Saturday, March 11, 2006
Senate Candidates Kick Off Pro-Life Campaign
BETHLEHEM, PA, March 11 - Both the Republican incumbent and Democrat challenger in Pennsylvania's closely watched Senate race this year are vying to be the most aggressive pro-life candidate. Senator Rick Santorum, the third-ranking Republican in the Senate leadership is being challenged by State Treasurer Bob Casey Jr. who claims his anti-abortion platform makes Santorum's look like "a wolf guarding the womb."
Casey insists, if elected, he will introduce a bill giving fetuses the right to vote and taking away voting rights from women who "kill their babies" prior to giving birth. In other words, according to Casey, pregnant women would be allowed to vote twice and any woman aborting her fetus would lose the right to vote for 18 years.
Santorum, who admits that "the other side of the aisle wants to beat me more than anything you can possibly imagine," pledges to make abortion doctors and their patients more visible for public ridicule. He pledges to introduce a bill, if reelected, to require these doctors to wear a "skull and bones patch" on their coats and women who abort their fetuses to wear "a brightly colored letter 'A' patch, perhaps in scarlet."
Casey counters by proposing federal funding for "fetus fun parks" in every state. "Aborted fetuses would be skinned and stuffed, just like animal heads, and displayed in child-like dioramas, such as seated around a little table having a tea party," Casey explains. "Before a woman could have an abortion she would be required to visit one of these parks while listening, on tape, to fetal heartbeats.
Santorum, not to be outdone, suggests an annual one-day open hunting season for abortion doctors. "People would be free to shoot paintball guns at any doctor who performs first-term abortions for any reason," he explains. "Doctors who abort fetuses in the second term or perform partial birth abortions could be sprayed with birdshot," according to the Senator.
Pro-life groups are in a quandary about which candidate to support and are planning a Fetus Folk Fest where both Santorum and Casey will each be asked to do a one-man show disguised as "unborn youth" and identified only as "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." They will be scored based on their insight of fetal emotions, according to festival spokesperson Nealey Bourne. Casey is preparing for the contest by bathing in amniotic fluid while Santorum says he plans to keep his head closer to the womb and out of his own rectal area for a change.
"Unfortunately, we can only choose one," points outs Bourne. "We can't have them both going to Washington as wombmates."
Casey insists, if elected, he will introduce a bill giving fetuses the right to vote and taking away voting rights from women who "kill their babies" prior to giving birth. In other words, according to Casey, pregnant women would be allowed to vote twice and any woman aborting her fetus would lose the right to vote for 18 years.
Santorum, who admits that "the other side of the aisle wants to beat me more than anything you can possibly imagine," pledges to make abortion doctors and their patients more visible for public ridicule. He pledges to introduce a bill, if reelected, to require these doctors to wear a "skull and bones patch" on their coats and women who abort their fetuses to wear "a brightly colored letter 'A' patch, perhaps in scarlet."
Casey counters by proposing federal funding for "fetus fun parks" in every state. "Aborted fetuses would be skinned and stuffed, just like animal heads, and displayed in child-like dioramas, such as seated around a little table having a tea party," Casey explains. "Before a woman could have an abortion she would be required to visit one of these parks while listening, on tape, to fetal heartbeats.
Santorum, not to be outdone, suggests an annual one-day open hunting season for abortion doctors. "People would be free to shoot paintball guns at any doctor who performs first-term abortions for any reason," he explains. "Doctors who abort fetuses in the second term or perform partial birth abortions could be sprayed with birdshot," according to the Senator.
Pro-life groups are in a quandary about which candidate to support and are planning a Fetus Folk Fest where both Santorum and Casey will each be asked to do a one-man show disguised as "unborn youth" and identified only as "Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum." They will be scored based on their insight of fetal emotions, according to festival spokesperson Nealey Bourne. Casey is preparing for the contest by bathing in amniotic fluid while Santorum says he plans to keep his head closer to the womb and out of his own rectal area for a change.
"Unfortunately, we can only choose one," points outs Bourne. "We can't have them both going to Washington as wombmates."
