Friday, March 17, 2006
Mad Cow Disease Threatens Washington
WASHINGTON, March 17 - Cheaters and Liars recently learned of a confidential study by the Food and Drug Administration about early signs of Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease among government officials, including U.S. Senators and Congressmen. Washington DC doctors have reported patient symptoms, particularly among a high number of Republican lawmakers, indicating a significant reduction in brain activity of those examined.
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease is believed to be caused by bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE, better known as Mad Cow Disease. It could be transmitted to humans by eating meat from infected cows. According to a FDA official who could not speak on the record, Republicans may be more susceptible to Creutzfeldt-Jakob because they eat more red meat than Democrats.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who is also a medical doctor, claims "there is absolutely no sign of this disease in Washington or anywhere in the U.S." Although Frist admits he has neither examined the patients nor saw any of the medical records, he is confident there are no mad cows running wild in either the White House or the Capitol. "As long as our country's leaders can walk, smile and say 'yea' or 'nay' at the appropriate times there is no reason to worry about some bug that might be going around," he insists.
Congressman Tom Delay, who claims he has no memory of any political campaign contributions and recently testified that Jack Abramoff was his tailor, assumed a holier than thou attitude when asked about his brain. He accused Democrats of spreading "vicious rumors" and pointed to President Ronald Reagan who "eats lots of red meat and is doing a fine job running the country."
Senator John McCain said his sudden full support of the Republican Party platform, President Bush, and no limits on campaign contributions have more to do with a change of heart than a change in brain activity. "It doesn't take any brains to know that we're winning the war in Iran and balancing the budget at the same time so it doesn't matter even if some of our grey matter is getting a little spongy."
Vice-President Dick Cheney said he had "full confidence" in the FDA keeping dangerous diseases out of the food chain. "Government agencies like the FDA and FEMA keep Americans safe from known and unknown threats to our way of life," he pointed out. As far as Mad Cow Disease is concerned, Cheney explained that sick cows get shot, no questions asked. "We treat dangerous animals just like we treat our Muslim enemies," he said.
President Bush, in responding to reporters' questions, said Creutzfeldt-Jakob is obviously a "foreign ideology" that has no place in the American lexicon. He said the FDA has a fine record of doing "the right thing," including it's refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of Plan B, a morning-after pill. "If the FDA can keep Plan B off the shelves they certainly can keep tainted red meat out of the supermarkets," he reasoned.
Senator Joe Lieberman admitted he may be experiencing early signs of a brain disease because he has trouble remembering if he's a Democrat or Republican. He proposed a "Mad Cow Law" allowing the government to snoop on suspect cattle farmers without a warrant. "If my memory serves me correctly, I think we're already doing it. But we should have a law to make it legal," he said.
Meanwhile, tougher federal regulations and inspections of cattle have caused the cost of all meat products to skyrocket. Poor people who now cannot afford to buy meat have been protesting in front of the White House. When President Bush was questioned about the protestors at a recent press conference he replied, "by George, let them eat vegetables!"
Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease is believed to be caused by bovine spongiform encephalopathy or BSE, better known as Mad Cow Disease. It could be transmitted to humans by eating meat from infected cows. According to a FDA official who could not speak on the record, Republicans may be more susceptible to Creutzfeldt-Jakob because they eat more red meat than Democrats.
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, who is also a medical doctor, claims "there is absolutely no sign of this disease in Washington or anywhere in the U.S." Although Frist admits he has neither examined the patients nor saw any of the medical records, he is confident there are no mad cows running wild in either the White House or the Capitol. "As long as our country's leaders can walk, smile and say 'yea' or 'nay' at the appropriate times there is no reason to worry about some bug that might be going around," he insists.
Congressman Tom Delay, who claims he has no memory of any political campaign contributions and recently testified that Jack Abramoff was his tailor, assumed a holier than thou attitude when asked about his brain. He accused Democrats of spreading "vicious rumors" and pointed to President Ronald Reagan who "eats lots of red meat and is doing a fine job running the country."
Senator John McCain said his sudden full support of the Republican Party platform, President Bush, and no limits on campaign contributions have more to do with a change of heart than a change in brain activity. "It doesn't take any brains to know that we're winning the war in Iran and balancing the budget at the same time so it doesn't matter even if some of our grey matter is getting a little spongy."
Vice-President Dick Cheney said he had "full confidence" in the FDA keeping dangerous diseases out of the food chain. "Government agencies like the FDA and FEMA keep Americans safe from known and unknown threats to our way of life," he pointed out. As far as Mad Cow Disease is concerned, Cheney explained that sick cows get shot, no questions asked. "We treat dangerous animals just like we treat our Muslim enemies," he said.
President Bush, in responding to reporters' questions, said Creutzfeldt-Jakob is obviously a "foreign ideology" that has no place in the American lexicon. He said the FDA has a fine record of doing "the right thing," including it's refusal to allow over-the-counter sales of Plan B, a morning-after pill. "If the FDA can keep Plan B off the shelves they certainly can keep tainted red meat out of the supermarkets," he reasoned.
Senator Joe Lieberman admitted he may be experiencing early signs of a brain disease because he has trouble remembering if he's a Democrat or Republican. He proposed a "Mad Cow Law" allowing the government to snoop on suspect cattle farmers without a warrant. "If my memory serves me correctly, I think we're already doing it. But we should have a law to make it legal," he said.
Meanwhile, tougher federal regulations and inspections of cattle have caused the cost of all meat products to skyrocket. Poor people who now cannot afford to buy meat have been protesting in front of the White House. When President Bush was questioned about the protestors at a recent press conference he replied, "by George, let them eat vegetables!"
