Saturday, March 20, 2010
Off With Their Heads, Says Texas Governor
AUSTIN - The Texas legislature put the finishing touches on a bill that would eliminate lethal injection as the final solution in death penalty cases and replace it with a modern-day version of the guillotine. It is expected to pass by a wide majority and Governor Rick Perry said he would sign the legislation.
This new instrument of death named “Blade Runner” by its inventors is reportedly a quicker, painless and more humane way of carrying out capital punishment. It was developed in a joint venture between the Gillette Company and the Lionel Corporation and uses a heavier, sharper blade moving on a modern express track.
“It’s faster than an Amtrak train, a jumbo jet, or a speeding bullet, and represents the cutting edge of capital punishment,” says Governor Perry. “And it will not require the presence of a medical doctor to certify the death, saving the State millions of dollars.”
The plan is to use the Blade Runner outdoors in public places to both deter capital crimes and provide retribution for all crime victims and their families in the State. The severed head will roll down a chute into a bucket of disinfectant and a victim representative will be able to hold it up by its hair for everyone to see and cheer.
Opponents of the death penalty describe this method as a gruesome, ghoolish, and a gross display that will give the State of Texas a black eye not seen since its humiliation at the battle of the Alamo. “Texas convicts 99% of accused murderers and fries them, pound for pound, in greater numbers than pork rinds,” points out Charles Albright, convicted of killing three Texas prostitutes and serving a life sentence. “The State spared my life because I was only following the teachings of the Christian Bible,” he added.
State Education Commissioner Robert Scott said the timing couldn’t have been better. The State’s new social studies textbooks will emphasize the Christian “eye for an eye” concept, the history books will devote a full chapter on the evolution of the death penalty, and the physics curriculum will study the variables of weight vs. speed in the Blade Runner design.
“The next generation of school children will appreciate the State’s swift response to capital crimes, our connection to the French Revolution, and the use of science to solve social problems such as the elimination of bad people,” explains Scott. “Our high school students will look sharp, be sharp, and feel sharp by the time they get their diplomas.”
“Texas has a proud history of justice with the use of firing squads, hanging, electric chair, gas chamber, and lethal injection,” says Governor Perry. “The Blade Runner is going to be a heady experience for God-fearing Texans.”
This new instrument of death named “Blade Runner” by its inventors is reportedly a quicker, painless and more humane way of carrying out capital punishment. It was developed in a joint venture between the Gillette Company and the Lionel Corporation and uses a heavier, sharper blade moving on a modern express track.
“It’s faster than an Amtrak train, a jumbo jet, or a speeding bullet, and represents the cutting edge of capital punishment,” says Governor Perry. “And it will not require the presence of a medical doctor to certify the death, saving the State millions of dollars.”
The plan is to use the Blade Runner outdoors in public places to both deter capital crimes and provide retribution for all crime victims and their families in the State. The severed head will roll down a chute into a bucket of disinfectant and a victim representative will be able to hold it up by its hair for everyone to see and cheer.
Opponents of the death penalty describe this method as a gruesome, ghoolish, and a gross display that will give the State of Texas a black eye not seen since its humiliation at the battle of the Alamo. “Texas convicts 99% of accused murderers and fries them, pound for pound, in greater numbers than pork rinds,” points out Charles Albright, convicted of killing three Texas prostitutes and serving a life sentence. “The State spared my life because I was only following the teachings of the Christian Bible,” he added.
State Education Commissioner Robert Scott said the timing couldn’t have been better. The State’s new social studies textbooks will emphasize the Christian “eye for an eye” concept, the history books will devote a full chapter on the evolution of the death penalty, and the physics curriculum will study the variables of weight vs. speed in the Blade Runner design.
“The next generation of school children will appreciate the State’s swift response to capital crimes, our connection to the French Revolution, and the use of science to solve social problems such as the elimination of bad people,” explains Scott. “Our high school students will look sharp, be sharp, and feel sharp by the time they get their diplomas.”
“Texas has a proud history of justice with the use of firing squads, hanging, electric chair, gas chamber, and lethal injection,” says Governor Perry. “The Blade Runner is going to be a heady experience for God-fearing Texans.”
