Cheaters and Liars

Cheaters and Liars (C&L) recently conducted an exclusive interview with President Bush's former Senior Policy Coordinator and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove following the announcement that Rove was being sent back to the trenches.

C&L: Mr. Rove, can you explain exactly what you have been doing in the White House as Deputy Chief of Staff?

ROVE: Please call me Karl, that's Karl with a "K" like that German fellow Marx. Basically, I do cleanup. When someone or some agency makes a mess I come in and fix it.

C&L: You mean like the Israelis do after a suicide bomber blows himself up?

ROVE: Yes, we bring in the body bags in a figurative way.

C&L: And if the president asked you to wash the windows or leak confidential information you would do it, no questions asked?

ROVE: I don't do windows.

C&L: But wasn't one of your jobs to feed journalists information, not available to anyone else, that made the president look good?

ROVE: We do whatever we can to present the president in a good light. It's a tough assignment.

C&L: Even if it involves exposing a CIA agent?

ROVE: I personally don't know any CIA agents.

C&L: Do you consider your latest job assignment, working for the election of Republican candidates in November, a demotion.

ROVE: I do what I'm asked to do with the exception of windows.

C&L: But you were considered the "brains" behind President Bush even though you never graduated from college. How will he perform, in your estimation, without your brain power?

ROVE: There are lots of other brains he can tap into. It doesn't take a whole lot of brains to be president.

C&L: When the president referred to you as a "turd blossom" what did he mean by that?

ROVE: There's a lot of shit that comes down when you're in government service and I suppose the president was saying that I thrive in that environment.

C&L: Are you aware that your name has become part of the political lexicon with the term "Rovian" used as a synonym for "Machiavellian?"

ROVE: I prefer "turd blossom" myself.

C&L: Let's talk a little about your past. Is it true you have used dirty tricks from stealing a campaign letterhead to create a fake flier, to organizing fake pollsters to ask provocative questions, to assisting groups spreading lies about a candidate?

ROVE: I did admit to the fliers. It was an immature stunt and I apologized. But I still get a laugh thinking about the Democrat running for state treasurer in Illinois announcing free beer, food, and girls.

C&L: But there seems to be a pattern here. You reportedly had fake pollsters ask Texas voters if they would vote for Governor Richards if they knew her staff was dominated my lesbians.

ROVE: That seemed like a fair question to ask. Would you vote for someone whose staff was dominated by left-wing, liberal faggots?

C&L: And what about assisting the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth spread lies about John Kerry's war record?

ROVE: It's a free country. They had a constitutional right to say whatever they wanted.

C&L: And the fake poll in South Carolina asking people if they were more or less likely to vote for John McCain in the presidential primary if they knew he fathered an illegitimate black child. Did you have anything to do with that?

ROVE: I don't think people are dumb enough to fall for that sort of thing. I could have come up with a much better question like "would you vote for John McCain if you knew he was a pedophile?"

C&L: You have been called President Bush's "attack dog" for claiming in a speech that liberals wanted "understanding and sympathy" for the 9/11 attackers, blaming local officials for the Katrina rescue fiasco, and threatening to blacklist any Republican who voted against Bush on the NSA wiretapping issue. How does it feel to be compared to a vicious animal?

ROVE: I've been called a lot worse. I still prefer "turd blossom."

C&L: It has been suggested that your threats to Republicans who do not toe the party's line is by any legal definition extortion. Any comments?

ROVE: We do whatever it takes to maintain party discipline.

C&L: Does that include using Mafia tactics?

ROVE: I said whatever it takes.

C&L: Considering all the unethical and immoral tactics you have been accused of over the years, can you still look at yourself in the mirror every morning?

ROVE: We don't have any mirrors in the White House.

C&L: Thank you very much Karl for this candid conversation.

WASHINGTON, April 11 - Texas Congressman Tom DeLay has announced a plan to start a rehabilitation retreat in Dallas for Republican politicians who have been damaged, defamed, or defeated by liberal Democrats once he leaves office in the coming months. Calling it "Delay's Big D," the program will offer inspirational workshops that will, according to the congressman, keep "the minority party of cockroaches under the heels of big brother Republicans."

"Because they can't win enough elections to be the majority the Democrats are now using the law and the constitution to make Republicans look bad," DeLay argued while flying on a R. J. Reynolds Tobacco plane on the way to his arraignment in Texas. "But we know how to bend the rules and interpret the constitution to suit our needs. The cockroaches may have their day in court but we will prevail," he insists.

Although many of the Big D programs are still in the early stages of development, some of the plans have been leaked to the press. An indoor shooting range will feature a photo of Hillary Clinton on the targets. A class entitled Swift Boat Strategy will help candidates raise questions about their opponent's character. And Revisionist Redistricting for Republicans on the Right – called "The Four Rs To Victory" -- will show how to eliminate Democrat strongholds.

While DeLay didn't deny any of the alleged plans, he said he would pray for the person or persons who spoke to the press without his authorization. "When they booked me on money laundering charges I prayed for people to see Christ through me," he says. "I always pray that my opponents will someday share my values."

DeLay will personally lead a class in Managing Political Contributions. "There are lots of loopholes in the campaign financing laws and if you're quick on your feet you can move in and out of them like a rabbit," he says. "Then you can watch Republicans multiply just like the bunnies."

The former pest-control entrepreneur and congressman claims the public is no longer interested in slogans about honesty, integrity, and compassion. "People want to make lots of money," he insists. "You do what you have to do to make a buck and you make no apologies for your success," he says. He added that taking money from Jack Abramoff was no sin as the lobbyist also gave millions to the Pope and Pat Robertson.

A good example of capitalism at its finest, according to DeLay, can be found in the Mariana Islands where low wages and sweatshop conditions in this U.S. Protectorate allow American clothing manufacturers to make big profits. "I am proud to have killed legislation that would have required these companies to pay the U.S. minimum wage," he says.

"My daddy always told me that you have to screw the other guy before he screws you," explains DeLay. "That's how I got ahead in life, that's how Republicans became the majority party, and that's how the United States became the only super power." He noted that former President Clinton would have been much better off if he had screwed his opponents instead of an intern. "Screwing folks must release endorphins because so many of us in Congress get such a thrill out of it."

Marketing the rehabilitation center will begin in the coming months with the slogan "Improve Your Political Virility With the Big D." DeLay says he expects hundreds of Republican elected officials and candidates to sign up. "We'll make the Inquisition look like child's play when we're done exterminating, I mean eliminating all our opposition," he says.