Cheaters and Liars

Cheaters and Liars (C&L) recently conducted an exclusive interview with President Bush's former Senior Policy Coordinator and Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove following the announcement that Rove was being sent back to the trenches.

C&L: Mr. Rove, can you explain exactly what you have been doing in the White House as Deputy Chief of Staff?

ROVE: Please call me Karl, that's Karl with a "K" like that German fellow Marx. Basically, I do cleanup. When someone or some agency makes a mess I come in and fix it.

C&L: You mean like the Israelis do after a suicide bomber blows himself up?

ROVE: Yes, we bring in the body bags in a figurative way.

C&L: And if the president asked you to wash the windows or leak confidential information you would do it, no questions asked?

ROVE: I don't do windows.

C&L: But wasn't one of your jobs to feed journalists information, not available to anyone else, that made the president look good?

ROVE: We do whatever we can to present the president in a good light. It's a tough assignment.

C&L: Even if it involves exposing a CIA agent?

ROVE: I personally don't know any CIA agents.

C&L: Do you consider your latest job assignment, working for the election of Republican candidates in November, a demotion.

ROVE: I do what I'm asked to do with the exception of windows.

C&L: But you were considered the "brains" behind President Bush even though you never graduated from college. How will he perform, in your estimation, without your brain power?

ROVE: There are lots of other brains he can tap into. It doesn't take a whole lot of brains to be president.

C&L: When the president referred to you as a "turd blossom" what did he mean by that?

ROVE: There's a lot of shit that comes down when you're in government service and I suppose the president was saying that I thrive in that environment.

C&L: Are you aware that your name has become part of the political lexicon with the term "Rovian" used as a synonym for "Machiavellian?"

ROVE: I prefer "turd blossom" myself.

C&L: Let's talk a little about your past. Is it true you have used dirty tricks from stealing a campaign letterhead to create a fake flier, to organizing fake pollsters to ask provocative questions, to assisting groups spreading lies about a candidate?

ROVE: I did admit to the fliers. It was an immature stunt and I apologized. But I still get a laugh thinking about the Democrat running for state treasurer in Illinois announcing free beer, food, and girls.

C&L: But there seems to be a pattern here. You reportedly had fake pollsters ask Texas voters if they would vote for Governor Richards if they knew her staff was dominated my lesbians.

ROVE: That seemed like a fair question to ask. Would you vote for someone whose staff was dominated by left-wing, liberal faggots?

C&L: And what about assisting the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth spread lies about John Kerry's war record?

ROVE: It's a free country. They had a constitutional right to say whatever they wanted.

C&L: And the fake poll in South Carolina asking people if they were more or less likely to vote for John McCain in the presidential primary if they knew he fathered an illegitimate black child. Did you have anything to do with that?

ROVE: I don't think people are dumb enough to fall for that sort of thing. I could have come up with a much better question like "would you vote for John McCain if you knew he was a pedophile?"

C&L: You have been called President Bush's "attack dog" for claiming in a speech that liberals wanted "understanding and sympathy" for the 9/11 attackers, blaming local officials for the Katrina rescue fiasco, and threatening to blacklist any Republican who voted against Bush on the NSA wiretapping issue. How does it feel to be compared to a vicious animal?

ROVE: I've been called a lot worse. I still prefer "turd blossom."

C&L: It has been suggested that your threats to Republicans who do not toe the party's line is by any legal definition extortion. Any comments?

ROVE: We do whatever it takes to maintain party discipline.

C&L: Does that include using Mafia tactics?

ROVE: I said whatever it takes.

C&L: Considering all the unethical and immoral tactics you have been accused of over the years, can you still look at yourself in the mirror every morning?

ROVE: We don't have any mirrors in the White House.

C&L: Thank you very much Karl for this candid conversation.