Saturday, April 28, 2007
McCain Will Have The Last Laughs
WASHINGTON, April 28 - Senator John McCain said that if he doesn't become the Republican presidential nominee he will quit the Senate and become a stand-up comic. McCain admitted frustration about having to be very careful, as a politician, when attempting humor in public. "I have a natural comic persona," he explained, "and it has been largely stifled since I was released from the POW camp in Vietnam."
The presidential hopeful from Arizona said he has committed to memory hundreds of original ethnic, sexist, and homophobic jokes that are bursting his seams. "If you think 'Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran' was funny," said the Senator, "wait 'til you hear the one about the abortionist, priest, and faggot entering a bar."
McCain related how he survived as a prisoner of war for five years by entertaining his Vietnamese captors with American-style comic routines. "They didn't get it at first," he admitted, "but after a couple of years they started to laugh at inappropriate times." He said they particularly liked his impersonations of President Nixon jumping up and down while scratching under his arms.
The Senator said he often entertains his staff with dead Iraqi jokes, impersonations of lazy southern negroes, and one-man skits involving dumb blonds and homosexuals. "There is nothing sacred when I am in the privacy of my office," he admitted.
"I even sing a song about the Bush Administration to the tune of Colonel Bogey, the theme song from Bridge On The River Kwai. During the war British troops supplied offensive words to this tune about Hitler, Goering and Himmler," McCain pointed out. When asked to sing it for this reporter McCain stood on his desk and belted out these lyrics:
Cheney, has only one ball;
Bushy, has two but they are small;
Alberto, left his in Gitmo,
And Condi has none at all.
McCain concedes that some people may find his humor offensive. But he will tell them to "lighten up." If people can't joke about one another, according to the Senator, then there's no point to living in a democracy. "When the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds can poke fun at each other's religious beliefs without losing their heads then there will be some hope for a stable Iraq," he predicted.
While the jury is still out on McCain the presidential nominee or entertainer, many Republicans now say they will vote for him just to keep him off the stage. "I will serve my country in either capacity," said the Senator. "What America needs today is either a down-to-earth leader in flip-flops or a comic who is an equal opportunity offender. I can fulfill either role."
The presidential hopeful from Arizona said he has committed to memory hundreds of original ethnic, sexist, and homophobic jokes that are bursting his seams. "If you think 'Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran' was funny," said the Senator, "wait 'til you hear the one about the abortionist, priest, and faggot entering a bar."
McCain related how he survived as a prisoner of war for five years by entertaining his Vietnamese captors with American-style comic routines. "They didn't get it at first," he admitted, "but after a couple of years they started to laugh at inappropriate times." He said they particularly liked his impersonations of President Nixon jumping up and down while scratching under his arms.
The Senator said he often entertains his staff with dead Iraqi jokes, impersonations of lazy southern negroes, and one-man skits involving dumb blonds and homosexuals. "There is nothing sacred when I am in the privacy of my office," he admitted.
"I even sing a song about the Bush Administration to the tune of Colonel Bogey, the theme song from Bridge On The River Kwai. During the war British troops supplied offensive words to this tune about Hitler, Goering and Himmler," McCain pointed out. When asked to sing it for this reporter McCain stood on his desk and belted out these lyrics:
Cheney, has only one ball;
Bushy, has two but they are small;
Alberto, left his in Gitmo,
And Condi has none at all.
McCain concedes that some people may find his humor offensive. But he will tell them to "lighten up." If people can't joke about one another, according to the Senator, then there's no point to living in a democracy. "When the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds can poke fun at each other's religious beliefs without losing their heads then there will be some hope for a stable Iraq," he predicted.
While the jury is still out on McCain the presidential nominee or entertainer, many Republicans now say they will vote for him just to keep him off the stage. "I will serve my country in either capacity," said the Senator. "What America needs today is either a down-to-earth leader in flip-flops or a comic who is an equal opportunity offender. I can fulfill either role."
