Friday, March 17, 2006
Mad Cow Disease Threatens Washington
WASHINGTON, March 17 - Cheaters and Liars recently learned of a confidential study by the Food and Drug Administration about early signs of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease among government officials, including U.S. Senators and Congressmen. Washington DC doctors have reported patient symptoms, particularly among a high number of Republican lawmakers, indicating a significant reduction in brain activity of those examined.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease is believed to be caused by bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE, better known as Mad Cow Disease. It could be transmitted to humans by eating meat from infected cows. According to a FDA official who could not speak on the record, Republicans may be more susceptible to Creutzfeldt-Jakob because they eat more red meat than Democrats.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who is also a medical doctor, claims "there is absolutely no sign of this disease in Washington or anywhere in the U.S." Although Frist admits he has neither examined the patients nor saw any of the medical records, he is confident there are no mad cows running wild in either the White House or the Capitol. "As long as our country's leaders can walk, smile and say 'yea' or 'nay' at the appropriate times there is no reason to worry about some bug that might be going around," he insists.
Congressman Tom Delay, who claims he has no memory of any political campaign contributions and recently testified that Jack Abramoff was his tailor, assumed a holier than thou attitude when asked about his brain. He accused Democrats of spreading "vicious rumors" and pointed to President Ronald Reagan who "eats lots of red meat and is doing a fine job running the country."
Senator John McCain said his sudden full support of the Republican Party platform, President Bush, and no limits on campaign contributions have more to do with a change of heart than a change in brain activity. "It doesn't take any brains to know that we're winning the war in Iran and balancing the budget at the same time so it doesn't matter even if some of our grey matter is getting a little spongy."
Vice-President Dick Cheney said he had "full confidence" in the FDA keeping dangerous diseases out of the food chain. "Government agencies like the FDA and FEMA keep Americans safe from known and unknown threats to our way of life," he pointed out. As far as Mad Cow Disease is concerned, Cheney explained that sick cows get shot, no questions asked. "We treat dangerous animals just like we treat our Muslim enemies," he said.
President Bush, in responding to reporters' questions, said Creutzfeldt-Jakob is obviously a "foreign ideology" that has no place in the American lexicon. He said the FDA has a fine record of doing "the right thing," including it's refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of Plan B, a morning-after pill. "If the FDA can keep Plan B off the shelves they certainly can keep tainted red meat out of the supermarkets," he reasoned.
Senator Joe Lieberman admitted he may be experiencing early signs of a brain disease because he has trouble remembering if he's a Democrat or Republican. He proposed a "Mad Cow Law" allowing the government to snoop on suspect cattle farmers without a warrant. "If my memory serves me correctly, I think we're already doing it. But we should have a law to make it legal," he said.
Meanwhile, tougher federal regulations and inspections of cattle have caused the cost of all meat products to skyrocket. Poor people who now cannot afford to buy meat have been protesting in front of the White House. When President Bush was questioned about the protestors at a recent press conference he replied, "by George, let them eat vegetables!"
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease is believed to be caused by bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE, better known as Mad Cow Disease. It could be transmitted to humans by eating meat from infected cows. According to a FDA official who could not speak on the record, Republicans may be more susceptible to Creutzfeldt-Jakob because they eat more red meat than Democrats.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who is also a medical doctor, claims "there is absolutely no sign of this disease in Washington or anywhere in the U.S." Although Frist admits he has neither examined the patients nor saw any of the medical records, he is confident there are no mad cows running wild in either the White House or the Capitol. "As long as our country's leaders can walk, smile and say 'yea' or 'nay' at the appropriate times there is no reason to worry about some bug that might be going around," he insists.
Congressman Tom Delay, who claims he has no memory of any political campaign contributions and recently testified that Jack Abramoff was his tailor, assumed a holier than thou attitude when asked about his brain. He accused Democrats of spreading "vicious rumors" and pointed to President Ronald Reagan who "eats lots of red meat and is doing a fine job running the country."
Senator John McCain said his sudden full support of the Republican Party platform, President Bush, and no limits on campaign contributions have more to do with a change of heart than a change in brain activity. "It doesn't take any brains to know that we're winning the war in Iran and balancing the budget at the same time so it doesn't matter even if some of our grey matter is getting a little spongy."
Vice-President Dick Cheney said he had "full confidence" in the FDA keeping dangerous diseases out of the food chain. "Government agencies like the FDA and FEMA keep Americans safe from known and unknown threats to our way of life," he pointed out. As far as Mad Cow Disease is concerned, Cheney explained that sick cows get shot, no questions asked. "We treat dangerous animals just like we treat our Muslim enemies," he said.
President Bush, in responding to reporters' questions, said Creutzfeldt-Jakob is obviously a "foreign ideology" that has no place in the American lexicon. He said the FDA has a fine record of doing "the right thing," including it's refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of Plan B, a morning-after pill. "If the FDA can keep Plan B off the shelves they certainly can keep tainted red meat out of the supermarkets," he reasoned.
Senator Joe Lieberman admitted he may be experiencing early signs of a brain disease because he has trouble remembering if he's a Democrat or Republican. He proposed a "Mad Cow Law" allowing the government to snoop on suspect cattle farmers without a warrant. "If my memory serves me correctly, I think we're already doing it. But we should have a law to make it legal," he said.
Meanwhile, tougher federal regulations and inspections of cattle have caused the cost of all meat products to skyrocket. Poor people who now cannot afford to buy meat have been protesting in front of the White House. When President Bush was questioned about the protestors at a recent press conference he replied, "by George, let them eat vegetables!"
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Senate Candidates Kick Off Pro-Life Campaign
BETHLEHEM, PA, March 11 - Both the Republican incumbent and Democrat challenger in Pennsylvania's closely watched Senate race this year are vying to be the most aggressive pro-life candidate. Senator Rick Santorum, the third-ranking Republican in the Senate leadership is being challenged by State Treasurer Bob Casey Jr. who claims his anti-abortion platform makes Santorum's look like "a wolf guarding the womb."
Casey insists, if elected, he will introduce a bill giving fetuses the right to vote and taking away voting rights from women who "kill their babies" prior to giving birth. In other words, according to Casey, pregnant women would be allowed to vote twice and any woman aborting her fetus would lose the right to vote for 18 years.
Santorum, who admits that "the other side of the aisle wants to beat me more than anything you can possibly imagine," pledges to make abortion doctors and their patients more visible for public ridicule. He pledges to introduce a bill, if reelected, to require these doctors to wear a "skull and bones patch" on their coats and women who abort their fetuses to wear "a brightly colored letter 'A' patch, perhaps in scarlet."
Casey counters by proposing federal funding for "fetus fun parks" in every state. "Aborted fetuses would be skinned and stuffed, just like animal heads, and displayed in child-like dioramas, such as seated around a little table having a tea party," Casey explains. "Before a woman could have an abortion she would be required to visit one of these parks while listening, on tape, to fetal heartbeats.
Santorum, not to be outdone, suggests an annual one-day open hunting season for abortion doctors. "People would be free to shoot paintball guns at any doctor who performs first-term abortions for any reason," he explains. "Doctors who abort fetuses in the second term or perform partial birth abortions could be sprayed with birdshot," according to the Senator.
Pro-life groups are in a quandary about which candidate to support and are planning a Fetus Folk Fest where both Santorum and Casey will each be asked to do a one-man show disguised as "unborn youth" and identified only as "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." They will be scored based on their insight of fetal emotions, according to festival spokesperson Nealey Bourne. Casey is preparing for the contest by bathing in amniotic fluid while Santorum says he plans to keep his head closer to the womb and out of his own rectal area for a change.
"Unfortunately, we can only choose one," points outs Bourne. "We can't have them both going to Washington as wombmates."
Casey insists, if elected, he will introduce a bill giving fetuses the right to vote and taking away voting rights from women who "kill their babies" prior to giving birth. In other words, according to Casey, pregnant women would be allowed to vote twice and any woman aborting her fetus would lose the right to vote for 18 years.
Santorum, who admits that "the other side of the aisle wants to beat me more than anything you can possibly imagine," pledges to make abortion doctors and their patients more visible for public ridicule. He pledges to introduce a bill, if reelected, to require these doctors to wear a "skull and bones patch" on their coats and women who abort their fetuses to wear "a brightly colored letter 'A' patch, perhaps in scarlet."
Casey counters by proposing federal funding for "fetus fun parks" in every state. "Aborted fetuses would be skinned and stuffed, just like animal heads, and displayed in child-like dioramas, such as seated around a little table having a tea party," Casey explains. "Before a woman could have an abortion she would be required to visit one of these parks while listening, on tape, to fetal heartbeats.
Santorum, not to be outdone, suggests an annual one-day open hunting season for abortion doctors. "People would be free to shoot paintball guns at any doctor who performs first-term abortions for any reason," he explains. "Doctors who abort fetuses in the second term or perform partial birth abortions could be sprayed with birdshot," according to the Senator.
Pro-life groups are in a quandary about which candidate to support and are planning a Fetus Folk Fest where both Santorum and Casey will each be asked to do a one-man show disguised as "unborn youth" and identified only as "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." They will be scored based on their insight of fetal emotions, according to festival spokesperson Nealey Bourne. Casey is preparing for the contest by bathing in amniotic fluid while Santorum says he plans to keep his head closer to the womb and out of his own rectal area for a change.
"Unfortunately, we can only choose one," points outs Bourne. "We can't have them both going to Washington as wombmates."
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Cheney To Retire At End Of Year
WASHINGTON, March 4 - In an exclusive interview with Cheaters and Liars, Vice-President Dick Cheney announced that he will be retiring from the vice-presidency at the end of this year. He says he wants to start a hog farm in Texas, spend more time hunting, and support organizations that are struggling for a strong, white Christian America.
"Hogs are animals I can easily identify with," admits the vice-president. "They know exactly what they want and will rout wherever they damn please without worrying their little brains about the consequences."
Cheney also wants to devote time supporting various militias, such as the Texas Rough Riders, working to keep the "Mex out of Tex." In addition, the vice-president plans to add his name in support of state legislation to end most appeals of death row inmates proposed by a grass-roots committee called the Texas Friars. "It's time we stop coddling convicted murderers," Cheney says. According to the Friars, murderers should "squirm while they burn," and Cheney wholeheartedly endorses this sentiment.
For relaxation, Cheney says he wants to take the next step in his hunting skills from shooting from a blind to simply shooting blind. The object is to develop one's hearing sensitivity, according to the vice-president, so you can hit the game blindfolded. While he admits accidents can happen, especially during the initial learning stages, he says he plans to have an attorney at his side just in case he inadvertently shoots a fellow hunter. "I don't want to get egg on my face just because I put a few pellets in someone else's."
The vice-president will be retiring prior to the end of his second term in office because, he says, he is "sick and tired" of working with a president whom he describes as a "pea-brained puppet." Cheney concedes that he's "bored pulling the strings" and would rather "shoot from the hip" instead of working with an administration that is always "shooting itself in the foot." He insists that "compassionate conservatism" is a "load of hogwash."
"Let's face it," argues the vice-president, "the American constitution is outdated and it's time we gave up many of our freedoms to make our country safe for democracy." Cheney believes that George Orwell had it right in his book "1984" and the United States should have implemented many of Orwell's ideas years ago. "There shouldn't be all this fuss about starting wars, wiretapping, and torture," Cheney argues. "We could eliminate all crime and terrorism with a president who has the balls to let the military run the country."
In the meantime, Cheney will keep busy consorting with his hogs and making the transition from political pork to unencumbered pigheadedness. He also plans to offer farming jobs to any "displaced New Orleans negro who wants to do some honest work." He says he will be offering rent-free shacks and all the pork rinds one can eat in exchange for working a ten-hour day, seven days a week. The incentive for working hard, he says, will be an opportunity for a houseboy job under the supervision of Colin Powell. "I will even have a professional shoveling position ready and waiting for little Georgie Boy in 2009."
"Hogs are animals I can easily identify with," admits the vice-president. "They know exactly what they want and will rout wherever they damn please without worrying their little brains about the consequences."
Cheney also wants to devote time supporting various militias, such as the Texas Rough Riders, working to keep the "Mex out of Tex." In addition, the vice-president plans to add his name in support of state legislation to end most appeals of death row inmates proposed by a grass-roots committee called the Texas Friars. "It's time we stop coddling convicted murderers," Cheney says. According to the Friars, murderers should "squirm while they burn," and Cheney wholeheartedly endorses this sentiment.
For relaxation, Cheney says he wants to take the next step in his hunting skills from shooting from a blind to simply shooting blind. The object is to develop one's hearing sensitivity, according to the vice-president, so you can hit the game blindfolded. While he admits accidents can happen, especially during the initial learning stages, he says he plans to have an attorney at his side just in case he inadvertently shoots a fellow hunter. "I don't want to get egg on my face just because I put a few pellets in someone else's."
The vice-president will be retiring prior to the end of his second term in office because, he says, he is "sick and tired" of working with a president whom he describes as a "pea-brained puppet." Cheney concedes that he's "bored pulling the strings" and would rather "shoot from the hip" instead of working with an administration that is always "shooting itself in the foot." He insists that "compassionate conservatism" is a "load of hogwash."
"Let's face it," argues the vice-president, "the American constitution is outdated and it's time we gave up many of our freedoms to make our country safe for democracy." Cheney believes that George Orwell had it right in his book "1984" and the United States should have implemented many of Orwell's ideas years ago. "There shouldn't be all this fuss about starting wars, wiretapping, and torture," Cheney argues. "We could eliminate all crime and terrorism with a president who has the balls to let the military run the country."
In the meantime, Cheney will keep busy consorting with his hogs and making the transition from political pork to unencumbered pigheadedness. He also plans to offer farming jobs to any "displaced New Orleans negro who wants to do some honest work." He says he will be offering rent-free shacks and all the pork rinds one can eat in exchange for working a ten-hour day, seven days a week. The incentive for working hard, he says, will be an opportunity for a houseboy job under the supervision of Colin Powell. "I will even have a professional shoveling position ready and waiting for little Georgie Boy in 2009."
