Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON - The National Rifle Association is spending millions of dollars to promote the use of guns to children as young as five years of age.  Called the No Tot Without A Shot program, the NRA hopes to interest young people in the safe use of everything from six-shooters to semi-automatic assault rifles.

“Real guns should be fun for kids,” says NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre‬.  “Instead of toy pistols why don’t we put real rifles in their hands and show them how to safely shoot.  Let’s replace the make believe ‘bang-bang-you’re-dead’ with ‘bang-bang-bulls-eye’.”

The NRA will promote its guns for tots program in TV cartoons and comic books.  Children will be seen carrying western-style six-shooters and military weapons while making the United States safe for democracy by wiping out both domestic criminals and foreign terrorists.  “The point,” says LaPierre, “is to show that good guys with guns are needed to stop bad guys with guns and the police are not always there to protect us.”

While children’s advocates and schoolteachers across the country are outraged at the NRA campaign they admit there is little they can do to stop the gun craze.  “If children want to shoot real guns in a supervised environment it’s up to their parents to decide,” says Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s Defense Fund.  “Our fear is that one of these kids will turn out to be psychologically unfit to own a gun and become a mass murderer,” she points out.

In response, the NRA notes that any deviant gun owner will be facing a large contingent of his gun-toting peers who will blow his brains out before he has a chance to do any damage.  “Guns don’t kill people, good people with guns kill bad people with guns,” argues LaPierre.  “Who in their right mind would go on a killing spree knowing that many young people are now carrying weapons and trained to use them.”

According to the NRA, kids will soon boast about how many and which type of guns their fathers’ own instead of comparing cars and swimming pools as status symbols.  “We have a Glock 9mm and an AK-47at my house,” is the braggadocio of a typical elementary school student that the NRA is aiming for.  LaPierre also envisions kids trading bullets instead of baseball cards.

The first TV episode for kids will involve a five-year-old who is trained by his father to use a Beretta m9.  Left home alone one night, the little kid foils a break-in by blasting away at the intruder who turns out to be a friendly neighbor.  The lesson, says LaPierre, is not to shoot first and ask questions later.  “By enacting a terrible mistake kids will learn to be more careful with their weapons.”

Eventually the NRA hopes to organize groups of children who will proudly march in public carrying their guns.  “In all modesty, I envision the LaPierre Youth, a paramilitary organization with uniforms and black boots ready to defend Americans against an oppressive government,” says the NRA Executive Vice President.  “No Tot Without A Shot is our marching orders.”