Wednesday, January 17, 2007

 

Bush To Use Psychological Tactics Against Iran

WASHINGTON, January 18 - In an attempt to persuade Iran to halt its nuclear program, President Bush has authorized a number of tactics to demonstrate his displeasure with that country's leadership. "I thought of these ideas all by myself without any help from the vice-president or my staff," the president proudly announced at a White House press conference.

In addition to sending the aircraft carrier Eisenhower into the Persian Gulf, anchored off the coast of Iran, a huge portrait of the Prophet Mohammed will be displayed on its deck together with the words, "Mohammed Is An Israeli Agent" in bold Arabic letters. "That should get their attention," said White House Spokesman Tony Snow.

Thousands of leaflets will also be dropped from U.S. aircraft over Tehran proclaiming that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's grandparents were Zionists, he was secretly Bar Mitzvahed when he turned 13, and he is planning to build a Holocaust museum in Tehran, according to Snow. Given that the news media in Iran is heavily censored and rumors abound, this touch of absurdity is predicted to arouse considerable speculation, he explained.

The coup de grace, said Snow, will be a story broadcast by Voice of America and beamed into Iran about a clandestine night club in Tehran catering to high Iranian officials where alcohol, ham sandwiches, go-go dancers and slot machines are readily available. Although the Iranian government will denounce the broadcast as "vicious lies," many Iranians will be more suspicious of their government than the American news report, Snow said.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice adamantly denied that any U.S. psychological program to counter Iran's intransigency would be an attempt to provoke a military response. "We want the Iranian leadership to know that we are capable of baring our foreskins to achieve what is necessary for peace and democracy in that region," Rice said. "But if Iran so much as sends a rubber raft anywhere near our war ships we will do whatever prophylactic action is necessary to contain the unprovoked aggression."

Reactions to this plan by Democrats were mixed. Senator Clinton said she is not opposed to "psychological warfare" and will take the president's plan under advisement. Senator Obama proposed redeploying troops and ending Iranian minstrel shows but did not supply any details. Senator Kerry recommended a timed countdown, allowing each act of intimidation to fester for a specified number of days, then and only then considering the options if the tactic failed to meet its goals as determined by a nonpartisan committee of swift boat veterans.

On the other hand, Senators McCain and Lieberman cited the proposed tactics as "too weak." They suggested mounting loud speakers along the Iranian border and blasting, non-stop, a recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America." "We could turn the entire country into an Abu Ghraib," McCain pointed out. "After a few days of acoustic proselytisation the Iranians will wish they were Jewish," added Lieberman.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

 

President Ford Considered For Sainthood

THE VATICAN, January 6 - Former President Gerald Ford was nominated for sainthood by former Archbishop of Boston Bernard Cardinal Law. Although Ford was an Episcopalian, a religion leading its flock to the lower depths, according to Law, Ford deserves a better afterlife, the ex-bishop proclaimed.

"Anyone who shows compassion for the poor, the tired, the humble, and Richard Nixon is a saint in my book," Law said. "Not only did he pardon Nixon, but also the Vietnam-era draft dodgers, and his booze guzzling, dope addicted wife."

Although Law resigned in disgrace for ignoring the sexual abuse of young boys in his dioceses, he was later pardoned by Pope Benedict XVI. "I am personally familiar with pardons," Law admits. "And I embrace President Ford who confided to me that he would have pardoned all the priests who molested children, corporate crooks like Enron CEO Kenneth Lay, and serial killers like Ted Bundy if he had the power."

Law insists that Ford had all the makings of a saint. He was adopted when a Michigan couple found an abandoned baby on the 30-yard line, he later proved his bravery by playing football without a helmet, and he agreed to appear on Saturday Night Live where he was often ridiculed for being intellectually and physically challenged.

Although Ford was known to trip over his own feet and to insist that Poland was a U.S. Protectorate, he did have many redeeming qualities, Law points out. He helped Wendell Willkie win in Michigan against Franklin Roosevelt, he promoted the idea of impeaching Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas for providing an article in a magazine containing, in Ford's opinion, pornographic material, and allowed political unknowns such as Henry Kissinger, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney an opportunity to run the country while he caught up on the latest gossip in his hometown newspaper.

"I am not a Cadillac. I'm just a humble Edsel," Ford would tell his followers as he campaigned for President against Jimmy Carter. Although he accused Carter of having a brain the size of a peanut for submitting to an interview in Playboy Magazine during the campaign, he later retracted that comment by admitting he confused peanuts with walnuts. "It takes a saint to admit one's errors," Law points out.

While Pope Benedict XVI had no immediate comment about the nomination his advisors expressed concern about the nature of Ford's demise. It is believed that Ford was helping some Catholic friends clean a Michigan church when he was hit in the head with a large wooden cross. "Christ All Mighty!" were reportedly his last words.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?