Sunday, September 07, 2008
Palin Wins Hearts & Minds of the Heartless & Mindless
ST. PAUL, September 7 - Delegates to the Republican National Convention responded in glee to the nomination of Sarah Palin as vice-president. They said she was the ideal candidate to inspire family values and anyone who could point a shotgun at a high school ice hockey star and get him to agree to marry her retarded daughter would have no difficulty standing up to Russia's Putin or Iran's Ahmadinejad.
"She's a strong lady," commented one delegate. "When moose see her coming they cry 'uncle' and fall over dead. Just imagine what she could do to Democrats."
"Sarah has five kids, including a newborn, and a grandchild on the way, all living in Alaska, and she wants to be a full time vice-president in D.C. and represent the United States around the world," pointed out another delegate. "She's putting her country first. How can Obama with only two normal kids compete?"
"She's been accused of not being too intelligent because she believes in creationism, thinks global warming is god's punishment for our sins, and has no idea what her job will entail if elected," said a third delegate. "But Palin can read a prepared speech right from the printed pages. I've never seen Obama do that."
"Palin has the political skills to weave in and around controversial issues, that's why I chose her," McCain explained. "She criticized indicted Senator Ted Stevens but raised money for him; she supported the so-called bridge to nowhere but was quick to condemn it when she realized it was a lost cause; and she supports freedom of speech but she wasn't afraid to demand that certain objectionable books be banned from her town library," he pointed out.
"Some people will call it flip-flop. But I call it chutzpah. Now that's a woman after my own heart," McCain added.
One of the vice-president nominee's most admired traits, according to many delegates, is her independence. They note that she worked for two years in an attempt to have Alaska secede from the United States. "Obama never attempted that in Illinois," noted a Palin supporter.
"Sarah's one of us," explained another delegate. "We can't relate to a Harvard graduate. But when I saw a college photo of her wearing a t-shirt with a slogan touting the size of her boobs, I knew we had someone who could represent American interests around the world."
Meanwhile Palin is searching for foster families to look after her kids while she's on the campaign trail and afterward if she and McCain win the election. She has asked former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to vet the families that apply to make sure they are good, conservative Republicans. "I don't want my kids hanging around with any ape-hugging evolutionists," she declared.
McCain's staff has been busy putting a positive spin on the Palin candidacy. "How can you compare an unpatriotic, abortion-loving, Muslim to a lady who encourages teenage marriage, fires state troopers and librarians for personal reasons, protects human fetuses over live grizzly bears, and claims all the issues we face today are god's will?" questioned one staffer. "If that's not a true American, I don't know what is."
"She's a strong lady," commented one delegate. "When moose see her coming they cry 'uncle' and fall over dead. Just imagine what she could do to Democrats."
"Sarah has five kids, including a newborn, and a grandchild on the way, all living in Alaska, and she wants to be a full time vice-president in D.C. and represent the United States around the world," pointed out another delegate. "She's putting her country first. How can Obama with only two normal kids compete?"
"She's been accused of not being too intelligent because she believes in creationism, thinks global warming is god's punishment for our sins, and has no idea what her job will entail if elected," said a third delegate. "But Palin can read a prepared speech right from the printed pages. I've never seen Obama do that."
"Palin has the political skills to weave in and around controversial issues, that's why I chose her," McCain explained. "She criticized indicted Senator Ted Stevens but raised money for him; she supported the so-called bridge to nowhere but was quick to condemn it when she realized it was a lost cause; and she supports freedom of speech but she wasn't afraid to demand that certain objectionable books be banned from her town library," he pointed out.
"Some people will call it flip-flop. But I call it chutzpah. Now that's a woman after my own heart," McCain added.
One of the vice-president nominee's most admired traits, according to many delegates, is her independence. They note that she worked for two years in an attempt to have Alaska secede from the United States. "Obama never attempted that in Illinois," noted a Palin supporter.
"Sarah's one of us," explained another delegate. "We can't relate to a Harvard graduate. But when I saw a college photo of her wearing a t-shirt with a slogan touting the size of her boobs, I knew we had someone who could represent American interests around the world."
Meanwhile Palin is searching for foster families to look after her kids while she's on the campaign trail and afterward if she and McCain win the election. She has asked former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to vet the families that apply to make sure they are good, conservative Republicans. "I don't want my kids hanging around with any ape-hugging evolutionists," she declared.
McCain's staff has been busy putting a positive spin on the Palin candidacy. "How can you compare an unpatriotic, abortion-loving, Muslim to a lady who encourages teenage marriage, fires state troopers and librarians for personal reasons, protects human fetuses over live grizzly bears, and claims all the issues we face today are god's will?" questioned one staffer. "If that's not a true American, I don't know what is."
Monday, September 01, 2008
Palin's Candidacy Pales With Progeny's Pregnancy
ST. PAUL, September 1 – Republicans were in disarray this week with three major news items blowing in the wind -- Hurricane Gustav, presumptive vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's announcement that her unwed teenage daughter was pregnant, and a report that baby Trig was fathered by her husband Todd together with her daughter's best friend.
As the high waters made landfall an email appeared on national news media computers from the mystery stud named Levi admitting he had been doing to 17-year-old Bristol what the Bush Administration has been doing to the country for the past eight years.
Sarah Palin remained calm and cool with the announcement, reporting that Bristol now had a 9 pm curfew and has agreed to name the child either Sunflower or Branch depending on its gender. "We are delighted that Bristol is choosing to keep the baby instead of giving it up for adoption," said Palin who admitted being fearful that the child could have ended up in the home of "atheist or gay Democrats."
Palin also admitted she had agreed to adopt Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, if Bristol's best friend would carry the child to term and not have an abortion as planned. She said she has since forgiven Todd for his indiscretion. "Todd didn't know what he was doing when he had sex with that girl," she explained.
Todd, she admitted, went into a rage when he learned about a guy named Levi getting into his daughter's jeans. "And if 35-year-old Levi had refused to marry Bristol I would have reported him to his parole officer," she added.
The National Rifle Association, of which Sarah Palin is a member, has offered to donate the necessary firearms for the wedding. "A 21 shotgun salute will be the highpoint of the ceremony," she announced.
Meanwhile, the entertainment media is already planning a new soap opera revolving around the life of the Palin family. The working title is Abstinence Exposure. A movie, Juneau II, is also in the works. The Fox Network is planning to air the series as part of its "family values" agenda.
Democrats have pointed out that Republicans who vilified Hillary Clinton for being a working mother with one daughter now have only praise to heap on Sarah Palin’s mess. Chelsea Clinton graduated from Stanford and went to Oxford. Bristol Palin will be lucky if she finishes high school, they note.
And perhaps Todd, despite his dalliance with an underage girl, may have his own political aspirations, according to his wife. "Screwing, literally and figuratively, is all part of the Republican national platform," she pointed out.
As the high waters made landfall an email appeared on national news media computers from the mystery stud named Levi admitting he had been doing to 17-year-old Bristol what the Bush Administration has been doing to the country for the past eight years.
Sarah Palin remained calm and cool with the announcement, reporting that Bristol now had a 9 pm curfew and has agreed to name the child either Sunflower or Branch depending on its gender. "We are delighted that Bristol is choosing to keep the baby instead of giving it up for adoption," said Palin who admitted being fearful that the child could have ended up in the home of "atheist or gay Democrats."
Palin also admitted she had agreed to adopt Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, if Bristol's best friend would carry the child to term and not have an abortion as planned. She said she has since forgiven Todd for his indiscretion. "Todd didn't know what he was doing when he had sex with that girl," she explained.
Todd, she admitted, went into a rage when he learned about a guy named Levi getting into his daughter's jeans. "And if 35-year-old Levi had refused to marry Bristol I would have reported him to his parole officer," she added.
The National Rifle Association, of which Sarah Palin is a member, has offered to donate the necessary firearms for the wedding. "A 21 shotgun salute will be the highpoint of the ceremony," she announced.
Meanwhile, the entertainment media is already planning a new soap opera revolving around the life of the Palin family. The working title is Abstinence Exposure. A movie, Juneau II, is also in the works. The Fox Network is planning to air the series as part of its "family values" agenda.
Democrats have pointed out that Republicans who vilified Hillary Clinton for being a working mother with one daughter now have only praise to heap on Sarah Palin’s mess. Chelsea Clinton graduated from Stanford and went to Oxford. Bristol Palin will be lucky if she finishes high school, they note.
And perhaps Todd, despite his dalliance with an underage girl, may have his own political aspirations, according to his wife. "Screwing, literally and figuratively, is all part of the Republican national platform," she pointed out.
