Saturday, September 15, 2007
Republicans Reinforce Optimism With Secret Catalyst
WASHINGTON, September 15 - A classified government report on public relations research describes a new device for controlling perception for both elected officials and the military. The report, leaked to Cheaters & Liars by an anonymous source inside the Defense Department, verifies that the device has been tested by government and military personnel for the past five years and has proven to be highly effective.
The fifth and most recent prototype of the device is called a "vision optimizer" or VO5. It can be worn as regular eye glasses or clipped on to existing ones. The lenses are coated a light pink, refracting the rays so that people, objects, or events appear in a positive light. Members of the Bush Administration and generals stationed in Iraq are said to be delighted with the results.
"There is a fine line between reality and one's expectations," wrote a Defense Department analyst who worked on the project. "It all has to do with the perception of a sewer being half empty or half full. Most Republican politicians prefer the half full scenario so these lenses can help them deal with the heavy load of their office," he added.
The report notes that people who have not tested the vision optimizer believe the American economy is in trouble, the Iraq war is hopeless, and the American health care system is broken. On the other hand, government officials who have been wearing the vision optimizer for months or years, are much more positive of both national and international issues and events.
President Bush, who reportedly wears the VO5 24/7, responded to questions about people losing their homes to predatory lenders by pointing out the availability of homeless shelters. "They are just like vacation resorts for people who are down and out," he explained.
Other VO5 enthusiasts such as General Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker compare the chaos in Iraq to a snow globe. "You shake it up and eventually everything settles," noted Crocker. Petraeus concurred, describing a military victory as "a slam dunk." Crocker also predicted that Iraq's tourism industry will blossom next summer featuring a three-ring circus in the Sunni Triangle.
Vice President Dick Cheney who described the VO5 as "the greatest invention since the Hummer vehicle," pointed to Veteran Administration Hospitals as proof that America has the best health care system in the world. "The VA patches up wounded soldiers with the same efficiency as an auto production line," he said. "They stock spare body parts to make our amputees whole again faster than it takes to build an SUV."
Already, the public is clamoring for the device. The Septic Tank Cleaners Association, a major donor to the Republican National Committee, has filed a freedom of information request as a first step to bring the VO5 to the marketplace. "Our members want to honestly assure their customers that their septic tanks are half full and need to be pumped out," explained Association President Steven Slurry. "These glasses will turn solid waste into campaign contributions. Think of that every time you flush out a Republican candidate," he said.
The fifth and most recent prototype of the device is called a "vision optimizer" or VO5. It can be worn as regular eye glasses or clipped on to existing ones. The lenses are coated a light pink, refracting the rays so that people, objects, or events appear in a positive light. Members of the Bush Administration and generals stationed in Iraq are said to be delighted with the results.
"There is a fine line between reality and one's expectations," wrote a Defense Department analyst who worked on the project. "It all has to do with the perception of a sewer being half empty or half full. Most Republican politicians prefer the half full scenario so these lenses can help them deal with the heavy load of their office," he added.
The report notes that people who have not tested the vision optimizer believe the American economy is in trouble, the Iraq war is hopeless, and the American health care system is broken. On the other hand, government officials who have been wearing the vision optimizer for months or years, are much more positive of both national and international issues and events.
President Bush, who reportedly wears the VO5 24/7, responded to questions about people losing their homes to predatory lenders by pointing out the availability of homeless shelters. "They are just like vacation resorts for people who are down and out," he explained.
Other VO5 enthusiasts such as General Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker compare the chaos in Iraq to a snow globe. "You shake it up and eventually everything settles," noted Crocker. Petraeus concurred, describing a military victory as "a slam dunk." Crocker also predicted that Iraq's tourism industry will blossom next summer featuring a three-ring circus in the Sunni Triangle.
Vice President Dick Cheney who described the VO5 as "the greatest invention since the Hummer vehicle," pointed to Veteran Administration Hospitals as proof that America has the best health care system in the world. "The VA patches up wounded soldiers with the same efficiency as an auto production line," he said. "They stock spare body parts to make our amputees whole again faster than it takes to build an SUV."
Already, the public is clamoring for the device. The Septic Tank Cleaners Association, a major donor to the Republican National Committee, has filed a freedom of information request as a first step to bring the VO5 to the marketplace. "Our members want to honestly assure their customers that their septic tanks are half full and need to be pumped out," explained Association President Steven Slurry. "These glasses will turn solid waste into campaign contributions. Think of that every time you flush out a Republican candidate," he said.
Comments:
<< Home
Fox is experimenting - with some success- to turn its veiwers into republican zombies by filtering thier broadcasts through the same pink filters that are being used in the cheaters and liars report
Post a Comment
<< Home
