Friday, June 30, 2006
Senators Debate Protection of American Icons
WASHINGTON, June 30 - Utah Senator Orin Hatch introduced legislation that would make it a federal offense to publicly demean, degrade, or debauch three American icons -- motherhood, apple pie and Jesus Christ. He said new laws are needed to put the brakes on the nation's "moral decay."
The proposed legislation would ban the use of "mother" as an adjective depicting an unusually large size such as "the mother of all flatulence." It would also make derogatory expressions such as "motherfucker" and "mother-in-law" illegal.
Senator Hatch said while he had no problems with words such as Mother Goose and mother-of-pearl, other expressions such as mother lode and Mother Hubbard fall into gray areas. People with dirty minds equate "lode" with a bowel movement and it isn't clear who gave whom a bone in the Hubbard rhyme, Hatch pointed out.
The proposed legislation states that "henceforth, all references to apple pie will include the prefix 'American.'" It would be unlawful to refer to this pastry using the French words "tarte aux pommes" or use this desert in competitive pie eating contests. However, the expression "a mother slice of apple pie" falls into one of those gray areas, admitted Hatch .
"We also need to protect and copyright the letters "JC" as they can refer to Christ as well as pedestrian names and expressions such as junior counselor, Johnny Cash, and joint compound," said Hatch. "I have even seen it on hospital bassinettes indicating the male baby was 'just circumcised.'"
Many Republican senators were sympathetic to the proposed legislation, some even calling for a constitutional amendment, while others had concerns. Maine Senator Susan Collins pointed out that blueberry and strawberry pies, two traditional Maine deserts, also warrant protection. Idaho Senator Mike Crapo said although he personally would like to protect politicians from name-related ridicule, his constituents want to ban the expressions potato head and couch potato.
Democratic leaders warned that raising motherhood to a legal or constitutional status would be just another step toward banning abortions. Also, copyrighting the initials "JC" would elevate Christ above all other prophets. "There's a reason why people say 'Jesus Christ' when they're upset and not 'Holy Moses' or 'Mohammed My Ass,'" noted Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
However, Democrats said they might compromise on giving constitutional protection to apple pie as long as Republicans refrain from renaming Ida Reds. "These wonderful apples have no Communist ties," Massachusetts Senator John Kerry pointed out. "They are as American as French fries and French toast and should be phased in for protected status over a five-year period under the better red than dead banner, giving each State a one-third to three-fifths vote, based on its estimated population in 2010, to determine the future of this superb fruit."
"Christ!" said an exasperated Hatch. "You can take your motherfreakin Ida Reds and stick them up your apple pie," he exclaimed. "I've had enough of you immoral Democrats opposing the war in Iraq, whining about wiretapping, and now belittling God's gifts to the American people. Don't you have any shame, Senator Kerry?"
The proposed legislation would ban the use of "mother" as an adjective depicting an unusually large size such as "the mother of all flatulence." It would also make derogatory expressions such as "motherfucker" and "mother-in-law" illegal.
Senator Hatch said while he had no problems with words such as Mother Goose and mother-of-pearl, other expressions such as mother lode and Mother Hubbard fall into gray areas. People with dirty minds equate "lode" with a bowel movement and it isn't clear who gave whom a bone in the Hubbard rhyme, Hatch pointed out.
The proposed legislation states that "henceforth, all references to apple pie will include the prefix 'American.'" It would be unlawful to refer to this pastry using the French words "tarte aux pommes" or use this desert in competitive pie eating contests. However, the expression "a mother slice of apple pie" falls into one of those gray areas, admitted Hatch .
"We also need to protect and copyright the letters "JC" as they can refer to Christ as well as pedestrian names and expressions such as junior counselor, Johnny Cash, and joint compound," said Hatch. "I have even seen it on hospital bassinettes indicating the male baby was 'just circumcised.'"
Many Republican senators were sympathetic to the proposed legislation, some even calling for a constitutional amendment, while others had concerns. Maine Senator Susan Collins pointed out that blueberry and strawberry pies, two traditional Maine deserts, also warrant protection. Idaho Senator Mike Crapo said although he personally would like to protect politicians from name-related ridicule, his constituents want to ban the expressions potato head and couch potato.
Democratic leaders warned that raising motherhood to a legal or constitutional status would be just another step toward banning abortions. Also, copyrighting the initials "JC" would elevate Christ above all other prophets. "There's a reason why people say 'Jesus Christ' when they're upset and not 'Holy Moses' or 'Mohammed My Ass,'" noted Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
However, Democrats said they might compromise on giving constitutional protection to apple pie as long as Republicans refrain from renaming Ida Reds. "These wonderful apples have no Communist ties," Massachusetts Senator John Kerry pointed out. "They are as American as French fries and French toast and should be phased in for protected status over a five-year period under the better red than dead banner, giving each State a one-third to three-fifths vote, based on its estimated population in 2010, to determine the future of this superb fruit."
"Christ!" said an exasperated Hatch. "You can take your motherfreakin Ida Reds and stick them up your apple pie," he exclaimed. "I've had enough of you immoral Democrats opposing the war in Iraq, whining about wiretapping, and now belittling God's gifts to the American people. Don't you have any shame, Senator Kerry?"
Monday, June 12, 2006
Same Sex Affection Ban Proposed
WASHINGTON, June 12 -Tennessee Senator Bill Frist introduced a constitutional amendment that would allow public displays of affection only between a man and a woman. Frist said it was time to put an end to visible signs of immorality that are distasteful to many and could infect young, impressionable minds.
"As a physician I can predict that children who see men showing affection to men or women showing affection to women will be encouraged to adopt a homosexual lifestyle," Frist said. "Let us declare a war on inappropriate sexual behavior," he announced in the Senate chamber.
Frist described "displays of affection" to include hand holding, hugging, and kissing on any part of the body above the shoulders. He proposed that States organize volunteer "morality police" who would be authorized to shave the heads of any offending parties.
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham suggested an addition to the constitutional amendment that would allow public displays of affection only between men and women of the same race. While there is little anyone can do about Oreo Cookies and the co-mingling of vanilla and chocolate ice cream, he pointed out, the nation's laws could keep interracial couples from publicly displaying any form of intimacy.
South Dakota Senator John Thune proposed making all contact sports co-ed. "Masochistic football players and homosexual viewers may be experiencing sexual pleasure from the rough and tumble," Thune warned. "It seems to me it would be more natural to have men and women piling on top of each other on a muddy field," he said.
President Bush in an address to the nation called upon religious leaders to condemn unnatural acts in public view. He explained that most white, Christian Americans would rather see a U.S. Marine kill a suspected terrorist than two men walking down the street holding hands. "We need to send the right messages to our young people who will be our future leaders," Bush said.
Focus on the Family Director Dr. James Dobson offered to organize a nation-wide volunteer police force to defend the Constitution if the amendment is passed. "Cutting hair may not be an effective deterrent," he said. "We may have to resort to castration and genital mutilation before we see any impact."
The loudest opposition to the amendment came from Italian-American organizations. "If men can't hug and kiss each other, how will organized business partners know whom they can trust?" questioned a spokesman for the Italian Brotherhood of Waste Disposal Inc. "All our brothers were made in America and affection between men is a sign of respect" he pointed out.
Despite the opposition, Frist was optimistic the amendment would succeed. "And at that time we will make Heterosexual Pride Day a national holiday," he proclaimed.
"As a physician I can predict that children who see men showing affection to men or women showing affection to women will be encouraged to adopt a homosexual lifestyle," Frist said. "Let us declare a war on inappropriate sexual behavior," he announced in the Senate chamber.
Frist described "displays of affection" to include hand holding, hugging, and kissing on any part of the body above the shoulders. He proposed that States organize volunteer "morality police" who would be authorized to shave the heads of any offending parties.
South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham suggested an addition to the constitutional amendment that would allow public displays of affection only between men and women of the same race. While there is little anyone can do about Oreo Cookies and the co-mingling of vanilla and chocolate ice cream, he pointed out, the nation's laws could keep interracial couples from publicly displaying any form of intimacy.
South Dakota Senator John Thune proposed making all contact sports co-ed. "Masochistic football players and homosexual viewers may be experiencing sexual pleasure from the rough and tumble," Thune warned. "It seems to me it would be more natural to have men and women piling on top of each other on a muddy field," he said.
President Bush in an address to the nation called upon religious leaders to condemn unnatural acts in public view. He explained that most white, Christian Americans would rather see a U.S. Marine kill a suspected terrorist than two men walking down the street holding hands. "We need to send the right messages to our young people who will be our future leaders," Bush said.
Focus on the Family Director Dr. James Dobson offered to organize a nation-wide volunteer police force to defend the Constitution if the amendment is passed. "Cutting hair may not be an effective deterrent," he said. "We may have to resort to castration and genital mutilation before we see any impact."
The loudest opposition to the amendment came from Italian-American organizations. "If men can't hug and kiss each other, how will organized business partners know whom they can trust?" questioned a spokesman for the Italian Brotherhood of Waste Disposal Inc. "All our brothers were made in America and affection between men is a sign of respect" he pointed out.
Despite the opposition, Frist was optimistic the amendment would succeed. "And at that time we will make Heterosexual Pride Day a national holiday," he proclaimed.
