Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON, Dec. 26 -World leaders are attempting to rewrite history from the Battle of Hastings to America's war in Iraq, according to a survey by the Enron Foundation for Truth and Trust. A middle east propaganda effort to deny the Holocaust, says Foundation president and former FEMA Director Michael Brown, has blossomed into a world-wide attempt to interpret historical facts more favorably to a country's self interest.

While Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and the Egyptian leader of the Muslin Brotherhoold Muhammad Mehdi Akef call the Holocaust "a myth" and suggest that Israel be "moved to Europe," other leaders are now questioning long-held historical beliefs, Brown points out.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair, for example, has tentatively raised an issue concerning the alleged American Revolution. "Did America really win its independence from England?" he reportedly asked in the House of Commons to cheers and jeers from its members. He also denied that Britain was invaded by the Normans. "They just visited our island to see the sights," he insisted.

And French Prime Minister Jacques Chirac is now claiming that Algeria was never a French colony. "The Algerians asked us to introduce French cuisine and our literary expertise," he said, "but we never attempted to control our southerly neighbors in any way."

Brown noted that his experience with bull excrement working for the Bush Administration has made him particularly sensitive to anyone trying to bamboozle the public. "We will take quick, forceful action to point out fraud and deception once we determine that historical facts have been manipulated," he said. "But that might take some time."

Other questionable comments about history have come from Mexican President Vicente Fox who claims his country was triumphant at the Alamo and Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who insists that Italy fought on the side of the Americans during World War II. "The Germans never appreciated our food, wine, shoes, and opera" he said, "so why in the world would we fight on their side." He pointed out that Mussoloni was simply a "comic actor" and Americans and Italians have always been "just like brothers."

Brown suggests that possibly the most flagrant abuse of historical facts comes directly from the Bush White House. "They claim that America won the wars in Vietnam and Iraq in addition to the war on the constitution," he said. "My horse sense tells me not to take this at face value. There might be some excrement involved here."

WASHINGTON, Dec. 14 - The Democratic leadership has announced a "dream team" of stealth candidates for the 2008 presidential election. According to Democrat Party Chairman Howard Dean, former Senator Eugene McCarthy of Minnesota will head the ticket together with former Senator Robert Kennedy of New York as second in command.

The fact that McCarthy recently passed away at age 89 and Kennedy was assassinated 37 years ago didn't seem to fluster the Democrats. Dean noted that former Minnesota Senator Paul Wellstone, a Democrat killed in a plane crash prior to an election, handily trounced his Republican opponent. "People would rather vote for a dead Democrat than a rabid Republican," Dean pointed out.

Running deceased candidates will make it very difficult for the Republicans to do a "smear job" as they did to Senator John Kerry in the last election, according to Dean. "McCarthy and Kennedy will not need to travel around the country making speeches and appearing at public rallies," Dean explained. "They can simply run on their fine reputations."

Dean was coy when asked about the game plan if McCarthy and Kennedy were elected. He noted the Speaker of the House was next in line for the top job, but if Republicans maintained control of the House the Democrats would do "whatever is necessary" to ensure that a Democrat resides in the White House. "We learned all the dirty tricks from our colleagues on the other side of the aisle or now in prison," he said.

Republican reaction to the Democrat's plan was mixed. Senator Orin Hatch said if the Democrats can nominate deadbeats, Republicans might as well nominate Lincoln. Senator Rick Santorum proposed Richard Nixon as a presidential candidate. "He got a raw deal when he was President. It would be a tribute to his great leadership and integrity to have him as our party's leader once again," Santorum said.

Dean explained that "no one in their right mind" would want to campaign for a leadership job, making promises and positive predictions, in a county that is so "fucked up" thanks to George W. Bush. "Our country has been gratefully led by 'dead heads' in both the past and present and Americans have learned to discriminate between the 'dick heads' and 'dead heads'," he explained.

When questioned about running deceased candidates, President Bush said he had some grave concerns about the practice but Republicans should leave no stone unturned for 2008. "We are the party of the people. And dead or alive, we will run this country to the best of our abilities," he said.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 8 - Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist proposed a constitutional amendment that would make "Intelligent Design" the country's doctrine. "Americans were put on this earth," he said, "by the miraculous workings of a supreme being." He claimed that Christ went to the cross "for all of us" and we should not insult His memory by clinging to the notion of man evolving from the apes.

Frist cited Darwin's theory of evolution as a Zionist plot to degrade a Christian country. "The Jews crucified our Savior and now they want to reduce Christian America to the lowest level of black Africa," he said. "Negroes, Jews, and Democrats may have hairy ancestors but most of white, Republican America was created in God's image," he pointed out.

The majority leader expressed annoyance as Senator Joe Biden, Deleware Democrat, started jumping up and down while scratching his armpits in the middle of Frist's speech. "Intelligent Design is no joke," shouted Frist. "Toss me a banana," responded Biden.

Senator Orin Hatch, Utah Republican, said there was no better explanation for the complexity and uniqueness of man than the intervention of a higher being. "Men have been killing each other for thousands of years," replied Senator Edward Kennedy, Massachusetts Democrat. "I wouldn't call that design particularly intelligent," he said.

"I'm a member of the Stork Club," announced Senator Dianne Feinstein, California Democrat, while flapping her arms. "I was delivered air mail, no fuss, no muss," she said.

"If you think I'll go apeshit over your racist remarks you don't know beans how we black folk inhabited the earth," interrupted Barack Obama, Illionois Democrat, referring to Frist's remarks. "We descended from the wise old owl while the likes of you must have had some fool turkey in your family tree."

"Did I hear somebody say something unkind about the Jews?" questioned Senator Joseph Liberman, Connecticut Democrat.

Senate President Dick Cheney pounded his gavel for order. "For Christ's sake," he shouted above the din, "are we here for a biology lesson or do we have more important matters to take up like a tax cut for the super rich?" he asked. Meanwhile, a group of female senators, including Hillary Clinton, Barbara Boxer, and Elizabeth Dole, broke into a chorus of "Aba, daba, daba, daba, daba, daba, dab said the Monkey to the Chimp" while their colleagues kept time clapping their hands.

"Three cheers for immaculate conception," shouted one unidentified senator from the floor. "Too many old fossils in this chamber," shouted another.

By this time, Frist appeared to lose control. "You're a bunch of cookie-baking, baby making, ignorant housewives," he shouted at the women who were on the third verse of the song. "Any minute I'm going to pull your feeding tubes so we Republican men can get back to running the country!" he exclaimed.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 5 - The Bush Administration has asked Congress to pass the hat to help pay for the war in Iraq. Former Republican Majority Leader Tom Delay has volunteered to donate his entire Congressional salary to support the war effort and he called on his fellow Republicans to do the same.

"Put your money where you mouth is," Delay shouted in an emotional speech from the House floor. "This war is costing our country millions of dollars every day and the least we can do is make some personal sacrifices."

For those congressmen who would prefer to dedicate their donation for a specific item or purpose, Delay proposed a number of categories. He said one smart bomb can be purchased for $100,000; a rocket launcher at $50,000; an automatic weapon for $25,000; a prosthetic limb for an American soldier at $10,000; a phosphorus shell for $5,000; a bullet-proof vest at $1,000; or a year-supply of food for a prisoner-of-war for only $100.

Gifts will be given to donors who make generous contributions, according to Delay. They may include a mounted skull of an Al-Qaeda suicide bomber or a framed photo of an Iraqi prisoner receiving electric shocks. Delay said these gifts were in limited supply and will be awarded on a first come, first served basis.

President Bush hailed this effort as "patriotism at its finest." Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist said his chamber will consider donating organs and limbs to wounded servicemen. "There is no reason why any of us couldn't give up a kidney, arm or leg to someone who has been severely injured fighting for his country," Frist explained. "Since we can transplant almost any part of the body it creates an opportunity for us to make a meaningful contribution."

Frist also invited Democrat senators to participate, but he suggested they "don't have the balls" to donate a body part. Senator John Kerry responded that he already gave up his "manliness" when he ran for president. Minority Leader Harry Reid proposed that Bush should make a very small, symbolic donation first, like his brain.

"This support the war effort is sounding more and more like The Wizard of Oz," Reid said. "We're all a bunch of straw men with tin armor and no courage looking for someone to wave a wand to get us out of this mess. But our wizard is no whiz kid. He is just an ordinary fool hiding behind a curtain," Reid pointed out.

WASHINGTON, Dec. 2 - As part of an information offensive in Iraq, the U.S. government is secretly paying Iraqi newspapers to publish stories written by an American public relations agency in an effort to burnish the image of the U.S. mission in Iraq.

One recent article had President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney exchanging rings in a civil union. "We must set an example for the Iraqi people about the importance of freedom," the president was quoted as saying. "Although Dick and I are married we are free to express our love publicly in a democracy, without fear," he added.

Bush went on to explain in the article that he wanted to be remembered as the American president who put homophobia to rest. "It took one conservative Republican to recognize China and another to stop gay bashing," he said. "The people of Iraq should be free to pursue their hearts whether it be beastiality, S&M, or dominatrix relationships."

Iraqi reaction to this article was mixed. While many Muslim clerics saw this as one more example of Bush trying to pervert their country, men on the street said Bush appeared to be a "cool dude" and they would love to come to America to experience new forms of sexual expression. "Saddam had the whips and chains but he never used them for fun," commented one young man who described himself as a "student of the Koran."

Back in Washington, Democrats were in an uproar. "The next thing will be an article about Condoleezza Rice having sex with an elephant in the Washington Zoo," commented Senator John Kerry. "Perhaps it would be OK with a donkey, but a pachyderm is obscene," he added.

Other articles provided to Iraqi newspapers told about the introduction of western culture in Iraq including junk food, heavy metal music, and girlie magazines. "If the Iraqis are kept busy with western vices they'll be too busy enjoying themselves instead of thinking about blowing themselves up in public," commented an American public relations specialist who requested anonymity. "We need to make them fat, lazy, and sexually satisfied so we can pull out quickly," he added.

When questioned about these articles, White House spokesman Scott McClellan insisted the Administration knew nothing about this situation. "We are totally in the dark about lots of things that go on in Iraq," he said.

WASHINGTON, Nov. 28 - President Bush announced at a press conference today that he wanted to apologize to the American people. He said he was "very sorry" to have misled the country into a war with Iraq and admitted the affair was a "big mistake."

"To the friends and families of those who lost their lives fighting for their country, let me say that I will make amends for this tragedy," Bush said tearfully. "Pat Robertson and I will pray together, asking for forgiveness, and we will continue to pray until we receive a message from our Lord."

When asked what sort of message he was expecting, Bush speculated that it could be anything from a "heavenly gift of self-awareness" to a call for "leading an evangelical crusade throughout the nation." He said he was prepared, if necessary, to walk barefoot from town to town, city to city, preaching the gospel to anyone willing to listen.

"I know I lied. I know I told others to lie. I know I invaded Iraq under false pretenses in the hopes to change the political dynamics of the Middle East so I could go down in history as a great world leader," Bush told reporters. "It was a terrible thing to do," he said. "But you know, shit happens."

Bush claimed his motivation stemmed from a "difficult childhood" when he was repeatedly told by his parents that he would never amount to any good. He admitted that as a young man growing up in Texas he was "lazy, deceitful, and not too interested in school. "When I smashed up my brother Jeb's car I told my family I didn't know anything about it," he said. "But the police found me at the scene dead drunk and bleeding. I wasn't too good, I guess, at covering my tracks," he pointed out.

While Bush was pouring out his heart to reporters, members of his administration announced they were jumping ship. Vice President Dick Cheney said he would return to the private sector where he could earn "a lot more money with a lot less aggravation." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he would be accepting a military-related job offer from North Korea. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she would be leaving the administration to become a spokesperson for Mississippi Senator Trent Lott. Others were expected to announce their departures shortly.

With the entire government in transition it is unclear who would become president if Bush were to resign or be impeached. White House spokesman Scott McClellan hinted that Bush may appoint a new vice president, just as President Nixon did when Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned. But McClellan refused to speculate about whom that might be.

Washington insiders have already made a short list of possible candidates. Heading the list are Republican Congressman Tom Delay and Senator Bill Frist.

"Bullshit!" shouted Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid when asked to comment about these possible replacements. "When the Republican rats leave the sinking ship all we are left are their assholes," he exclaimed.