Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Bush To Use Psychological Tactics Against Iran
WASHINGTON, January 18 - In an attempt to persuade Iran to halt its nuclear program, President Bush has authorized a number of tactics to demonstrate his displeasure with that country's leadership. "I thought of these ideas all by myself without any help from the vice-president or my staff," the president proudly announced at a White House press conference.
In addition to sending the aircraft carrier Eisenhower into the Persian Gulf, anchored off the coast of Iran, a huge portrait of the Prophet Mohammed will be displayed on its deck together with the words, "Mohammed Is An Israeli Agent" in bold Arabic letters. "That should get their attention," said White House Spokesman Tony Snow.
Thousands of leaflets will also be dropped from U.S. aircraft over Tehran proclaiming that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's grandparents were Zionists, he was secretly Bar Mitzvahed when he turned 13, and he is planning to build a Holocaust museum in Tehran, according to Snow. Given that the news media in Iran is heavily censored and rumors abound, this touch of absurdity is predicted to arouse considerable speculation, he explained.
The coup de grace, said Snow, will be a story broadcast by Voice of America and beamed into Iran about a clandestine night club in Tehran catering to high Iranian officials where alcohol, ham sandwiches, go-go dancers and slot machines are readily available. Although the Iranian government will denounce the broadcast as "vicious lies," many Iranians will be more suspicious of their government than the American news report, Snow said.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice adamantly denied that any U.S. psychological program to counter Iran's intransigency would be an attempt to provoke a military response. "We want the Iranian leadership to know that we are capable of baring our foreskins to achieve what is necessary for peace and democracy in that region," Rice said. "But if Iran so much as sends a rubber raft anywhere near our war ships we will do whatever prophylactic action is necessary to contain the unprovoked aggression."
Reactions to this plan by Democrats were mixed. Senator Clinton said she is not opposed to "psychological warfare" and will take the president's plan under advisement. Senator Obama proposed redeploying troops and ending Iranian minstrel shows but did not supply any details. Senator Kerry recommended a timed countdown, allowing each act of intimidation to fester for a specified number of days, then and only then considering the options if the tactic failed to meet its goals as determined by a nonpartisan committee of swift boat veterans.
On the other hand, Senators McCain and Lieberman cited the proposed tactics as "too weak." They suggested mounting loud speakers along the Iranian border and blasting, non-stop, a recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America." "We could turn the entire country into an Abu Ghraib," McCain pointed out. "After a few days of acoustic proselytisation the Iranians will wish they were Jewish," added Lieberman.
In addition to sending the aircraft carrier Eisenhower into the Persian Gulf, anchored off the coast of Iran, a huge portrait of the Prophet Mohammed will be displayed on its deck together with the words, "Mohammed Is An Israeli Agent" in bold Arabic letters. "That should get their attention," said White House Spokesman Tony Snow.
Thousands of leaflets will also be dropped from U.S. aircraft over Tehran proclaiming that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's grandparents were Zionists, he was secretly Bar Mitzvahed when he turned 13, and he is planning to build a Holocaust museum in Tehran, according to Snow. Given that the news media in Iran is heavily censored and rumors abound, this touch of absurdity is predicted to arouse considerable speculation, he explained.
The coup de grace, said Snow, will be a story broadcast by Voice of America and beamed into Iran about a clandestine night club in Tehran catering to high Iranian officials where alcohol, ham sandwiches, go-go dancers and slot machines are readily available. Although the Iranian government will denounce the broadcast as "vicious lies," many Iranians will be more suspicious of their government than the American news report, Snow said.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice adamantly denied that any U.S. psychological program to counter Iran's intransigency would be an attempt to provoke a military response. "We want the Iranian leadership to know that we are capable of baring our foreskins to achieve what is necessary for peace and democracy in that region," Rice said. "But if Iran so much as sends a rubber raft anywhere near our war ships we will do whatever prophylactic action is necessary to contain the unprovoked aggression."
Reactions to this plan by Democrats were mixed. Senator Clinton said she is not opposed to "psychological warfare" and will take the president's plan under advisement. Senator Obama proposed redeploying troops and ending Iranian minstrel shows but did not supply any details. Senator Kerry recommended a timed countdown, allowing each act of intimidation to fester for a specified number of days, then and only then considering the options if the tactic failed to meet its goals as determined by a nonpartisan committee of swift boat veterans.
On the other hand, Senators McCain and Lieberman cited the proposed tactics as "too weak." They suggested mounting loud speakers along the Iranian border and blasting, non-stop, a recording of Kate Smith singing "God Bless America." "We could turn the entire country into an Abu Ghraib," McCain pointed out. "After a few days of acoustic proselytisation the Iranians will wish they were Jewish," added Lieberman.
