Cheaters and Liars

BOSTON - In a press conference today with Romney supporters softly singing in the background, Why-oh, Why-oh, Did We Lose Ohio? Mitt Romney explained some of the details of his agenda if he had won the election. “I admit I was a little vague on exactly how I would deal with the major issues our country is facing but now is the time to fess up,” he said.

“I claimed I would create millions of jobs for Americans and I had planned to do just that,” he pointed out.  “However, my plan was to ship undocumented workers in this country to third world countries where they could work in American factories for prevailing wages.  This would help the country twofold.  First, we would rid the country of people who came here illegally and second, these people would send money back to help support their families in the U.S.  It would be a win-win situation,” he argued.

Concerning his pledge to eliminate Obamacare and replace it with a health care program that wouldn’t increase the deficit, Romney outlined his vision for providing medical services to all.  “If you’re sick and you don’t have private insurance you will be able to call a commercial, pay-per-minute 1-900 number and get advice from a medical practitioner in countries such as India and Indonesia.  If the situation is life-threatening, the government will provide a one-way bus ticket to Canada,” he explained.

When it comes to Iran, Romney offered a unique political solution to convince its leaders to abandon their nuclear research and facilities.  He said he would threaten to airdrop thousands of Mormon missionaries into the country to attempt quick conversions of the Iranian public.  “It will be like a swarm of white shirt-and-tie locusts descending on every neighborhood,” he said.  “The ayatollahs would have a shit fit.”

While Romney campaigned to reduce every American’s taxes by 20% he admitted that the promise was a sleight of hand.  To make up the difference Romney said he would institute high taxes on gay marriages and abortions, eliminate Medicare and Medicaid, and sell off the Social Security Administration to the highest bidder.  “I am confident we can run this country just like I ran Bain Capital.  If a private company is unable to run Social Security profitably they can always fire the workers and ship it overseas,” he noted.

Romney encouraged Republicans in Congress to lobby for his solutions to America’s challenges.  “In four years Republicans could be singing California We Have Won, Right Back Where Reagan’s From,” he proclaimed.