Monday, January 07, 2013

 

The New South Rises Like a Phoenix


AUSTIN, TEXAS - A coalition of southern states has banded together to form an exploratory organization for the purpose of seceding from the United States.  Called The Confederate Republican Political Alliance or CRPA, its members will consider the pros and cons of forming a separate country.

Led by Texas Governor Rick Perry, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant and Alabama Governor Dr. Robert Bentley, the organization with invite neighboring states, including Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana to join the coalition.  A decision on secession will be reached before the end of the year, according to the governors.

“Texans would like to use Mexicans illegally crossing the border for target practice, freely purchase guns without restriction, and execute convicted murderers within 30 days following convictions, no questions asked,” says Governor Perry.  “As long as we’re trapped within the U.S.A. there are too many constraints on our freedom.”

“Folks in Mississippi would like to reinstate the poll tax, segregate our schools, and make lynching a misdemeanor,” says Governor Bryant.  “We’re just sick and tired of the federal government telling us how to run our state.  Life was much better down here when Negros knew their place and white men were never convicted of rape.”

“Here in Alabama we would like to see more Negros with banjos on their knees than at the University,” chimes in Governor Bentley.  “As a medical doctor I can attest to the fact that the colored folk have lower intelligence but are terrific singers and shufflers.  Just look at Nat King Cole, Dinah Washington, and Condolezza Rice, all from Alabama.  They’re great performers who didn’t need no higher education.”

The disadvantages of secession, according to the governors, will be the loss of federal aid for roads and bridges, disaster relief, social security, medicare, and other social programs.  But in their opinion it would be a small price to pay to create a truly white, Christian country where children can pray in public school, abortion and gay marriage are illegal, and evolution is stricken from textbooks.

The favorite name for the new country appears to be The Confederate States of America.  “We would have our own militia,” says Governor Perry, “and the NRA has offered to provide all the guns free of charge.  If the Negros don’t like it they can move to the U.S.A.  We’ll provide a one-way bus ticket to the blue state of their choice free of charge.”

A proposed national anthem may be a revised version of I’m A Good Old Rebel.  Instead of bemoaning the south’s loss to “the lyin’, thievin’ Yankees” it would celebrate its political victory over the “hated Constitution.”  The southern governors claim their constituents would sing I’m A Good Old Rebel holding semi-automatic rifles with a lot more enthusiasm than the unsingable Star Spangled Banner.

“They can take the Stars and Stripes, Civil Rights, and Obamacare and shove it up you know where,” announced Governor Bryant.  “The Bible will be our constitution and heaven help anyone who tries to stop us.”

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