Friday, October 31, 2008

 

McCain Concedes Before Votes Are Counted

WASHINGTON, October 31 - In a stunning announcement, presidential candidate John McCain conceded the election to Barack Obama four days prior to election day. McCain thanked everyone who voted for him in early balloting and encouraged Republicans who will go to the polls on November 4th to cast their vote for the Democratic candidate.

"I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I had been kidding myself, my party, and the nation," McCain admitted. "Obama is definitely the better man for the job and I wish him the best as president of the United States in these troubled times."

McCain issued an apology to the Democratic candidate saying he regretted questioning Obama's loyalty, patriotism, and experience. "He is one of the most dedicated Americans I have ever met and I am confident he will choose and listen to some of the brightest advisers this country has to offer."

Reaction from the Republican Party was swift. There were calls for Sarah Palin to replace McCain at the top of the ticket and pressure for McCain to reconsider. Palin said she was ready to assume the presidency if McCain wins the election despite his withdrawal. "Offshore and wilderness area drilling will begin the day I'm sworn into office," she pledged.

McCain said he regretted changing his positions on abortion, taxing the richest Americans, and immigration. "I did it for political expediency. I wanted the nomination so badly I was willing to sell my soul to the right wing of my party."

He also expressed regret for saying that America could win the Iraq war. "Not only was the war a mistake to begin with, but it's also a mistake for us to stay," he said. "Let's get the hell out of there and start spending the billions of wasted war dollars on a single payer health care system, sex education in the public schools, and government jobs for all the unemployed."

When asked about his choice of Sarah Palin McCain replied that it was a "foolhardy decision" in an attempt to energize the Christian right. "Palin would make a dangerous vice-president," he warned. "I wouldn't trust her within 100 yards of the White House."

McCain admitted he also didn't trust Senator Joe Lieberman, his alleged preferred choice for the second spot. He described Lieberman as a "snake, slippery and potentially poisonous." The few lone Republicans with any integrity had refused to be considered as his running mate, he said.

"The history books with show that I was a true maverick for whom my country came first," McCain declared. "God bless America. God bless Barack Obama. And God bless the liberal press for questioning my flaws and endorsing my opponent's candidacy."

Saturday, October 18, 2008

 

McCain Finds Another Joe To Make His Economic Case

WASHINGTON, October 18 - Presidential candidate John McCain accused the Obama Economic Plan of hurting small-time entrepreneurs in ghetto neighborhoods. He singled out Joe the Junkie who operates a thriving cocaine distribution network throughout Harlem who, he says, would be forced to pay taxes if Obama is elected president.

"Joe complained to members of my staff that he would not be able to hire more runners, lookouts, and distributors if his profits were taxable," McCain reported. "In addition, under the Obama Plan payoffs to law enforcement personnel would not be tax deductible."

"Joe the Junkie has lifted himself up out of poverty and provides high-paying jobs to his friends and neighbors," McCain added. "This is a good example of how deregulation can help small businesses grow and prosper."

McCain explained that the distribution and sales of illegal drugs have stimulated the underground economy and kept poor people, who usually vote Democratic, away from the voting booths. "If we start taxing Joe the folks in Harlem will end up in dead-end jobs at fast food restaurants or tap dancing at the Apollo Theater.

McCain pointed out that Joe needs the same protections as large corporations who benefit from tax loopholes, creative bookkeeping, and outsourcing. "Joe should be able to open a bank account, write checks, and hire illegal immigrants without having the IRS and INS breathing down his neck," he argued.

"While Obama campaigns for the distribution of wealth Joe is already doing exactly that without big government interference," McCain said. "There are 13 and 14-year-old kids in Harlem working for Joe and making $500 a week and more. They need the money for boom boxes, cell phones and designer jeans. Why should they have to share it with families who already have income from two or more jobs?"

McCain said Joe and his workers would also benefit from a $5,000 tax break that will help them buy life insurance under his economic plan. "These folks risk their lives every day in their line of work. How will their families pay the funeral expenses if they are killed by a rival gang?"

Joe the Junkie refused to talk to reporters about his distribution business. But he admitted to being undecided in the presidential race. "McCain is a little weird and Obama doesn't seem to know the difference between net and gross income," he said. "I may just get high on election day and watch the whole thing on TV. As far as I'm concerned, neither one of those motherfuckers is going to get one dime out of me."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

 

McCain Looks To Custer For His Own Last Stand

WASHINGTON, October 14 - As his polling numbers spiraled downward, presidential candidate John McCain turned to an increasing number of audacious acts to turn his campaign around. While his running mate Sarah Palin continued to accuse rival Barak Omaba of being a terrorist, black muslim, and a threat to white America, McCain speeches focused on his visions for an unorthodox presidency.

At a rally in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida McCain promised he would propose a constitutional amendment to make Israel the 51st state if elected. "We will rename it Juneau after my favorite city in Alaska and I will have my vice-president tell Hamas and the PLO to go fly a kike, I mean kite." he vowed. "They won't dare mess with my Sarah."

At a meeting with business leaders in Ohio McCain promised to issue an executive order barring union workers from wearing union buttons and discussing union membership in the workplace. "Places of employment should be labor neutral," he said. "We can't have left wing organizers polluting the minds of workers earning a fair and just minimum wage."

In a speech given at a meeting of the Daughters of the American Revolution, McCain noted his preference for the next Supreme Court justice to be a direct descendant of General George A. Custer. "America needs to become more American," he told his enthusiastic audience. "We can't let people with foreign sounding names pollute our judiciary."

Answering a question on winning the Iraq War at a town hall style meeting in Mississippi, McCain pledged not to leave Iraq until the U.S. has a 100-year lease to all its oil, capped at $50 a barrel. "Let's face it. This war is all about oil and not about weapons of mass destruction or democracy," he admitted. "When the Iraqis cry 'Uncle Sam' that's when we remove our troops."

In a complete reversal, McCain revamped his health care proposal to now provide every American with medical vouchers good for one office visit, one out-patient service, and one surgical procedure annually. These vouchers can be redeemed with any participating doctor or hospital, worth points to the medical provider toward home appliances and vacations at selected military bases.

"For 100 points a doctor could obtain a new waffle maker for his wife; for 1,000 points a hospital administrator could take his entire family on a week's vacation at Guantanamo Bay," he explained.

McCain's most daring plan is to hold a national lottery for the position of Special Assistant to the President. Each Special Assistant would serve for one, 24-hour period allowing 1,448 Americans to participate over the course of four years. "These special assistants will have full access and full input into all my decision making," McCain proclaimed. "Just imagine the variety of advice I will need to consider."

While McCain's new proposals made headlines around the country and rejuvenated his ailing campaign, Palin continued to serve as McCain's attack dog on the stump.

"What do American soldiers do to terrorists?" she questioned at a rally in South Carolina. "Kill!" shouted the audience. "What do abortion doctors do to babies?" "Kill!" came the reply. "What do good, decent Americans do when someone wants to reverse all the progress Republicans have made during the past eight years?" "Kill, kill, kill!" roared her supporters.

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