Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Administration Official Driven From Office
Washington DC - Department of Transportation
Secretary Ray LaHood was taken to task by the Obama Administration for disparaging remarks he made appearing in an article in the National Inquirer. LaHood criticized members of the Cabinet and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in particular for their opposition to wide back car seats, an icon, he said, for young virile Americans.
He accused President Obama for taking a back seat on this issue and Cabinet members for only viewing cars as a means for getting from point A to point B. “Some folks want to go all the way in their vehicles,” he told the Inquirer. “Hillary is in denial about her back seat exploits with Bill before they were married.”
“Where are young couples supposed to go on a Saturday night if they can’t afford an apartment in this dismal economy?” LaHood questioned. “There’s only so much you can do in a movie theater and you need to be a contortionist to do anything in a subcompact.”
LaHood had fond memories of his dates in the back seat of his 1959 Chevrolet Impala. “We all would go to the local drive-in movie where most cars appeared to have no passengers,” he recalled. “That’s where I went on the first date with the woman whom I later married. When the car died the back seat became a love seat in our first apartment.”
LaHood grew up in London as Ray LaBonnet where he developed a keen interest in the backbench in Parliament and was later fascinated by the multi-uses of the wide bench car seats common at the time. His friends kidded him about changing his name to LaHood because of his love for large American cars and he actually did so when he emigrated to the U.S.
LaHood referred to the Obama Administration as “a bunch of front seat liberals who steer clear of back seat driving issues. They don’t know about the clutch. They don’t know a ball joint from a tail pipe,” he argued.
After reading the article, President Obama hauled the Secretary of Transportation to his limousine where he was admonished for having too much idle time on his hands and for blowing his own horn. A chastised LaHood admitted he was seduced by the National Inquirer’s female reporter who suggested the back seat image could take the place of the one for the Appalachian Trail. “To say you were doing business in the back seat of your car is a lot more believable to saying you were hiking the Appalachian Trail,” mused LaHood.
“I offered to keep my eyes on the road, my head under the hood, and my feet planted firmly on the floorboards from now on,” he told the press. “But the president in his infinite wisdom chose to give me the boot back to England, truncating my stay in the U.S.”
He accused President Obama for taking a back seat on this issue and Cabinet members for only viewing cars as a means for getting from point A to point B. “Some folks want to go all the way in their vehicles,” he told the Inquirer. “Hillary is in denial about her back seat exploits with Bill before they were married.”
“Where are young couples supposed to go on a Saturday night if they can’t afford an apartment in this dismal economy?” LaHood questioned. “There’s only so much you can do in a movie theater and you need to be a contortionist to do anything in a subcompact.”
LaHood had fond memories of his dates in the back seat of his 1959 Chevrolet Impala. “We all would go to the local drive-in movie where most cars appeared to have no passengers,” he recalled. “That’s where I went on the first date with the woman whom I later married. When the car died the back seat became a love seat in our first apartment.”
LaHood grew up in London as Ray LaBonnet where he developed a keen interest in the backbench in Parliament and was later fascinated by the multi-uses of the wide bench car seats common at the time. His friends kidded him about changing his name to LaHood because of his love for large American cars and he actually did so when he emigrated to the U.S.
LaHood referred to the Obama Administration as “a bunch of front seat liberals who steer clear of back seat driving issues. They don’t know about the clutch. They don’t know a ball joint from a tail pipe,” he argued.
After reading the article, President Obama hauled the Secretary of Transportation to his limousine where he was admonished for having too much idle time on his hands and for blowing his own horn. A chastised LaHood admitted he was seduced by the National Inquirer’s female reporter who suggested the back seat image could take the place of the one for the Appalachian Trail. “To say you were doing business in the back seat of your car is a lot more believable to saying you were hiking the Appalachian Trail,” mused LaHood.
“I offered to keep my eyes on the road, my head under the hood, and my feet planted firmly on the floorboards from now on,” he told the press. “But the president in his infinite wisdom chose to give me the boot back to England, truncating my stay in the U.S.”
Friday, June 18, 2010
“Don’t Blame BP, They’re My Cup Of Tea”
WASHINGTON - Texas Representative Bill Barton apologized to BP CEO Tony Hayward for the “$20 billion shakedown” he experienced at the White House to pay oil spill claims. “Accidents happen,” said Barton, “and that’s not the time to victimize a well-meaning company experiencing the loss of life and profits.”
Barton compared the worst oil spill in the country’s history to a child spilling a glass of milk. “You don’t slap the kid across the face and send him to his room. A good parent will clean up the mess and tell the child to be more careful next time,” he said. “Our government needs to be a good parent.”
When questioned about the loss of jobs and businesses along the Gulf Coast, Barton pointed out the risky nature of small businesses and said the owners need to “go with the flow.” Demanding compensation from a company with deep pockets because of an oil spill is no different from someone suing McDonalds for burns they received from spilling hot coffee on themselves, he said.
“Everyone wants to blame a big company -- a car manufacturer, food processer, or mining operator – for some problem or accident so they can collect a big check, claimed Barton. “No one wants to work any more because suing, they think, is easier and more profitable.”
“BP’s first obligation is to its investors,” Barton explained. “They will certainly help pay for the cleanup but they should not put money into the hands of “lawyers and opportunists.” He went on to say that we live in a capitalist society where business interests come first and not a third world country rife with beggars, thieves and corrupt politicians.
Barton insisted that all the anger against BP is misdirected. He suggested refocusing that anger at abortion doctors, gay marriage advocates, and environmentalists. “These folks blend into our Christian society like oil and water,” he noted. “Our government should be deporting them to some socialist country and letting big oil drill, baby, drill.”
Tea Party spokesperson Sarah Palin hailed Barton as a true red-blooded American for “having the balls” to support BP when it’s down. “If it’s a choice between fishing, the environment or oil there really is no choice,” she said. “Oil is America’s best friend and there’s nothing like a three-mile oil slick to give a girl a big turn-on.”
Barton and Palin announced the formation of the Republicans for Big Oil Committee. They will be working on legislation that will exempt oil companies operating in U.S. waters from any liability. “It’s not in their best interest to allow oil to escape into the ocean,” Barton pointed out. “Just like the kid who spills his milk. It’s in his best interest to be careful. He can’t count on a refill and may have to eat his dry cookies plain.”
Barton compared the worst oil spill in the country’s history to a child spilling a glass of milk. “You don’t slap the kid across the face and send him to his room. A good parent will clean up the mess and tell the child to be more careful next time,” he said. “Our government needs to be a good parent.”
When questioned about the loss of jobs and businesses along the Gulf Coast, Barton pointed out the risky nature of small businesses and said the owners need to “go with the flow.” Demanding compensation from a company with deep pockets because of an oil spill is no different from someone suing McDonalds for burns they received from spilling hot coffee on themselves, he said.
“Everyone wants to blame a big company -- a car manufacturer, food processer, or mining operator – for some problem or accident so they can collect a big check, claimed Barton. “No one wants to work any more because suing, they think, is easier and more profitable.”
“BP’s first obligation is to its investors,” Barton explained. “They will certainly help pay for the cleanup but they should not put money into the hands of “lawyers and opportunists.” He went on to say that we live in a capitalist society where business interests come first and not a third world country rife with beggars, thieves and corrupt politicians.
Barton insisted that all the anger against BP is misdirected. He suggested refocusing that anger at abortion doctors, gay marriage advocates, and environmentalists. “These folks blend into our Christian society like oil and water,” he noted. “Our government should be deporting them to some socialist country and letting big oil drill, baby, drill.”
Tea Party spokesperson Sarah Palin hailed Barton as a true red-blooded American for “having the balls” to support BP when it’s down. “If it’s a choice between fishing, the environment or oil there really is no choice,” she said. “Oil is America’s best friend and there’s nothing like a three-mile oil slick to give a girl a big turn-on.”
Barton and Palin announced the formation of the Republicans for Big Oil Committee. They will be working on legislation that will exempt oil companies operating in U.S. waters from any liability. “It’s not in their best interest to allow oil to escape into the ocean,” Barton pointed out. “Just like the kid who spills his milk. It’s in his best interest to be careful. He can’t count on a refill and may have to eat his dry cookies plain.”
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
Nevada Politician Strutting Like Free Range Hen
CARSON CITY, NEVADA - Nevada’s new Poultry Party is promising “a chicken in every pot” and the elimination of the Department of Agriculture among other government agencies. Headed by U.S. Senate Candidate Sue Lowden, the Party promises to clean the legislative slate of the past 100 years and get back to the basics.
“We need neither a government health insurance plan nor private health insurance,” insists Lowden. “If you can’t pay your medical bills then bring your doctor a chicken like in the old days,” she says. She also claims that Social Security and Medicare “are for the birds,” and threatens the male leaders in Washington with “a little hen pecking” over this issue.
Militant Poultry Party members boast they are not afraid to ruffle a few feathers in Congress. Armed with angry cocks they plan to fight for their beliefs in Washington circles.
State Republican voters appear to have a visceral reaction to the Party’s platform. The gutting of the American social system seems appealing to Nevadans who can barely scratch out a living.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, fighting for his political life in Nevada, says he will not stick his neck out and take on the “chickenshits” of the extreme right. “Let the poultry folks run their wing-ding campaign with their half-baked ideas and end up with egg on their faces,” says Reid. “I will fly above it all. And if asked, I will say I have no beef with the Poultry Party.”
Other targets of the two-legged party include the IRS and Department of Education. “Let’s put an end to all taxation,” Lowden insists. “If the government doesn’t have any money they can’t interfere with our lives or the education of our children. Let no chickens, I mean children, be left behind.”
The queen of Chicken-a-la-king is being challenged by a member of the Republican Tea Party in the primary. Lowden admits the Poultry Party may get its goose cooked in the general election but the far right, evangelical, teetotaler folks, she predicts will choke on their own nutty fruitcakes.”
Nevada gamblers are not betting on the outcome of either the Republican primary race or the general election. They’ve turned a deaf ear to all the political squawking. The only sure bet is that people threatening to go to the polls in rubber chicken costumes will be banned within 100 yards.
Nevada Republicans appear to have been cooped up for too long. After the election they may simply have to eat crow. Or as one political analyst said, “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.”
“We need neither a government health insurance plan nor private health insurance,” insists Lowden. “If you can’t pay your medical bills then bring your doctor a chicken like in the old days,” she says. She also claims that Social Security and Medicare “are for the birds,” and threatens the male leaders in Washington with “a little hen pecking” over this issue.
Militant Poultry Party members boast they are not afraid to ruffle a few feathers in Congress. Armed with angry cocks they plan to fight for their beliefs in Washington circles.
State Republican voters appear to have a visceral reaction to the Party’s platform. The gutting of the American social system seems appealing to Nevadans who can barely scratch out a living.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, fighting for his political life in Nevada, says he will not stick his neck out and take on the “chickenshits” of the extreme right. “Let the poultry folks run their wing-ding campaign with their half-baked ideas and end up with egg on their faces,” says Reid. “I will fly above it all. And if asked, I will say I have no beef with the Poultry Party.”
Other targets of the two-legged party include the IRS and Department of Education. “Let’s put an end to all taxation,” Lowden insists. “If the government doesn’t have any money they can’t interfere with our lives or the education of our children. Let no chickens, I mean children, be left behind.”
The queen of Chicken-a-la-king is being challenged by a member of the Republican Tea Party in the primary. Lowden admits the Poultry Party may get its goose cooked in the general election but the far right, evangelical, teetotaler folks, she predicts will choke on their own nutty fruitcakes.”
Nevada gamblers are not betting on the outcome of either the Republican primary race or the general election. They’ve turned a deaf ear to all the political squawking. The only sure bet is that people threatening to go to the polls in rubber chicken costumes will be banned within 100 yards.
Nevada Republicans appear to have been cooped up for too long. After the election they may simply have to eat crow. Or as one political analyst said, “a bird in hand is worth two in the bush.”
