Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner wrote “we need to repeal Obamacare” in an op-ed article for the Cincinnati Enquirer two weeks following the election.  The Ohio Republican Congressman claimed that the new health care law would add to the debt ignoring a report from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office which said the Affordable Care Act would in fact lower the debt.

“Studies, polls, and statistics hardly matter if the results are opposed to your beliefs,” Boehner says.  “If you keep repeating your positions, regardless of the evidence for or against it, people will ultimately believe you.”

Although many Republicans have used this tactic to advantage it has come to be known as Boehner’s Doctrine.  “Chose a controversial issue, repeat your view as a mantra, and keep pounding away until the crows end up on the Thanksgiving dinner table,” notes Congressman Paul Ryan who admits the tactic didn’t work as planned in the recent election.

In the past year Republicans have recited their hari krishnas about good and bad rape, voter fraud, intelligent design and folks looking for government handouts.  “We will keep chanting our values for the next four years and that should convince voters that the world is flat and man evolved from the Garden of Eden,” says Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Boehner suggests he may tweak the claim by the head of Maine’s Republican Party that busloads of African American voters were brought into the State to vote for Obama.  “I believe a charge that Democrats are supplying illegal immigrants with false IDs to enable them to vote might stick,” he says.  “That’s why we need to encourage them to self deport by poking them with cattle prods.  We can make Mexico appear as a paradise in comparison.”

The Speaker of the House says it’s time for Republicans to go back to the mantra of “State’s Rights.”  “Let’s get the federal government off our backs and allow each state to decide who can vote, the legitimacy of rape claim, the proof of evolution, and who is entitled to health care.”

As far as the so-called fiscal cliff is concerned, Boehner insists he will not agree to any proposal from the President without a 20% across the board tax reduction and the elimination of Obamacare.  “If the President thought he had trouble dealing with budget issues in his first term he’s in for a big surprise in the coming years,” he predicts.

The Republican-controlled House, according to the Speaker, has Obama by the gonads and warns that they will continue to squeeze until he says “uncle.”  “If we can’t win the presidency then we will make life hell for the President,” he says.  “That’s what we are able to do in a free society.  That’s what America is all about.”