Saturday, March 24, 2012
Toying Around With A Deferential Super PAC
WASHINGTON - A new Super PAC, The Uncle Tom Foundation, is selling a political adult toy to raise money in support of designated national Democratic candidates. Called an electronic Retch-A-Sketch, the device shows portraits of all past and present Republican presidential candidates who entered the 2012 presidential primary.
The Retch-A-Sketch allows the player to alter the facial characteristics of the candidates from lengthening of the nose to making the lips move to say “no new taxes.” There are also choices of general facial expressions from solemn to satanic or confused to retarded.
The player may also wipe out a candidate and start over. Ears, eyes, noses and mouths may be switched around to create an ideal president. A favorite combination includes a hear-no-evil pair of Gingrich ears, an angelic pair of Santorum eyes, a Pinocchio-style Romney nose, and an extra-large Palin mouth.
Another option is to place a white hood over the candidate’s head or a jester’s hat on his or her crown.
The device plays a variety of musical backgrounds including I Wish I Was In Dixie, Running With Jesus, and If I Only Had A Brain from the Wizard of Oz.
The Uncle Tom Foundation with its Oreo Cookie logo was created to help shuffle respectful, low-key Democrats into Congress and the White House. Candidates need to show deference to White Christian Americans and lower their eyes when approaching them in order to be eligible for the Foundation’s support.
The Retch-A-Sketch is on sale for $29.98 plus tax and shipping, batteries not included. Members of the NRA, KKK, and neighborhood watch organizations are eligible for a 10% discount.
The Retch-A-Sketch allows the player to alter the facial characteristics of the candidates from lengthening of the nose to making the lips move to say “no new taxes.” There are also choices of general facial expressions from solemn to satanic or confused to retarded.
The player may also wipe out a candidate and start over. Ears, eyes, noses and mouths may be switched around to create an ideal president. A favorite combination includes a hear-no-evil pair of Gingrich ears, an angelic pair of Santorum eyes, a Pinocchio-style Romney nose, and an extra-large Palin mouth.
Another option is to place a white hood over the candidate’s head or a jester’s hat on his or her crown.
The device plays a variety of musical backgrounds including I Wish I Was In Dixie, Running With Jesus, and If I Only Had A Brain from the Wizard of Oz.
The Uncle Tom Foundation with its Oreo Cookie logo was created to help shuffle respectful, low-key Democrats into Congress and the White House. Candidates need to show deference to White Christian Americans and lower their eyes when approaching them in order to be eligible for the Foundation’s support.
The Retch-A-Sketch is on sale for $29.98 plus tax and shipping, batteries not included. Members of the NRA, KKK, and neighborhood watch organizations are eligible for a 10% discount.
Tuesday, March 06, 2012
Limbaugh Outed As A Pill-Dealing Screwball
WASHINGTON DC - Screw-U Magazine reported that radio personality Rush Limbaugh has been supplying a Washington DC escort services with oral contraceptives obtained from friends in the Republican Party. According to Carrie Hooker who manages Cash & Carrie Escorts, Limbaugh has been bartering birth control pills for sexual favors for a number of years. “It has saved us thousands of dollars and my girls love to tie him up to the bedposts,” she said.
Limbaugh, according to the article, obtains the contraceptives from members of Congress who get them for free from their generous federal health plans. He has often been observed with an entourage of Republican congressmen at DC hotels arm in arm with young female escorts who appear as ladies of the night.
The Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHB), available to all Congressmen and Senators, will pay the full cost of birth control for any Republican member, male or female, with a note from the Speaker of the House or any high ranking Republican official. On the other hand, Democrats must go the usual route of obtaining a doctor’s prescription.
According to a spokesman for FEHB, the rules were set during the George W. Bush Administration when Republicans in good standing were appointed to supervisory posts in a wide variety of government agencies. As Republican politicians had a much higher rate of sexually transmitted diseases it was argued they needed an easier way to obtain birth control devices.
Speaker of the House John Boehner who is reportedly ready, willing and able to have sex at any given time has written scores of permission slips to fellow House members for contraceptives. With a characteristic stiff upper lip, Boehner conceded that he wrote a number of approval letters but insists they were all used for legitimate purposes.
Limbaugh claimed, through a spokesman, that he’s supplying birth control pills to all his ex-wives as part of the divorce agreements. But his claim raised eyebrows as all three women are reportedly post-menopausal.
“I can’t imagine how a person like Rush can be so full of shit and sperm at the same time,” said wife number three Marta Maranda Fitzgerald. “Why would he want an escort service? He’s more of a jerk-off kind of guy,” questioned wife number two Michelle Sixta. “His genitals are so small that he gets off ranting and raving. Forget intercourse,” claims wife number one Roxy Maxine McNeely.
Meanwhile Limbaugh is remaining uncharacteristically silent on the issue. Ms. Hooker says the delivery of pills to her establishment has stopped and suspects that Limbaugh is now trading them for Viagra. “His fleeing advertisers are getting him down so he may be needing a good pick-me-up,” she ventured.
Limbaugh, according to the article, obtains the contraceptives from members of Congress who get them for free from their generous federal health plans. He has often been observed with an entourage of Republican congressmen at DC hotels arm in arm with young female escorts who appear as ladies of the night.
The Federal Employees Health Benefits Program (FEHB), available to all Congressmen and Senators, will pay the full cost of birth control for any Republican member, male or female, with a note from the Speaker of the House or any high ranking Republican official. On the other hand, Democrats must go the usual route of obtaining a doctor’s prescription.
According to a spokesman for FEHB, the rules were set during the George W. Bush Administration when Republicans in good standing were appointed to supervisory posts in a wide variety of government agencies. As Republican politicians had a much higher rate of sexually transmitted diseases it was argued they needed an easier way to obtain birth control devices.
Speaker of the House John Boehner who is reportedly ready, willing and able to have sex at any given time has written scores of permission slips to fellow House members for contraceptives. With a characteristic stiff upper lip, Boehner conceded that he wrote a number of approval letters but insists they were all used for legitimate purposes.
Limbaugh claimed, through a spokesman, that he’s supplying birth control pills to all his ex-wives as part of the divorce agreements. But his claim raised eyebrows as all three women are reportedly post-menopausal.
“I can’t imagine how a person like Rush can be so full of shit and sperm at the same time,” said wife number three Marta Maranda Fitzgerald. “Why would he want an escort service? He’s more of a jerk-off kind of guy,” questioned wife number two Michelle Sixta. “His genitals are so small that he gets off ranting and raving. Forget intercourse,” claims wife number one Roxy Maxine McNeely.
Meanwhile Limbaugh is remaining uncharacteristically silent on the issue. Ms. Hooker says the delivery of pills to her establishment has stopped and suspects that Limbaugh is now trading them for Viagra. “His fleeing advertisers are getting him down so he may be needing a good pick-me-up,” she ventured.
