caused outcries for a congressional investigation and the appointment of an independent prosecutor. While the Architect of the Capitol Agency (AOC), responsible for the construction, maintenance, and modification of the Capitol complex, has traditionally been a low key, non-partisan government service, it is now being accused of playing politics at the expense of low level workers.

According to a source in the AOC, maintenance workers failed to remove graffiti and other signs of disrespect to Republicans found in the Capitol washrooms in a timely manner. In one public men's washroom the words "Bush Sucks" was prominently painted on the wall and remained there for a week before it was removed.

Other washroom acts of disrespect, said the AOC source, included a Bush likeness on each square of toilet paper, the words "Bush has blood on his hands" printed on the red liquid soap dispensers, and helium-filled balloons on the ceiling sporting anti-war slogans.

The union representing the fired workers insists that Capitol maintenance crews are overworked and are unable to quickly respond to complaints by Congressmen. "You wouldn't believe how many toilets used by members of the House and Senate get clogged in any given day," said a union spokesman. "Even with recently installed power flush mechanisms, these toilets can't handle the massive amounts of shit flushed in short periods of time."

One of the fired workers who requested anonymity compared cleaning the toilets in the Capitol to working in an elephant house. "I'll take the zoo any day," he said. "It's a lot easier dealing with animals than politicians."

The AOC's Deputy Architect and Chief Operating Officer Stephen T. Ayers admitted that the firings were handled badly. He claimed he learned about them after the fact and was surprised that replacements loyal to President Bush were recommended by senior Republican Senators. "Republicans traditionally prefer poor African Americans who vote Democratic to clean up after them," said Ayers.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer categorized the washroom decorations as a free speech issue and said Ayers should be reassigned to a Roto-Router detail. "Do we ask the maintenance staff to remove congressmen who are filling the air with BS?" he asked.

On the other hand Mississippi Senator Trent Lott noted he had no sympathy for the fired workers. "We pay those boys a good minimum wage and they don't even bother stepping off the sidewalk or averting their eyes when they see me coming down the street," he complained.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

 

Cheney Chides War Injured Malcontents

WASHINGTON, March 13 - When Vice-President Dick "Buckshot" Cheney was recently asked on Meet The Press about the Walter Reed Medical Center scandal he insisted the news media was making "a basket case out of a scraped knee." He said the complaints by a few malingerers was no reflection on the outstanding medical care provided to all soldiers who are legitimately and verifiably injured in combat.

"You have to realize," said Cheney, "that today's soldiers are not made of the same stuff as in my generation. We would take a bullet in the gut and be back fighting with our platoon in a matter of days," explained the Vice-President who never served in the armed forces. "Now these guys want an immediate medical discharge and generous pensions.

Cheney accused some of the allegedly wounded soldiers at Water Reed of trying to "wheedle disability payments" from the government. "Just because you lose a limb or two doesn't mean you can't hold a good job and pay your own way," he pointed out.

Still, the government is willing to meet all seriously wounded soldiers half way, according to the Vice-President. "If you lose two arms we will replace one. If you lose two arms and two legs we will be happy to give you one of each," he said. Soldiers suffering from traumatic brain injuries, said Cheney, will be tested free of charge for career placement.

"Men and women who enter the armed services should realize that someday they might be sent to fight a war and could be maimed or killed," Cheney pointed out. "What do they expect? Those who have been sent to Walter Reed should be thankful to be alive and stop complaining about the mold, the neglect, and all the paperwork."

The mold in the rehab rooms, Cheney added, should not be an issue. "For goodness sake," he said, "mold is used for making penicillin."

As someone who has survived six heart attacks Cheney said he knows all about overcoming a disability and he has no sympathy even for paraplegics who, according to the vice-president, simply give up and expect the government to support them. "I have seen men who have no use of their arms and legs lead productive lives. There are excellent career opportunities for them in sheltered workshops."

"As a matter of fact," said Cheney, "there's a vet working in the White House who can neither walk nor speak. But he makes an efficient doorstop in his wheelchair."

"If I have another heart attack," Cheney pondered, "I would be delighted to be treated at Walter Reed. And if my medical insurance didn't cover all the expenses I would be happy to pay out of my own pocket," he added. "How many servicemen do you think would offer that?"

Sunday, March 04, 2007

 

Texas Bill Will Prohibit Teaching Revolution

AUSTIN, TEXAS, March 4 - A Texas legislator has introduced a bill that would prohibit the teaching of revolution in the Texas public schools. State House Representative Billy Bob Braneles said it doesn't matter whether it's the Russian Revolution or the American Revolution as all revolutions involve the questioning of authority.

"We don't want the youth of today questioning the authority of their parents, their teachers, or their government," insists Braneles. "This sort of teaching is a Zionist conspiracy aimed at corrupting the American way of life," he added. "We don't need a fourth 'R' in the classroom."

Braneles claims that American Jews have infiltrated the country's media and educational institutions and have been responsible for the divisions in our society since the end of World War II. "The so-called Jewish intellectuals relish argument and debate and encourage young people to think independently instead of doing what they are told," he added.

His fellow Texan, George W. Bush, has described Braneles as "a great, patriotic American." Bush said the world would be a better place "if more people had a Braneles-like mentality."

Braneles points out that America is a "Christian country" and therefore all teaching should come from the Bible. "Children should learn that you don't accept apples from snakes, the Jews murdered Christ, and homosexuality is a sin," he said. "Anything else is irrelevant."

Braneles noted that the American educational system could learn much from the religious schools in Muslim countries. "Kids who question their teachers in places like Iran are beaten with a whip. That's how you establish good citizenship," he argues.

When questioned about the teaching of evolution Braneles insists revolution and evolution are all the same. "They both have the same nine letters and both involve a conspiracy," he explains. "In fact," he points out, "Darwin's real name was Darwinowitz and he attempted to circumvent the Bible by claiming that man came from the ape instead of Adam and Eve."

According to Texas lawmakers, the Braneles bill will get a fair hearing in the legislature. "There's some genuine interest in taking revolution out of the curriculum," said Texas Governor Rick Perry. "If we Texans want a fight we will pick on some other country as two of our great presidents, Johnson and Bush, chose to do. There's no need to fight among ourselves."

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