Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Another Investment Bank Bites The Bullet
WASHINGTON, March 25 - Wall Street was dealt another shock wave today when the investment bank Bull Spirms announced it was declaring bankruptcy. The century-old lending institution, founded by a Texas cattle breeder, claimed it only had spare change to pay off investors.
Bull Spirms spokesman B.S. Skimmer said the bank had made large investments in the manure spreader market, riding a wave of unparalleled growth since the Bush Administration came into office. But with an anticipated change in leadership, investors feared a sudden decline in demand for spreading solid waste and the bank's stock hit the fan.
A run on Bull Spirms assets took everyone, from Federal laxative regulators to the company's washroom attendants by surprise. It left long rolls of paper trail and flush CEOs throughout financial institutions. "We informed our investors that that bank was a cash cow and on fertile ground but they suspected it was bull and attempted a quick pull-out," Skimmer reported.
Wall Street analysts cited predatory insemination in a bear market as an explanation for the bank's woes. But those who had first hand knowledge of the commodity claimed they could smell it coming a long way off.
"Republicans don't waste any time covering up their mess," pointed out Maine dairy farmer Floyd Haymaker. "Their schemes begin in the White House and end up in the outhouse. I feel a lot safer keeping my hard-earned money buried in a locked box," Haymaker said.
Presidential hopeful John McCain argued that the government should just say no to any romantic overtures for a bailout. He predicted the company's stock would successfully float before it ended up in a financial cesspool. He also recommended the company apply for a government grant to establish an investment bank in Iraq once the war is won.
Meanwhile, former Enron Chief Financial Officer Andrew Fastow is soliciting investors to purchase Bull Spirms stock for 10 cents on the dollar. "There's always a need for manure in Washington," he says. "The company bears watching."
Fastow predicts that manure spreaders will be in vogue whether the Republicans or Democrats are running the country. He plans to market the buyout with a classic slogan -- "Brother can you spare a dime."
Bull Spirms spokesman B.S. Skimmer said the bank had made large investments in the manure spreader market, riding a wave of unparalleled growth since the Bush Administration came into office. But with an anticipated change in leadership, investors feared a sudden decline in demand for spreading solid waste and the bank's stock hit the fan.
A run on Bull Spirms assets took everyone, from Federal laxative regulators to the company's washroom attendants by surprise. It left long rolls of paper trail and flush CEOs throughout financial institutions. "We informed our investors that that bank was a cash cow and on fertile ground but they suspected it was bull and attempted a quick pull-out," Skimmer reported.
Wall Street analysts cited predatory insemination in a bear market as an explanation for the bank's woes. But those who had first hand knowledge of the commodity claimed they could smell it coming a long way off.
"Republicans don't waste any time covering up their mess," pointed out Maine dairy farmer Floyd Haymaker. "Their schemes begin in the White House and end up in the outhouse. I feel a lot safer keeping my hard-earned money buried in a locked box," Haymaker said.
Presidential hopeful John McCain argued that the government should just say no to any romantic overtures for a bailout. He predicted the company's stock would successfully float before it ended up in a financial cesspool. He also recommended the company apply for a government grant to establish an investment bank in Iraq once the war is won.
Meanwhile, former Enron Chief Financial Officer Andrew Fastow is soliciting investors to purchase Bull Spirms stock for 10 cents on the dollar. "There's always a need for manure in Washington," he says. "The company bears watching."
Fastow predicts that manure spreaders will be in vogue whether the Republicans or Democrats are running the country. He plans to market the buyout with a classic slogan -- "Brother can you spare a dime."
