Tuesday, April 11, 2006
DeLay Establishes A "School For Scoundrels"
WASHINGTON, April 11 - Texas Congressman Tom DeLay has announced a plan to start a rehabilitation retreat in Dallas for Republican politicians who have been damaged, defamed, or defeated by liberal Democrats once he leaves office in the coming months. Calling it "Delay's Big D," the program will offer inspirational workshops that will, according to the congressman, keep "the minority party of cockroaches under the heels of big brother Republicans."
"Because they can't win enough elections to be the majority the Democrats are now using the law and the constitution to make Republicans look bad," DeLay argued while flying on a R. J. Reynolds Tobacco plane on the way to his arraignment in Texas. "But we know how to bend the rules and interpret the constitution to suit our needs. The cockroaches may have their day in court but we will prevail," he insists.
Although many of the Big D programs are still in the early stages of development, some of the plans have been leaked to the press. An indoor shooting range will feature a photo of Hillary Clinton on the targets. A class entitled Swift Boat Strategy will help candidates raise questions about their opponent's character. And Revisionist Redistricting for Republicans on the Right – called "The Four Rs To Victory" -- will show how to eliminate Democrat strongholds.
While DeLay didn't deny any of the alleged plans, he said he would pray for the person or persons who spoke to the press without his authorization. "When they booked me on money laundering charges I prayed for people to see Christ through me," he says. "I always pray that my opponents will someday share my values."
DeLay will personally lead a class in Managing Political Contributions. "There are lots of loopholes in the campaign financing laws and if you're quick on your feet you can move in and out of them like a rabbit," he says. "Then you can watch Republicans multiply just like the bunnies."
The former pest-control entrepreneur and congressman claims the public is no longer interested in slogans about honesty, integrity, and compassion. "People want to make lots of money," he insists. "You do what you have to do to make a buck and you make no apologies for your success," he says. He added that taking money from Jack Abramoff was no sin as the lobbyist also gave millions to the Pope and Pat Robertson.
A good example of capitalism at its finest, according to DeLay, can be found in the Mariana Islands where low wages and sweatshop conditions in this U.S. Protectorate allow American clothing manufacturers to make big profits. "I am proud to have killed legislation that would have required these companies to pay the U.S. minimum wage," he says.
"My daddy always told me that you have to screw the other guy before he screws you," explains DeLay. "That's how I got ahead in life, that's how Republicans became the majority party, and that's how the United States became the only super power." He noted that former President Clinton would have been much better off if he had screwed his opponents instead of an intern. "Screwing folks must release endorphins because so many of us in Congress get such a thrill out of it."
Marketing the rehabilitation center will begin in the coming months with the slogan "Improve Your Political Virility With the Big D." DeLay says he expects hundreds of Republican elected officials and candidates to sign up. "We'll make the Inquisition look like child's play when we're done exterminating, I mean eliminating all our opposition," he says.
"Because they can't win enough elections to be the majority the Democrats are now using the law and the constitution to make Republicans look bad," DeLay argued while flying on a R. J. Reynolds Tobacco plane on the way to his arraignment in Texas. "But we know how to bend the rules and interpret the constitution to suit our needs. The cockroaches may have their day in court but we will prevail," he insists.
Although many of the Big D programs are still in the early stages of development, some of the plans have been leaked to the press. An indoor shooting range will feature a photo of Hillary Clinton on the targets. A class entitled Swift Boat Strategy will help candidates raise questions about their opponent's character. And Revisionist Redistricting for Republicans on the Right – called "The Four Rs To Victory" -- will show how to eliminate Democrat strongholds.
While DeLay didn't deny any of the alleged plans, he said he would pray for the person or persons who spoke to the press without his authorization. "When they booked me on money laundering charges I prayed for people to see Christ through me," he says. "I always pray that my opponents will someday share my values."
DeLay will personally lead a class in Managing Political Contributions. "There are lots of loopholes in the campaign financing laws and if you're quick on your feet you can move in and out of them like a rabbit," he says. "Then you can watch Republicans multiply just like the bunnies."
The former pest-control entrepreneur and congressman claims the public is no longer interested in slogans about honesty, integrity, and compassion. "People want to make lots of money," he insists. "You do what you have to do to make a buck and you make no apologies for your success," he says. He added that taking money from Jack Abramoff was no sin as the lobbyist also gave millions to the Pope and Pat Robertson.
A good example of capitalism at its finest, according to DeLay, can be found in the Mariana Islands where low wages and sweatshop conditions in this U.S. Protectorate allow American clothing manufacturers to make big profits. "I am proud to have killed legislation that would have required these companies to pay the U.S. minimum wage," he says.
"My daddy always told me that you have to screw the other guy before he screws you," explains DeLay. "That's how I got ahead in life, that's how Republicans became the majority party, and that's how the United States became the only super power." He noted that former President Clinton would have been much better off if he had screwed his opponents instead of an intern. "Screwing folks must release endorphins because so many of us in Congress get such a thrill out of it."
Marketing the rehabilitation center will begin in the coming months with the slogan "Improve Your Political Virility With the Big D." DeLay says he expects hundreds of Republican elected officials and candidates to sign up. "We'll make the Inquisition look like child's play when we're done exterminating, I mean eliminating all our opposition," he says.
