Wednesday, August 12, 2009

 

Health Care Debate Undergoes Reincarnation

WASHINGTON DC - Republican Senator Johnny Isakson of Georgia has offered an amendment to the health care legislation entitled the Youth-In-Asia Option. Modeled on the Japanese hara-kiri, a form of ritual suicide, the option will allow Americans with life-threatening illnesses or major disabilities a menu of choices for ending life at government expense.

Better known as the “death option” by health care change opponents, the program would be administered by a panel of specialists who would explain the pluses and minuses of every choice to all those who qualify. If enacted, Dr. Jack Kevorkian may be pardoned and appointed to chair the panel, according to White House sources.

Isakson insists that the honorable Japanese way of ending one’s life, suicide by disembowelment, would not be an option under the proposed Youth-In-Asia plan. “There are many ways to kill a cat and the government will offer the most efficient, low cost methods available,” he explains.

The Congressional Budget Office has projected a savings of 100 billion dollars over a 10-year period once the Youth-In-Asia program is up and running. Their report quantifies the costs of long-term care vs. the slam-bang you’re out of here approach and concludes that free health care for the healthy would earn the government a healthy profit.

While the majority of Republicans oppose any government-run health program Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell says they may support the Youth-In-Asia Option if it is run by the private sector. “The insurance industry is already limiting care to the very sick and elderly so it would be an easy step for them to say ‘it’s time to go, buddy.’ Big corporations, not the government, should decide life and death issues.”

Democrat leaders appeared poised for vaccinations as they were caught with their pants down with the announcement of the Isakson amendment. “Youth-In-Asia sounds to me like a sneaky title for a complicated proposal,” cautioned Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid. “The details will put people right to sleep,” he argued.

Isakson said he could envision going to an expensive French restaurant with a gorgeous young female model for a candlelight dinner at government expense when the time came. “My favorite jazz tunes would be playing softly in the background while I dined on fillet mignon and drank French champagne laced with small amounts of cyanide.

“’You’re a dead ringer for Robert Redford,’ my date would say as I begin to fade.”

Monday, August 03, 2009

 

Palin Clicks Her Heels On The Yellow Brick Road

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA - Former Alaska Governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin announced she is moving to Kansas with all her children to reopen the Women’s Health Care Services, a controversial abortion center recently closed after the assassination of its doctor, George R. Tiller.

Palin would not comment about whether her husband Todd would be joining her or whether the couple will be seeking a formal separation.

“Dr. Tiller helped me when I was unmarried and pregnant and reopening the clinic is the least I can do in his memory,” she said. “Abortion is a private matter between a woman and her doctor and those Right to Life fanatics who supported me in the past can go right to hell.”

Palin said she hoped her celebrity and her about-face on the abortion issue would help attract a doctor who would be willing to risk his or her life in the land of Oz. “The abortion foes are like the scarecrow without a brain, Catholic priests like the tin man without a heart, and Kansas doctors like the lion without courage,” she proclaimed.

“I’ll be the Wicked Witch of the West if that’s what it takes to provide abortion services to women like me who want to take charge of their lives,” she said.

Right to Life organizations and Evangelical Christians nation-wide were stunned by Palin’s announcement. “We never know what she might do next,” commented Jerry Falwell, “but we love her just the same.”

Palin says her only regrets will be missing bear hunting and waving to her Russian friends from the Seaward Peninsula of Alaska. “I don’t know what they shoot in Kansas besides abortion doctors but I suspect there are lots of turkeys running around.”

“The problem with ending a pregnancy in this country is that the word ‘abortion’ got a bad rap,” Palin pointed out. “Let’s face it, eight years of George W. Bush, the McCain-Palin ticket, and the Republican Party today are all abortions. This country would have been better off if some of the folks in my party had never have been born,” she argued.

Speculation abounds as to why Palin has chosen this direction in her political life. Does she have her eye on a Kansas senate seat, the governorship, or a presidential run as a moderate Republican? Palin insists her only interests at this time are women’s issues and her own family.

“A good point guard drives through a full court press, protecting the ball, keeping her eye on the basket, and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win,” Palin explains. “And I'm doing that -- keeping our eye on the ball that represents sound priorities, smaller government, energy independence, national security, freedom! And I know when it's time to pass the ball for victory.

“I ask myself all the time,” she adds, “what would Dorothy have done?”

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