Monday, September 01, 2008
Palin's Candidacy Pales With Progeny's Pregnancy
ST. PAUL, September 1 – Republicans were in disarray this week with three major news items blowing in the wind -- Hurricane Gustav, presumptive vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin's announcement that her unwed teenage daughter was pregnant, and a report that baby Trig was fathered by her husband Todd together with her daughter's best friend.
As the high waters made landfall an email appeared on national news media computers from the mystery stud named Levi admitting he had been doing to 17-year-old Bristol what the Bush Administration has been doing to the country for the past eight years.
Sarah Palin remained calm and cool with the announcement, reporting that Bristol now had a 9 pm curfew and has agreed to name the child either Sunflower or Branch depending on its gender. "We are delighted that Bristol is choosing to keep the baby instead of giving it up for adoption," said Palin who admitted being fearful that the child could have ended up in the home of "atheist or gay Democrats."
Palin also admitted she had agreed to adopt Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, if Bristol's best friend would carry the child to term and not have an abortion as planned. She said she has since forgiven Todd for his indiscretion. "Todd didn't know what he was doing when he had sex with that girl," she explained.
Todd, she admitted, went into a rage when he learned about a guy named Levi getting into his daughter's jeans. "And if 35-year-old Levi had refused to marry Bristol I would have reported him to his parole officer," she added.
The National Rifle Association, of which Sarah Palin is a member, has offered to donate the necessary firearms for the wedding. "A 21 shotgun salute will be the highpoint of the ceremony," she announced.
Meanwhile, the entertainment media is already planning a new soap opera revolving around the life of the Palin family. The working title is Abstinence Exposure. A movie, Juneau II, is also in the works. The Fox Network is planning to air the series as part of its "family values" agenda.
Democrats have pointed out that Republicans who vilified Hillary Clinton for being a working mother with one daughter now have only praise to heap on Sarah Palin’s mess. Chelsea Clinton graduated from Stanford and went to Oxford. Bristol Palin will be lucky if she finishes high school, they note.
And perhaps Todd, despite his dalliance with an underage girl, may have his own political aspirations, according to his wife. "Screwing, literally and figuratively, is all part of the Republican national platform," she pointed out.
As the high waters made landfall an email appeared on national news media computers from the mystery stud named Levi admitting he had been doing to 17-year-old Bristol what the Bush Administration has been doing to the country for the past eight years.
Sarah Palin remained calm and cool with the announcement, reporting that Bristol now had a 9 pm curfew and has agreed to name the child either Sunflower or Branch depending on its gender. "We are delighted that Bristol is choosing to keep the baby instead of giving it up for adoption," said Palin who admitted being fearful that the child could have ended up in the home of "atheist or gay Democrats."
Palin also admitted she had agreed to adopt Trig, who was born with Down Syndrome, if Bristol's best friend would carry the child to term and not have an abortion as planned. She said she has since forgiven Todd for his indiscretion. "Todd didn't know what he was doing when he had sex with that girl," she explained.
Todd, she admitted, went into a rage when he learned about a guy named Levi getting into his daughter's jeans. "And if 35-year-old Levi had refused to marry Bristol I would have reported him to his parole officer," she added.
The National Rifle Association, of which Sarah Palin is a member, has offered to donate the necessary firearms for the wedding. "A 21 shotgun salute will be the highpoint of the ceremony," she announced.
Meanwhile, the entertainment media is already planning a new soap opera revolving around the life of the Palin family. The working title is Abstinence Exposure. A movie, Juneau II, is also in the works. The Fox Network is planning to air the series as part of its "family values" agenda.
Democrats have pointed out that Republicans who vilified Hillary Clinton for being a working mother with one daughter now have only praise to heap on Sarah Palin’s mess. Chelsea Clinton graduated from Stanford and went to Oxford. Bristol Palin will be lucky if she finishes high school, they note.
And perhaps Todd, despite his dalliance with an underage girl, may have his own political aspirations, according to his wife. "Screwing, literally and figuratively, is all part of the Republican national platform," she pointed out.
