Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON - Representative Robert Dolt, a moderate Republican from Illinois defeated for re-election, admitted that House Republicans were using Cliff Notes as the basis for their unified position on the deficit.  He said relying on the Reader’s Digest version to understand the economic impact for allowing all taxes to rise and massive spending cuts to go into affect is like reading the first and last pages of the Bible to find God.

House Speaker John Boehner strongly disagreed.  He cited an economic analysis by the chairman of the economics department at Tuscaloosa Bible College, Calvin Cashman, proving that the super rich “slobber for joy” when entitlements are cut and they have more discretionary money to throw around.  The theory, he said, is commonly referred to by House Republicans as Dribble Down Economics.

“The super rich hand out $50 bills at company Christmas parties, throw pocket change to the homeless in the streets, and make significant contributions to political campaigns,” Boehner points out.  “Why should we stifle these acts of generosity and handcuff the economy by raising their taxes,” he argues.

Senate Minority Leader, Republican Mitch McConnell, proposed an alternative to raising taxes by requiring people on public assistance to stand on street corners with large upturned Uncle Sam hats collecting donations to reduce the federal deficit.  “People would much rather contribute voluntarily,” McConnell insisted.  “We can call it the ‘Brother Can You Spare A Dime’ campaign.”

Meanwhile Democrats have submitted a 932-page, single spaced report with their proposals for increasing income and reigning in spending.  According to Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, anyone owning Brooks Brothers suits or the equivalent and driving a BMW, Mercedes or Jaguar would be required to automatically pay a minimum $1 million in taxes. Government spending cuts, he said, would include the elimination of toilet seats from all military aircraft.  While Geithner claimed the Administration was willing to negotiate his comment, “It’s my way or the highway,” led observers to believe there was little chance for an agreement.

Citizens United reacted to Geithner’s proposals by describing the treasury secretary as a “fiscal abortion provider” on a right-to-life Web site.  “Geithner has his hands in your pocket and may be either a thief or a gay activist,” reads the description.  “Gun owners, you know the right thing to do,” it warns.  Boehner insisted the Republican Party had nothing to do with this posting.  However, he recommended that Geithner might be safer staying out of Washington for a while.

Republicans published their Cliff Notes in little red books to distribute and wave during public demonstrations.  “It’s God, money and apple pie all in one little primer,” says Boehner who describes the Republican’s economic position as “an intelligent design.”  “If Jesus saves, so will thousands of wealthy Americans who support us,” he proudly adds.

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner wrote “we need to repeal Obamacare” in an op-ed article for the Cincinnati Enquirer two weeks following the election.  The Ohio Republican Congressman claimed that the new health care law would add to the debt ignoring a report from the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office which said the Affordable Care Act would in fact lower the debt.

“Studies, polls, and statistics hardly matter if the results are opposed to your beliefs,” Boehner says.  “If you keep repeating your positions, regardless of the evidence for or against it, people will ultimately believe you.”

Although many Republicans have used this tactic to advantage it has come to be known as Boehner’s Doctrine.  “Chose a controversial issue, repeat your view as a mantra, and keep pounding away until the crows end up on the Thanksgiving dinner table,” notes Congressman Paul Ryan who admits the tactic didn’t work as planned in the recent election.

In the past year Republicans have recited their hari krishnas about good and bad rape, voter fraud, intelligent design and folks looking for government handouts.  “We will keep chanting our values for the next four years and that should convince voters that the world is flat and man evolved from the Garden of Eden,” says Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Boehner suggests he may tweak the claim by the head of Maine’s Republican Party that busloads of African American voters were brought into the State to vote for Obama.  “I believe a charge that Democrats are supplying illegal immigrants with false IDs to enable them to vote might stick,” he says.  “That’s why we need to encourage them to self deport by poking them with cattle prods.  We can make Mexico appear as a paradise in comparison.”

The Speaker of the House says it’s time for Republicans to go back to the mantra of “State’s Rights.”  “Let’s get the federal government off our backs and allow each state to decide who can vote, the legitimacy of rape claim, the proof of evolution, and who is entitled to health care.”

As far as the so-called fiscal cliff is concerned, Boehner insists he will not agree to any proposal from the President without a 20% across the board tax reduction and the elimination of Obamacare.  “If the President thought he had trouble dealing with budget issues in his first term he’s in for a big surprise in the coming years,” he predicts.

The Republican-controlled House, according to the Speaker, has Obama by the gonads and warns that they will continue to squeeze until he says “uncle.”  “If we can’t win the presidency then we will make life hell for the President,” he says.  “That’s what we are able to do in a free society.  That’s what America is all about.”

BOSTON - In a press conference today with Romney supporters softly singing in the background, Why-oh, Why-oh, Did We Lose Ohio? Mitt Romney explained some of the details of his agenda if he had won the election. “I admit I was a little vague on exactly how I would deal with the major issues our country is facing but now is the time to fess up,” he said.

“I claimed I would create millions of jobs for Americans and I had planned to do just that,” he pointed out.  “However, my plan was to ship undocumented workers in this country to third world countries where they could work in American factories for prevailing wages.  This would help the country twofold.  First, we would rid the country of people who came here illegally and second, these people would send money back to help support their families in the U.S.  It would be a win-win situation,” he argued.

Concerning his pledge to eliminate Obamacare and replace it with a health care program that wouldn’t increase the deficit, Romney outlined his vision for providing medical services to all.  “If you’re sick and you don’t have private insurance you will be able to call a commercial, pay-per-minute 1-900 number and get advice from a medical practitioner in countries such as India and Indonesia.  If the situation is life-threatening, the government will provide a one-way bus ticket to Canada,” he explained.

When it comes to Iran, Romney offered a unique political solution to convince its leaders to abandon their nuclear research and facilities.  He said he would threaten to airdrop thousands of Mormon missionaries into the country to attempt quick conversions of the Iranian public.  “It will be like a swarm of white shirt-and-tie locusts descending on every neighborhood,” he said.  “The ayatollahs would have a shit fit.”

While Romney campaigned to reduce every American’s taxes by 20% he admitted that the promise was a sleight of hand.  To make up the difference Romney said he would institute high taxes on gay marriages and abortions, eliminate Medicare and Medicaid, and sell off the Social Security Administration to the highest bidder.  “I am confident we can run this country just like I ran Bain Capital.  If a private company is unable to run Social Security profitably they can always fire the workers and ship it overseas,” he noted.

Romney encouraged Republicans in Congress to lobby for his solutions to America’s challenges.  “In four years Republicans could be singing California We Have Won, Right Back Where Reagan’s From,” he proclaimed.