Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON - President Obama announced today that it was time for Congressmen to make the hard choice between government spending and services.  He said he would take immediate action following a vote on raising the debt limit to sever any congressional district from Social Security, Medicare, aid to education, and a whole host of federal government subsidies whose Congressmen voted “nay.”

“If the majority of folks in a district are opposed to taxes, government borrowing and spending, and would like to keep government out of their lives, then it’s only fair to exempt them from both federal taxes and federal programs,” he said.  “If at some future time they would like to join the rest of the country then they can elect a Congressman who will be supportive of our fiscal policies.”

The President claimed the Constitution gives him the authority to withhold federal money from any rebellious Congressional District.  “I am prepared to sign an executive order to that affect as soon as Congress votes on the debt ceiling or refuses to bring it to a vote.  Let every Congressman who votes “nay” go back home and explain to his constituents why they’re not getting their Social Security checks and why their schools and police departments are forced to lay off many of their employees.”

The President pointed out that the same Congressmen who supported federal disaster money for their State as well as military spending, especially if there’s a military contractor in their district, without a blink of an eye, are some of the same people who complain about big government.  “Many of these Congressmen come from States that receive more money from the federal government than we receive in taxes from them.  Then they have the nerve hold back disaster relief to New York and New Jersey.  What hypocrites!”

Republican response was swift.  House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed the president was a hypocrite by accepting Secret Service protection for his children but not allowing NRA-trained volunteers to ride shotgun at every public school.  He also threatened impeachment proceeding if the president cut off any Congressional District from any federal program.

“We want lower taxes, major cuts to entitlement programs, more money for the military, and a balanced budget,” insisted McConnell.  “Until we get a commitment from the president for the proposed Republican budget he can take the debt limit and shove it,” he added.

A group of private investors including Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg have stepped up to the plate and offered to help the government pay its debts for the remainder of the year at prevailing interest rates.  “When a rear end of a horse threatens to destroy a country’s credit rating it’s time to bring out the whips,” said Buffett.  “A little S&M might be just what this country needs.”