Sunday, September 07, 2008
Palin Wins Hearts & Minds of the Heartless & Mindless
ST. PAUL, September 7 - Delegates to the Republican National Convention responded in glee to the nomination of Sarah Palin as vice-president. They said she was the ideal candidate to inspire family values and anyone who could point a shotgun at a high school ice hockey star and get him to agree to marry her retarded daughter would have no difficulty standing up to Russia's Putin or Iran's Ahmadinejad.
"She's a strong lady," commented one delegate. "When moose see her coming they cry 'uncle' and fall over dead. Just imagine what she could do to Democrats."
"Sarah has five kids, including a newborn, and a grandchild on the way, all living in Alaska, and she wants to be a full time vice-president in D.C. and represent the United States around the world," pointed out another delegate. "She's putting her country first. How can Obama with only two normal kids compete?"
"She's been accused of not being too intelligent because she believes in creationism, thinks global warming is god's punishment for our sins, and has no idea what her job will entail if elected," said a third delegate. "But Palin can read a prepared speech right from the printed pages. I've never seen Obama do that."
"Palin has the political skills to weave in and around controversial issues, that's why I chose her," McCain explained. "She criticized indicted Senator Ted Stevens but raised money for him; she supported the so-called bridge to nowhere but was quick to condemn it when she realized it was a lost cause; and she supports freedom of speech but she wasn't afraid to demand that certain objectionable books be banned from her town library," he pointed out.
"Some people will call it flip-flop. But I call it chutzpah. Now that's a woman after my own heart," McCain added.
One of the vice-president nominee's most admired traits, according to many delegates, is her independence. They note that she worked for two years in an attempt to have Alaska secede from the United States. "Obama never attempted that in Illinois," noted a Palin supporter.
"Sarah's one of us," explained another delegate. "We can't relate to a Harvard graduate. But when I saw a college photo of her wearing a t-shirt with a slogan touting the size of her boobs, I knew we had someone who could represent American interests around the world."
Meanwhile Palin is searching for foster families to look after her kids while she's on the campaign trail and afterward if she and McCain win the election. She has asked former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to vet the families that apply to make sure they are good, conservative Republicans. "I don't want my kids hanging around with any ape-hugging evolutionists," she declared.
McCain's staff has been busy putting a positive spin on the Palin candidacy. "How can you compare an unpatriotic, abortion-loving, Muslim to a lady who encourages teenage marriage, fires state troopers and librarians for personal reasons, protects human fetuses over live grizzly bears, and claims all the issues we face today are god's will?" questioned one staffer. "If that's not a true American, I don't know what is."
"She's a strong lady," commented one delegate. "When moose see her coming they cry 'uncle' and fall over dead. Just imagine what she could do to Democrats."
"Sarah has five kids, including a newborn, and a grandchild on the way, all living in Alaska, and she wants to be a full time vice-president in D.C. and represent the United States around the world," pointed out another delegate. "She's putting her country first. How can Obama with only two normal kids compete?"
"She's been accused of not being too intelligent because she believes in creationism, thinks global warming is god's punishment for our sins, and has no idea what her job will entail if elected," said a third delegate. "But Palin can read a prepared speech right from the printed pages. I've never seen Obama do that."
"Palin has the political skills to weave in and around controversial issues, that's why I chose her," McCain explained. "She criticized indicted Senator Ted Stevens but raised money for him; she supported the so-called bridge to nowhere but was quick to condemn it when she realized it was a lost cause; and she supports freedom of speech but she wasn't afraid to demand that certain objectionable books be banned from her town library," he pointed out.
"Some people will call it flip-flop. But I call it chutzpah. Now that's a woman after my own heart," McCain added.
One of the vice-president nominee's most admired traits, according to many delegates, is her independence. They note that she worked for two years in an attempt to have Alaska secede from the United States. "Obama never attempted that in Illinois," noted a Palin supporter.
"Sarah's one of us," explained another delegate. "We can't relate to a Harvard graduate. But when I saw a college photo of her wearing a t-shirt with a slogan touting the size of her boobs, I knew we had someone who could represent American interests around the world."
Meanwhile Palin is searching for foster families to look after her kids while she's on the campaign trail and afterward if she and McCain win the election. She has asked former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales to vet the families that apply to make sure they are good, conservative Republicans. "I don't want my kids hanging around with any ape-hugging evolutionists," she declared.
McCain's staff has been busy putting a positive spin on the Palin candidacy. "How can you compare an unpatriotic, abortion-loving, Muslim to a lady who encourages teenage marriage, fires state troopers and librarians for personal reasons, protects human fetuses over live grizzly bears, and claims all the issues we face today are god's will?" questioned one staffer. "If that's not a true American, I don't know what is."
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