Sunday, April 08, 2007
"If I Only Had A Brain" – McCain Gets His Wish
WASHINGTON, April 8 - In response to a faltering presidential campaign, Senator John McCain announced that he will undergo a brain transplant at the Walter Reed Army Medical Center. The donated brain, said the presidential hopeful, will come from a prominent member of the Republican party, but he declined to supply the donor's name or any details.
McCain's intelligence has been seriously questioned in recent months. His unequivocal support of the Iraq war, the staged shopping spree at a Baghdad marketplace, and his description of Democratic congressmen as "pussywhipped pansies" has led potential contributors to his campaign to withhold support.
A team of doctors at Walter Reed who examined McCain concluded that his five years of torture and captivity in Vietnam may be the cause of spontaneous synapse misfires in his brain's frontal lobes, resulting in erratic behavior, similar to a normally friendly dog suddenly attacking its master.
This may account for some of his poor judgment including his financial dealings with Charles Keating who was convicted of racketeering and fraud in both state and federal court after his Lincoln Savings & Loan collapsed, and sending birthday regards and regrets for not attending, to Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonano, the head of the New York Bonano crime family, who had retired to Arizona.
McCain said the transplant will improve his image among all segments of the Republican Party, especially those who accuse him of marching down the yellow brick road in his bid for the presidency with straw for brains. "I admit I made a number of tactical errors in my campaign but soon I will have the wherewithal to challenge any Democratic candidate, including the lady and the chimp," he argued.
The Republican presidential hopeful said he has complete confidence in the doctors and staff at Walter Reed. "Any American wounded in Iraq will get the full benefits of this high caliber facility," he announced. But it was learned that McCain's surgeons will come from Johns Hopkins and a special recovery room, designed by California architect Frank Geary and decorated by Martha Stewart, was recently installed to accommodate the Senator.
While no one in Washington disputes the fact that McCain could benefit from a brain transplant, there is much speculation about the donor. According to a high administration official who requested anonymity, the Bush family may sacrifice one of its own as the only viable way to keep Republicans in power. "A genuine war hero who thinks and acts like a Bush may be just the right combination to win the election in 2008," said the source. "It's a Republican no-brainer."
McCain's intelligence has been seriously questioned in recent months. His unequivocal support of the Iraq war, the staged shopping spree at a Baghdad marketplace, and his description of Democratic congressmen as "pussywhipped pansies" has led potential contributors to his campaign to withhold support.
A team of doctors at Walter Reed who examined McCain concluded that his five years of torture and captivity in Vietnam may be the cause of spontaneous synapse misfires in his brain's frontal lobes, resulting in erratic behavior, similar to a normally friendly dog suddenly attacking its master.
This may account for some of his poor judgment including his financial dealings with Charles Keating who was convicted of racketeering and fraud in both state and federal court after his Lincoln Savings & Loan collapsed, and sending birthday regards and regrets for not attending, to Joseph "Joe Bananas" Bonano, the head of the New York Bonano crime family, who had retired to Arizona.
McCain said the transplant will improve his image among all segments of the Republican Party, especially those who accuse him of marching down the yellow brick road in his bid for the presidency with straw for brains. "I admit I made a number of tactical errors in my campaign but soon I will have the wherewithal to challenge any Democratic candidate, including the lady and the chimp," he argued.
The Republican presidential hopeful said he has complete confidence in the doctors and staff at Walter Reed. "Any American wounded in Iraq will get the full benefits of this high caliber facility," he announced. But it was learned that McCain's surgeons will come from Johns Hopkins and a special recovery room, designed by California architect Frank Geary and decorated by Martha Stewart, was recently installed to accommodate the Senator.
While no one in Washington disputes the fact that McCain could benefit from a brain transplant, there is much speculation about the donor. According to a high administration official who requested anonymity, the Bush family may sacrifice one of its own as the only viable way to keep Republicans in power. "A genuine war hero who thinks and acts like a Bush may be just the right combination to win the election in 2008," said the source. "It's a Republican no-brainer."
