Saturday, September 29, 2007
Republican Congressmen Can't Set The Record "Straight"
WASHINGTON, September 29 - A group of 27 Republican lawmakers stunned fellow congressmen of both political parties with the announcement of their sexual preferences on the Capitol steps. "We are all gay," intoned Kansas Senator Sam Brownback proudly. "We decided it was time to come out of the cloakroom to stifle the homophobic political rhetoric polluting our society," he added.
Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, dressed in Confederacy-style drag, called for a new "Please ask, Do tell" government policy. He said he conferred with President Bush who tried to dissuade the gay congressmen from exposing themselves, threatening to remove the stalls from the Capitol washrooms. When asked how he responded to the president, Lott raised his voice in pitch and declared in a southern drawl, "Frankly Georgie, I don't give a damn."
Spokesman Larry Craig, Senator from Idaho, announced the group decided to call themselves Republican Dildos. "The Log Cabin Republicans still have one ball in the closet," noted Craig. "They're just pining away with their pulp magazines, afraid to confront their sexuality head on."
The group presented legislation they hope to enact with the help of Democrats. The more controversial items include support of gay marriage, an end to gay entrapment by law enforcement personnel, renaming the capital Washington AC/DC, and serving fruitcake in the congressional cafeteria.
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch insisted he didn't want to be confrontational with heterosexual members of Congress. "We need to display our feminine side and make compromises," he said. "I'd rather swish than fight."
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina pointed out that there has been congress between men in the Capitol building for more than 200 years. "Our coming out will not turn Washington, DC into the ancient city of Condom and Gonorrhea," he proclaimed. "Let's make Gay Pride Day a national holiday featuring a parade of gay politicians dressed in pink marching past the White House."
When asked about the possible backlash from the religious right, Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander claimed the Bible is full of men begetting men stories. "What do you think those horny male disciples were doing at the Last Supper?" he asked rhetorically. "Sipping sherry, nibbling hors d'oeuvres, and making polite dinner conversation?"
Florida Senator Mel Martinez explained why the "hard and stiff" image of Republicans is fallacious. "Those words describe neither the heads nor the hearts of gay Republicans," he insisted. "We need to be seen as hard and stiff in a loving sort of way."
Democratic Representative Barney Frank who admitted his homosexuality years ago said he always knew there were many "dildos" among his Republican colleagues. "Now we need a new term for the 'Republican dildos' who are not gay," Frank mused. "Maybe we can politely call them men who have sex with the women who raised them."
Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, dressed in Confederacy-style drag, called for a new "Please ask, Do tell" government policy. He said he conferred with President Bush who tried to dissuade the gay congressmen from exposing themselves, threatening to remove the stalls from the Capitol washrooms. When asked how he responded to the president, Lott raised his voice in pitch and declared in a southern drawl, "Frankly Georgie, I don't give a damn."
Spokesman Larry Craig, Senator from Idaho, announced the group decided to call themselves Republican Dildos. "The Log Cabin Republicans still have one ball in the closet," noted Craig. "They're just pining away with their pulp magazines, afraid to confront their sexuality head on."
The group presented legislation they hope to enact with the help of Democrats. The more controversial items include support of gay marriage, an end to gay entrapment by law enforcement personnel, renaming the capital Washington AC/DC, and serving fruitcake in the congressional cafeteria.
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch insisted he didn't want to be confrontational with heterosexual members of Congress. "We need to display our feminine side and make compromises," he said. "I'd rather swish than fight."
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina pointed out that there has been congress between men in the Capitol building for more than 200 years. "Our coming out will not turn Washington, DC into the ancient city of Condom and Gonorrhea," he proclaimed. "Let's make Gay Pride Day a national holiday featuring a parade of gay politicians dressed in pink marching past the White House."
When asked about the possible backlash from the religious right, Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander claimed the Bible is full of men begetting men stories. "What do you think those horny male disciples were doing at the Last Supper?" he asked rhetorically. "Sipping sherry, nibbling hors d'oeuvres, and making polite dinner conversation?"
Florida Senator Mel Martinez explained why the "hard and stiff" image of Republicans is fallacious. "Those words describe neither the heads nor the hearts of gay Republicans," he insisted. "We need to be seen as hard and stiff in a loving sort of way."
Democratic Representative Barney Frank who admitted his homosexuality years ago said he always knew there were many "dildos" among his Republican colleagues. "Now we need a new term for the 'Republican dildos' who are not gay," Frank mused. "Maybe we can politely call them men who have sex with the women who raised them."
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Republicans Reinforce Optimism With Secret Catalyst
WASHINGTON, September 15 - A classified government report on public relations research describes a new device for controlling perception for both elected officials and the military. The report, leaked to Cheaters & Liars by an anonymous source inside the Defense Department, verifies that the device has been tested by government and military personnel for the past five years and has proven to be highly effective.
The fifth and most recent prototype of the device is called a "vision optimizer" or VO5. It can be worn as regular eye glasses or clipped on to existing ones. The lenses are coated a light pink, refracting the rays so that people, objects, or events appear in a positive light. Members of the Bush Administration and generals stationed in Iraq are said to be delighted with the results.
"There is a fine line between reality and one's expectations," wrote a Defense Department analyst who worked on the project. "It all has to do with the perception of a sewer being half empty or half full. Most Republican politicians prefer the half full scenario so these lenses can help them deal with the heavy load of their office," he added.
The report notes that people who have not tested the vision optimizer believe the American economy is in trouble, the Iraq war is hopeless, and the American health care system is broken. On the other hand, government officials who have been wearing the vision optimizer for months or years, are much more positive of both national and international issues and events.
President Bush, who reportedly wears the VO5 24/7, responded to questions about people losing their homes to predatory lenders by pointing out the availability of homeless shelters. "They are just like vacation resorts for people who are down and out," he explained.
Other VO5 enthusiasts such as General Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker compare the chaos in Iraq to a snow globe. "You shake it up and eventually everything settles," noted Crocker. Petraeus concurred, describing a military victory as "a slam dunk." Crocker also predicted that Iraq's tourism industry will blossom next summer featuring a three-ring circus in the Sunni Triangle.
Vice President Dick Cheney who described the VO5 as "the greatest invention since the Hummer vehicle," pointed to Veteran Administration Hospitals as proof that America has the best health care system in the world. "The VA patches up wounded soldiers with the same efficiency as an auto production line," he said. "They stock spare body parts to make our amputees whole again faster than it takes to build an SUV."
Already, the public is clamoring for the device. The Septic Tank Cleaners Association, a major donor to the Republican National Committee, has filed a freedom of information request as a first step to bring the VO5 to the marketplace. "Our members want to honestly assure their customers that their septic tanks are half full and need to be pumped out," explained Association President Steven Slurry. "These glasses will turn solid waste into campaign contributions. Think of that every time you flush out a Republican candidate," he said.
The fifth and most recent prototype of the device is called a "vision optimizer" or VO5. It can be worn as regular eye glasses or clipped on to existing ones. The lenses are coated a light pink, refracting the rays so that people, objects, or events appear in a positive light. Members of the Bush Administration and generals stationed in Iraq are said to be delighted with the results.
"There is a fine line between reality and one's expectations," wrote a Defense Department analyst who worked on the project. "It all has to do with the perception of a sewer being half empty or half full. Most Republican politicians prefer the half full scenario so these lenses can help them deal with the heavy load of their office," he added.
The report notes that people who have not tested the vision optimizer believe the American economy is in trouble, the Iraq war is hopeless, and the American health care system is broken. On the other hand, government officials who have been wearing the vision optimizer for months or years, are much more positive of both national and international issues and events.
President Bush, who reportedly wears the VO5 24/7, responded to questions about people losing their homes to predatory lenders by pointing out the availability of homeless shelters. "They are just like vacation resorts for people who are down and out," he explained.
Other VO5 enthusiasts such as General Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker compare the chaos in Iraq to a snow globe. "You shake it up and eventually everything settles," noted Crocker. Petraeus concurred, describing a military victory as "a slam dunk." Crocker also predicted that Iraq's tourism industry will blossom next summer featuring a three-ring circus in the Sunni Triangle.
Vice President Dick Cheney who described the VO5 as "the greatest invention since the Hummer vehicle," pointed to Veteran Administration Hospitals as proof that America has the best health care system in the world. "The VA patches up wounded soldiers with the same efficiency as an auto production line," he said. "They stock spare body parts to make our amputees whole again faster than it takes to build an SUV."
Already, the public is clamoring for the device. The Septic Tank Cleaners Association, a major donor to the Republican National Committee, has filed a freedom of information request as a first step to bring the VO5 to the marketplace. "Our members want to honestly assure their customers that their septic tanks are half full and need to be pumped out," explained Association President Steven Slurry. "These glasses will turn solid waste into campaign contributions. Think of that every time you flush out a Republican candidate," he said.
