Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Three Guys To Sell American Castoffs
WASHINGTON, April 24 - A newly formed U.S. corporation will help rescue manufacturers of products either banned or losing market share within the U.S. with sales to third-world countries. Named "Three Guys From DC" and headed by three former senior members of the Bush Administration, the corporation is expected to rival companies like Enron, Tyco and Halliburton with unprecedented growth.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, former World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have teamed up to make a killing in the international marketplace. They will be promoting everything from drugs that have been pulled from the market due to safety considerations to switch-blade knives and Saturday night specials.
"With a limited number of salesmen and some American-style arm twisting we will be moving huge amounts of castoff items throughout Africa, South America and the Middle East," predicted Rumsfeld.
"If these countries don't have the wherewithal to make purchases from our vast catalogue of American-made goodies we will give them credit at favorable interest rates of about 20%," added Wolfowitz.
"Although some of our items may have questionable value and safety concerns, it is perfectly legal to sell them outside the U.S.," explained Gonzales. "I don't recall any laws or constraints that would make us liable for adverse consequences from our products."
Featured in the company's inaugural catalogue are cheap, unfiltered cigarettes with a nicotine additive, Home & Garden DDT, Mad-Cow brand animal feed, and Vioxx from Merck & Company. Hand guns for as little as $9.95 U.S. will be marketed as "debt collectors" and "marriage fixers" in countries with weak legal systems, according to the three guys.
Wall Street investors have given the corporation its highest rating. "You have a CEO who can sell anything, including a hair-brained war; a chairman who can plan anything from an Iraq invasion to a high paid mistress; and a top legal advisor who sees no evil, hears no evil, and remembers nothing," described a former Arthur Andersen CPA who requested anonymity. "How can you beat that team?"
Three Guys From DC will be soliciting U.S. products with a slogan "Don't Be A Chump, Let Us Do Your Dump." But in the overseas marketplace the slogan will read "American Products To Die For." The three guys will even perform a singing commercial to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain."
Republican lawmakers are flocking to take advantage of the initial public offering. "This type of American ingenuity is vital to the economic health of our nation," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "It's amazing what will develop when you combine the wits of three individuals for a total of one-and-a-half. That's enough brain power to send a man to Uranus," he added.
Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, former World Bank President Paul Wolfowitz, and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have teamed up to make a killing in the international marketplace. They will be promoting everything from drugs that have been pulled from the market due to safety considerations to switch-blade knives and Saturday night specials.
"With a limited number of salesmen and some American-style arm twisting we will be moving huge amounts of castoff items throughout Africa, South America and the Middle East," predicted Rumsfeld.
"If these countries don't have the wherewithal to make purchases from our vast catalogue of American-made goodies we will give them credit at favorable interest rates of about 20%," added Wolfowitz.
"Although some of our items may have questionable value and safety concerns, it is perfectly legal to sell them outside the U.S.," explained Gonzales. "I don't recall any laws or constraints that would make us liable for adverse consequences from our products."
Featured in the company's inaugural catalogue are cheap, unfiltered cigarettes with a nicotine additive, Home & Garden DDT, Mad-Cow brand animal feed, and Vioxx from Merck & Company. Hand guns for as little as $9.95 U.S. will be marketed as "debt collectors" and "marriage fixers" in countries with weak legal systems, according to the three guys.
Wall Street investors have given the corporation its highest rating. "You have a CEO who can sell anything, including a hair-brained war; a chairman who can plan anything from an Iraq invasion to a high paid mistress; and a top legal advisor who sees no evil, hears no evil, and remembers nothing," described a former Arthur Andersen CPA who requested anonymity. "How can you beat that team?"
Three Guys From DC will be soliciting U.S. products with a slogan "Don't Be A Chump, Let Us Do Your Dump." But in the overseas marketplace the slogan will read "American Products To Die For." The three guys will even perform a singing commercial to the tune of "If I Only Had A Brain."
Republican lawmakers are flocking to take advantage of the initial public offering. "This type of American ingenuity is vital to the economic health of our nation," said presidential hopeful John McCain. "It's amazing what will develop when you combine the wits of three individuals for a total of one-and-a-half. That's enough brain power to send a man to Uranus," he added.
