Sunday, December 20, 2009
Lieberman May Exchange Slime For Divine
WASHINGTON - Joe Lieberman may be giving up his Senate seat to become ambassador to the Vatican. According to sources close to the Connecticut Senator, Lieberman is finding the political tensions in the Senate too stressful and he may choose to accept the appointment offered to him by the President.
Lieberman previously told Cheaters & Liars that he was enjoying his position as an Independent because it allowed him to “stick it to both Democrats and Republicans.” He noted that for the first time in his political career he is able to unabashedly ignore his constituents in favor of the corporations that have financially supported him with millions of dollars, contributing to his present 38 percent approval to 54 disapproval rating among Connecticut voters.
“I never could have been elected without substantial support from the insurance, health care and pharmaceutical industries, especially running as an independent,” admitted the Senator. “Now they have my full support,” he added. “If taking their money and doing their bidding makes me a whore in the eyes of the public, then call me an industry whore. I’m proud of it.”
Lieberman claimed to be unphased knowing his fellow Senators refer to him as “a Connecticut Yid in King Obama’s Court” behind his back. “I’d love to shove mezuzahs up their rear ends,” Lieberman admitted, “but instead I fantasize they’re Auschwitz inmates and I’m the camp commander. It just warms my heart.”
The Connecticut Senator is reportedly giving the ambassadorship serious consideration as he identifies with the Catholic Church. He once told a reporter he had great admiration for Pope Pius XII for not speaking out against the Nazis during the Second World War to save the church. “He did just as I do in order to stay in office,” Lieberman pointed out.
While Senate Democrats are quietly elated about losing Lieberman they are mostly keeping it to themselves. Lieberman did an about face on offering Medicare buy-ins to people 55-64 when liberal Democrats embraced the idea. So there appears to be a move among Democrats to broadcast Lieberman’s pro-choice position on abortion to the Vatican to force the Senator’s hand to grab the appointment. “We can count on that bottom-feeder from Connecticut to respond to the reverse psychology like an eel to a baited hook,” said a Senate staffer who requested anonymity.
In a recent TV ad paid for by Citizens Against Sleaze in the Senate, Lieberman is depicted taking bundles of cash from insurance executives when a little boy in a wheelchair opens the door and screams, “What are you doing, Senator Lieberman?” Lieberman smiles and says, “I don’t represent cripple kids, Timmy. Go back to your street corner and sell more pencils to pay for your medical care.”
“That ad didn’t bother me one bit,” Lieberman told Fox News. “Cripple children are costing the insurance industry a fortune and we need to find new ways to deny coverage.”
Lieberman previously told Cheaters & Liars that he was enjoying his position as an Independent because it allowed him to “stick it to both Democrats and Republicans.” He noted that for the first time in his political career he is able to unabashedly ignore his constituents in favor of the corporations that have financially supported him with millions of dollars, contributing to his present 38 percent approval to 54 disapproval rating among Connecticut voters.
“I never could have been elected without substantial support from the insurance, health care and pharmaceutical industries, especially running as an independent,” admitted the Senator. “Now they have my full support,” he added. “If taking their money and doing their bidding makes me a whore in the eyes of the public, then call me an industry whore. I’m proud of it.”
Lieberman claimed to be unphased knowing his fellow Senators refer to him as “a Connecticut Yid in King Obama’s Court” behind his back. “I’d love to shove mezuzahs up their rear ends,” Lieberman admitted, “but instead I fantasize they’re Auschwitz inmates and I’m the camp commander. It just warms my heart.”
The Connecticut Senator is reportedly giving the ambassadorship serious consideration as he identifies with the Catholic Church. He once told a reporter he had great admiration for Pope Pius XII for not speaking out against the Nazis during the Second World War to save the church. “He did just as I do in order to stay in office,” Lieberman pointed out.
While Senate Democrats are quietly elated about losing Lieberman they are mostly keeping it to themselves. Lieberman did an about face on offering Medicare buy-ins to people 55-64 when liberal Democrats embraced the idea. So there appears to be a move among Democrats to broadcast Lieberman’s pro-choice position on abortion to the Vatican to force the Senator’s hand to grab the appointment. “We can count on that bottom-feeder from Connecticut to respond to the reverse psychology like an eel to a baited hook,” said a Senate staffer who requested anonymity.
In a recent TV ad paid for by Citizens Against Sleaze in the Senate, Lieberman is depicted taking bundles of cash from insurance executives when a little boy in a wheelchair opens the door and screams, “What are you doing, Senator Lieberman?” Lieberman smiles and says, “I don’t represent cripple kids, Timmy. Go back to your street corner and sell more pencils to pay for your medical care.”
“That ad didn’t bother me one bit,” Lieberman told Fox News. “Cripple children are costing the insurance industry a fortune and we need to find new ways to deny coverage.”
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Obama Wins Madoff Peace Prize
WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama has been awarded the Madoff Shoot for Peace Award for sending additional troops to Afghanistan, cited as a Nobel effort.
The award to the president was one of ten prizes given by The Bernie Madoff Pyramid Foundation in 2009. Recipients will receive 1,000 shares of Fairpoint Communication stock (currently valued at five cents a share), a lifetime subscription to TMR (Take The Money and Run) Financial Times, and a federal dinner with Mr. Madoff at his current residence.
The Madoff Science Award went to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who announced his plan to irradiate all foods imported from Israel.
The Madoff Looney Tunes Award went to Senator Orrin Hatch for writing a Hanukah song, translated into Arabic, telling the miracle of the eight Israeli-Palestinian peace accords.
The Madoff Wildlife Award went to Senator Joe Lieberman for helping preserve and protect the common weasel.
The Madoff Creative Writing Award went to former Governor Sarah Palin who claimed in her recently published book that the earth is flat, apes evolved from liberal Democrats, and any developmentally disabled child can grow up to be vice-president.
The Madoff Diplomacy Award went to Mormon Norman Jessop of Texas who kept nine wives content until one of them discovered he was having an affair with Laura Bush and complained to authorities, leading to his conviction and incarceration.
The Madoff Sacrifice for Humanity Award went to CEO Lloyd Blandfein of Goldman Sachs who announced that all top executives will now take their bonuses in stocks instead of cash and will limit their real estate holdings to something less than John McCain’s.
The Madoff Public Health Award went to Rush Limbaugh who said that poor people are no more entitled to health insurance than a home on the beach.
The Madoff Environmental Award went to Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who discovered the beauty and firmness of Argentina’s rolling hills.
The Madoff Keep Your Eye On Your Balls Award went to Tiger Woods for his outstanding aim on both the green and his driveway.
The prizes will be distributed at a private ceremony at the federal correctional facility in Ossining, New York. President Obama, in a gesture of bipartisanship, said he would be sending former FEMA official Michael “Brownie” Brown to accept the award in his place. “I am confident he will do a heckuva job,” said the president.
The award to the president was one of ten prizes given by The Bernie Madoff Pyramid Foundation in 2009. Recipients will receive 1,000 shares of Fairpoint Communication stock (currently valued at five cents a share), a lifetime subscription to TMR (Take The Money and Run) Financial Times, and a federal dinner with Mr. Madoff at his current residence.
The Madoff Science Award went to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who announced his plan to irradiate all foods imported from Israel.
The Madoff Looney Tunes Award went to Senator Orrin Hatch for writing a Hanukah song, translated into Arabic, telling the miracle of the eight Israeli-Palestinian peace accords.
The Madoff Wildlife Award went to Senator Joe Lieberman for helping preserve and protect the common weasel.
The Madoff Creative Writing Award went to former Governor Sarah Palin who claimed in her recently published book that the earth is flat, apes evolved from liberal Democrats, and any developmentally disabled child can grow up to be vice-president.
The Madoff Diplomacy Award went to Mormon Norman Jessop of Texas who kept nine wives content until one of them discovered he was having an affair with Laura Bush and complained to authorities, leading to his conviction and incarceration.
The Madoff Sacrifice for Humanity Award went to CEO Lloyd Blandfein of Goldman Sachs who announced that all top executives will now take their bonuses in stocks instead of cash and will limit their real estate holdings to something less than John McCain’s.
The Madoff Public Health Award went to Rush Limbaugh who said that poor people are no more entitled to health insurance than a home on the beach.
The Madoff Environmental Award went to Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina who discovered the beauty and firmness of Argentina’s rolling hills.
The Madoff Keep Your Eye On Your Balls Award went to Tiger Woods for his outstanding aim on both the green and his driveway.
The prizes will be distributed at a private ceremony at the federal correctional facility in Ossining, New York. President Obama, in a gesture of bipartisanship, said he would be sending former FEMA official Michael “Brownie” Brown to accept the award in his place. “I am confident he will do a heckuva job,” said the president.
