Saturday, September 29, 2007
Republican Congressmen Can't Set The Record "Straight"
WASHINGTON, September 29 - A group of 27 Republican lawmakers stunned fellow congressmen of both political parties with the announcement of their sexual preferences on the Capitol steps. "We are all gay," intoned Kansas Senator Sam Brownback proudly. "We decided it was time to come out of the cloakroom to stifle the homophobic political rhetoric polluting our society," he added.
Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, dressed in Confederacy-style drag, called for a new "Please ask, Do tell" government policy. He said he conferred with President Bush who tried to dissuade the gay congressmen from exposing themselves, threatening to remove the stalls from the Capitol washrooms. When asked how he responded to the president, Lott raised his voice in pitch and declared in a southern drawl, "Frankly Georgie, I don't give a damn."
Spokesman Larry Craig, Senator from Idaho, announced the group decided to call themselves Republican Dildos. "The Log Cabin Republicans still have one ball in the closet," noted Craig. "They're just pining away with their pulp magazines, afraid to confront their sexuality head on."
The group presented legislation they hope to enact with the help of Democrats. The more controversial items include support of gay marriage, an end to gay entrapment by law enforcement personnel, renaming the capital Washington AC/DC, and serving fruitcake in the congressional cafeteria.
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch insisted he didn't want to be confrontational with heterosexual members of Congress. "We need to display our feminine side and make compromises," he said. "I'd rather swish than fight."
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina pointed out that there has been congress between men in the Capitol building for more than 200 years. "Our coming out will not turn Washington, DC into the ancient city of Condom and Gonorrhea," he proclaimed. "Let's make Gay Pride Day a national holiday featuring a parade of gay politicians dressed in pink marching past the White House."
When asked about the possible backlash from the religious right, Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander claimed the Bible is full of men begetting men stories. "What do you think those horny male disciples were doing at the Last Supper?" he asked rhetorically. "Sipping sherry, nibbling hors d'oeuvres, and making polite dinner conversation?"
Florida Senator Mel Martinez explained why the "hard and stiff" image of Republicans is fallacious. "Those words describe neither the heads nor the hearts of gay Republicans," he insisted. "We need to be seen as hard and stiff in a loving sort of way."
Democratic Representative Barney Frank who admitted his homosexuality years ago said he always knew there were many "dildos" among his Republican colleagues. "Now we need a new term for the 'Republican dildos' who are not gay," Frank mused. "Maybe we can politely call them men who have sex with the women who raised them."
Mississippi Senator Trent Lott, dressed in Confederacy-style drag, called for a new "Please ask, Do tell" government policy. He said he conferred with President Bush who tried to dissuade the gay congressmen from exposing themselves, threatening to remove the stalls from the Capitol washrooms. When asked how he responded to the president, Lott raised his voice in pitch and declared in a southern drawl, "Frankly Georgie, I don't give a damn."
Spokesman Larry Craig, Senator from Idaho, announced the group decided to call themselves Republican Dildos. "The Log Cabin Republicans still have one ball in the closet," noted Craig. "They're just pining away with their pulp magazines, afraid to confront their sexuality head on."
The group presented legislation they hope to enact with the help of Democrats. The more controversial items include support of gay marriage, an end to gay entrapment by law enforcement personnel, renaming the capital Washington AC/DC, and serving fruitcake in the congressional cafeteria.
Utah Senator Orrin Hatch insisted he didn't want to be confrontational with heterosexual members of Congress. "We need to display our feminine side and make compromises," he said. "I'd rather swish than fight."
Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina pointed out that there has been congress between men in the Capitol building for more than 200 years. "Our coming out will not turn Washington, DC into the ancient city of Condom and Gonorrhea," he proclaimed. "Let's make Gay Pride Day a national holiday featuring a parade of gay politicians dressed in pink marching past the White House."
When asked about the possible backlash from the religious right, Tennessee Senator Lamar Alexander claimed the Bible is full of men begetting men stories. "What do you think those horny male disciples were doing at the Last Supper?" he asked rhetorically. "Sipping sherry, nibbling hors d'oeuvres, and making polite dinner conversation?"
Florida Senator Mel Martinez explained why the "hard and stiff" image of Republicans is fallacious. "Those words describe neither the heads nor the hearts of gay Republicans," he insisted. "We need to be seen as hard and stiff in a loving sort of way."
Democratic Representative Barney Frank who admitted his homosexuality years ago said he always knew there were many "dildos" among his Republican colleagues. "Now we need a new term for the 'Republican dildos' who are not gay," Frank mused. "Maybe we can politely call them men who have sex with the women who raised them."
