Sunday, September 13, 2009

 

Nothin’s Really Finer Than To Visit South Carolina

COLUMBIA, S.C. - South Carolina officials have announced a plan to turn the lemons of the State’s recent history and sordid past into lemonade. “Instead of putting lipstick on a pig we will put the pig on our State flag,” said Governor Mark Sanford. “Folks will be able to see racism, incivility, and infidelity first hand in our White Man’s Paradise.”

Visitors to South Carolina will be able to view Negroes riding in the back of the bus, listen to local commentators ridicule and insult national Democrats, and visit bordellos where women from Argentina will service married men at half price. The highlight will be a reenactment, every hour on the hour, of the infamous caning of a Massachusetts senator by a South Carolina congressman for speaking out against slavery.

“South Carolina was the first State to secede from the Union and the last State to ratify the women’s suffrage amendment to the Constitution,” noted Governor Sanford. “We should be proud of our independent spirit and pig-headedness.”

The State will introduce new signage welcoming white, heterosexual, Christian families and advising Jews, Blacks, Communists, and homosexuals to stay away, according to Congressman Joe Wilson who was recently awarded the Triple-K medal, the State’s highest honor, for calling President Obama a liar during the president’s speech to a joint session of Congress.

A new State gift shop will feature hooded white sheets, burning cross replicas, figurines of black servants and black children eating watermelons, an Obama doll hanging from a noose, and an original painting of Senator Strom Thurmond caressing a black maid. Plaques with biblical quotes will be prominently displayed.

Another tourist attraction will be a “Shouting Hall” where visitors can call out insults, racial epithets, and anything that’s not politically correct, including four-letter words, without fear of censure. While a variety of suggested sayings will be posted on the walls, participants will be encouraged to be creative as long as they don’t insult the Grand Old Party.

The tourism highlight will be a massive celebration for Confederate Memorial Day featuring reenactments of Civil War battles won by the south, a chain gang parade with white men in black face, and a performance of the play Cookies and Crackers, a love story about white southern males and their beautiful black servants. Free neck painting in various shades of red will be offered throughout the State.

“South Carolina will be a place where folks from all over the country will be able to see, first hand, the grand old south as it existed before President Johnson turned his back on his southern roots,” said Governor Sanford. “You can take the trash out of the trailer but you can’t take the trailer trash out of our State,” he added.

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