Thursday, December 01, 2005
Bush Admits He Misled Country About Iraq
WASHINGTON, Nov. 28 - President Bush announced at a press conference today that he wanted to apologize to the American people. He said he was "very sorry" to have misled the country into a war with Iraq and admitted the affair was a "big mistake."
"To the friends and families of those who lost their lives fighting for their country, let me say that I will make amends for this tragedy," Bush said tearfully. "Pat Robertson and I will pray together, asking for forgiveness, and we will continue to pray until we receive a message from our Lord."
When asked what sort of message he was expecting, Bush speculated that it could be anything from a "heavenly gift of self-awareness" to a call for "leading an evangelical crusade throughout the nation." He said he was prepared, if necessary, to walk barefoot from town to town, city to city, preaching the gospel to anyone willing to listen.
"I know I lied. I know I told others to lie. I know I invaded Iraq under false pretenses in the hopes to change the political dynamics of the Middle East so I could go down in history as a great world leader," Bush told reporters. "It was a terrible thing to do," he said. "But you know, shit happens."
Bush claimed his motivation stemmed from a "difficult childhood" when he was repeatedly told by his parents that he would never amount to any good. He admitted that as a young man growing up in Texas he was "lazy, deceitful, and not too interested in school. "When I smashed up my brother Jeb's car I told my family I didn't know anything about it," he said. "But the police found me at the scene dead drunk and bleeding. I wasn't too good, I guess, at covering my tracks," he pointed out.
While Bush was pouring out his heart to reporters, members of his administration announced they were jumping ship. Vice President Dick Cheney said he would return to the private sector where he could earn "a lot more money with a lot less aggravation." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he would be accepting a military-related job offer from North Korea. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she would be leaving the administration to become a spokesperson for Mississippi Senator Trent Lott. Others were expected to announce their departures shortly.
With the entire government in transition it is unclear who would become president if Bush were to resign or be impeached. White House spokesman Scott McClellan hinted that Bush may appoint a new vice president, just as President Nixon did when Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned. But McClellan refused to speculate about whom that might be.
Washington insiders have already made a short list of possible candidates. Heading the list are Republican Congressman Tom Delay and Senator Bill Frist.
"Bullshit!" shouted Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid when asked to comment about these possible replacements. "When the Republican rats leave the sinking ship all we are left are their assholes," he exclaimed.
"To the friends and families of those who lost their lives fighting for their country, let me say that I will make amends for this tragedy," Bush said tearfully. "Pat Robertson and I will pray together, asking for forgiveness, and we will continue to pray until we receive a message from our Lord."
When asked what sort of message he was expecting, Bush speculated that it could be anything from a "heavenly gift of self-awareness" to a call for "leading an evangelical crusade throughout the nation." He said he was prepared, if necessary, to walk barefoot from town to town, city to city, preaching the gospel to anyone willing to listen.
"I know I lied. I know I told others to lie. I know I invaded Iraq under false pretenses in the hopes to change the political dynamics of the Middle East so I could go down in history as a great world leader," Bush told reporters. "It was a terrible thing to do," he said. "But you know, shit happens."
Bush claimed his motivation stemmed from a "difficult childhood" when he was repeatedly told by his parents that he would never amount to any good. He admitted that as a young man growing up in Texas he was "lazy, deceitful, and not too interested in school. "When I smashed up my brother Jeb's car I told my family I didn't know anything about it," he said. "But the police found me at the scene dead drunk and bleeding. I wasn't too good, I guess, at covering my tracks," he pointed out.
While Bush was pouring out his heart to reporters, members of his administration announced they were jumping ship. Vice President Dick Cheney said he would return to the private sector where he could earn "a lot more money with a lot less aggravation." Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said he would be accepting a military-related job offer from North Korea. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said she would be leaving the administration to become a spokesperson for Mississippi Senator Trent Lott. Others were expected to announce their departures shortly.
With the entire government in transition it is unclear who would become president if Bush were to resign or be impeached. White House spokesman Scott McClellan hinted that Bush may appoint a new vice president, just as President Nixon did when Vice President Spiro Agnew resigned. But McClellan refused to speculate about whom that might be.
Washington insiders have already made a short list of possible candidates. Heading the list are Republican Congressman Tom Delay and Senator Bill Frist.
"Bullshit!" shouted Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid when asked to comment about these possible replacements. "When the Republican rats leave the sinking ship all we are left are their assholes," he exclaimed.
