Thursday, February 23, 2006

 

Government Buildings, Businesses Up For Grabs In U.S.

WASHINGTON, Feb. 24 - While President George W. Bush claimed he knew nothing about the sale of U.S. port facilities to the United Arab Emirates prior to his administration's approval of the deal, he did admit negotiations were taking place with Saudi Arabia regarding the sale of the White House and other Washington landmarks to help pay for the war in Iraq and the tax cut to American billionaires.

The pending sale will reportedly be a barter arrangement, with the Saudis guaranteeing so many billions of gallons of oil over an extended period and leasing the White House and other facilities back to the American government. Although the president and members of the administration would not comment on this arrangement, it is believed that aside from a few minor physical and operational changes, everything in the nation's capital will remain the same more or less.

According to a Saudi source who requested anonymity, the Saudis would build a small, unobtrusive mosque in the Rose Garden and place speakers at the top of the Washington Monument to call all Muslims to prayer. Enemies of Islam, including Jews and "certain registered Democrats" would be excluded from these facilities, although it was unclear exactly how an enemies list would be compiled. Former members of the Nixon Administration would be consulted on this matter, said the source.

The only other facility under consideration by the Saudis is the Pentagon. The Saudis reportedly want some control of its operations and the ability to replace a portion of the staff, but U.S. negotiators are attempting a compromise. "We'll let them have a say in the management of the Army and Navy but I'll be damned if we let then have a sheik on the Joint Chiefs," commented one negotiator who said he couldn't speak on the record until a final deal was hammered out.

The search for new investments, especially in the U.S., by oil-rich nations has also focused on the private sector. Aside from U.S. ports, airlines in desperate need of hard cash have become an attractive target. Iran reportedly is making overtures to United Airlines to purchase a portion of its fleet to run a subsidiary called Magic Carpet Air.

According to a source at United, the Iranian-United partnership would subsidize daily flights to all Muslim countries, require men and women to sit on opposite sides of the plane, remove first class seating to create a "Prayer in the Air" place of worship, embroider the headrests with a Mohammed likeness, ban all alcohol from the flights, and broadcast speeches by highly respected imams throughout the passenger compartments calling for the destruction of Israel.

"With just a few minor adjustments Magic Carpet Air would operate almost the same as United," said an Iranian spokesman. "Most people would never know the difference," he pointed out.

This flurry of international economic activity has caused a furor in Congress. Both Republicans and Democrats have charged the Bush Administration with selling out our national heritage and making the U.S. an easier target for terrorists. Senator Orin Hatch said he could see selling National Public Radio or the National Endowment For The Arts to a Muslim country, but selling the White House for oil is "the last straw."

"We might as well sell the Washington and Lincoln Memorials while we're at it," Hatch said sarcastically. "Can't do it," replied White House Spokesman Scott McClellan. "We already sold them to Venezuela two years ago," he explained.

Friday, February 17, 2006

 

Public Dollars Fund Government's PR Campaign

WASHINGTON, Feb. 17 - The Bush administration spent $1.4 billion in taxpayer dollars on 137 contracts with advertising agencies over the past two-and-a-half years, according to a Government Accountability Office report released by House Democrats Monday. With spending on public relations and other media included, federal agencies spent $1.6 billion on what some Democrats called "spin."

A recent TV ad , for example, sells the idea that war is good for the American economy. It shows happy people working in weapons factories, Halliburton officials boasting about the size of their contracts and workforce, and grinning medical workers keeping busy caring for severely injured soldiers. "We need a good war every few years to keep the economy humming along," says a cheerful Allan Hubbard, Assistant to the President for Economic Policy and Director of the National Economic Council, in the ad.

Another ad extols the government for its quick and effective response to the Katrina hurricane disaster. White actors in black faces are seen singing Swanee River, eating watermelon, and thanking President Bush for providing them with tents and banjos. "We sure appreciate how the government cares for its black folk," says one of the actors.

In yet another ad, people of different races say they have no objection to the government listening to their telephone conversations. Comments such as "I am flattered," and "sounds like a fun job," and "what's wrong with a little snooping?" are heard throughout the commercial. The ad closes with a catchy jingle to the words "Call a loved one today and just watch what you say."

Perhaps the most controversial campaign is one featuring Dick Cheney saying "Guns don't kill people. People kill people." In the ad, sponsored in part by the National Rifle Association, Cheney admits that gun accidents do happen but he notes that people get killed crossing the street. "I understand that some Americans get upset when a hunter puts a few pellets into his buddy, but hey, it's all part of the experience," he says. "If I had to do it all over again I might have aimed a little higher."

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said these publicly funded ads are essential to get the right message to the American people. "If we had to rely on members of Congress or the news media to explain sensitive events then we all would be in deep caca," he said.

Friday, February 10, 2006

 

American Cartoon Insults Christians Around The World

WASHINGTON, Feb. 10 - Christians throughout the world are protesting a cartoon that appeared in the Wall Street Journal depicting Jesus Christ as a lobbyist making payoffs to President Bush. The caption read, "Keep pandering to the right-wing evangelicals and there will be a lot more where this came from."

The Pope nearly had a heart attack, according to Vatican sources, when he learned of this cartoon and he issued a fatwa on the Journal's publisher. Riots broke out in several European countries. Popular protest signs read, "Jesus No Longer Saves at American Banks," and "Religion or Politics, JC or DC?"

In France, a boycott was called on American cheese and McDonald's French fries. German Christians demanded the government ban the sale of Bud Lite and Nathan's hot dogs. Manachevitz wine will not be served in restaurants in Italy for 30 days in protest.

Wall Street Journal editorial page deputy editor Daniel Henninger defended the cartoon by pointing out that Jews and Democrats found it "highly amusing." He said "one good laugh is worth a thousand insulted Christians."

The American Nazi Party in support of white Christian supremacy and in cooperation with the Iranian government announced the production of a musical comedy set in a German gas chamber during World War II. In response, Israel will hold a Mohammed look-alike contest, the winner's photo will appear on bottles of cheap red wine named Mohammed-David.

Calling for calm and reconciliation was American Evangelical Minister Pat Robertson who pointed out that Jesus always helped poor pathetic souls. "If He returned today, I'm sure He would see that President Bush needed all the help he could get," Robertson said. "Instead of turning water into wine as he did centuries ago, Jesus now would turn dollars into votes," he explained.

President Bush said he was saddened by the "unfortunate incident" and proposed for world harmony and peace, the licensing of American publications. "When a newspaper or magazine steps over the line of good taste the government could suspend their right to publish," he pointed out.

When questioned by the press about the right of free speech, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who recently converted to Islam, claiming he was now impartial to Judeo-Christian disputes, said there was no constitutional issue. The government would not charge for the licenses, he explained. "Newspapers and magazines would get them for free and you have my word, or Mohammed strike me dead, that this administration would suspend a license only after consulting with Congress and the courts."

Thursday, February 02, 2006

 

Public Officials Linked to Human-Animal Experiments

WASHINGTON, Feb. 2 - In a recent article in National Geographic News it was reported that scientists have begun blurring the line between human and animal by producing chimeras -- a hybrid creature that's part human, part animal. Chinese scientists have successfully fused human cells with rabbit eggs; researchers at the Mayo Clinic created pigs with human blood flowing through their bodies; and at Stanford University, an experiment is being planned to create mice with human brains.

According to information leaked from the National Science Foundation, experiments involving chimeras have been going on for decades producing men and women with animal genes and animals with human organs. "There are some prominent Americans today who have been created, in one way or another, with both human and animal attributes," said a NSF scientist who requested anonymity. "While most of these experiments have gone virtually unnoticed, we have had some problems with humans who received predatory animal genes," he added.

The scientist also admitted that there may be some ethical issues involved. For example, an experiment that would raise concerns, he said, is genetically engineering mice to produce human sperm and eggs, then doing in vitro fertilization to produce a child whose parents are a pair of mice. "Things could really get sticky if the mice decided they wanted to keep the baby and sued for custody," he pointed out.

But far more frightening, according to the scientist, is information from a secret gene bank linking aggressive animal and human cells to some of today's high government officials. While there is no immediate concern about President Bush who appears to have been created with brain cells from mice, genes from wild boars in the bodies of Vice-President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld may explain why they are "hell bent on pursuing war," explained the scientist.

White House Spokesman Scott McClellan, in response to reporters' questions about chimeras, said the claim of animal genes in the president and other officials made as much sense as a plan to invade Iran or tapping the phones of innocent Americans. He suggested, jokingly, that if the president had genes from mice he would have found it much easier to navigate the Washington political maze.

"And how would a mouse respond to 9/11, Katrina, and the Abramoff scandal?" McClellan questioned rhetorically. "Anyone who suggests the president has a brain of a small rodent could end up at the Guantanamo Bay Naval Base," he warned.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?