Friday, June 30, 2006
Senators Debate Protection of American Icons
WASHINGTON, June 30 - Utah Senator Orin Hatch introduced legislation that would make it a federal offense to publicly demean, degrade, or debauch three American icons -- motherhood, apple pie and Jesus Christ. He said new laws are needed to put the brakes on the nation's "moral decay."
The proposed legislation would ban the use of "mother" as an adjective depicting an unusually large size such as "the mother of all flatulence." It would also make derogatory expressions such as "motherfucker" and "mother-in-law" illegal.
Senator Hatch said while he had no problems with words such as Mother Goose and mother-of-pearl, other expressions such as mother lode and Mother Hubbard fall into gray areas. People with dirty minds equate "lode" with a bowel movement and it isn't clear who gave whom a bone in the Hubbard rhyme, Hatch pointed out.
The proposed legislation states that "henceforth, all references to apple pie will include the prefix 'American.'" It would be unlawful to refer to this pastry using the French words "tarte aux pommes" or use this desert in competitive pie eating contests. However, the expression "a mother slice of apple pie" falls into one of those gray areas, admitted Hatch .
"We also need to protect and copyright the letters "JC" as they can refer to Christ as well as pedestrian names and expressions such as junior counselor, Johnny Cash, and joint compound," said Hatch. "I have even seen it on hospital bassinettes indicating the male baby was 'just circumcised.'"
Many Republican senators were sympathetic to the proposed legislation, some even calling for a constitutional amendment, while others had concerns. Maine Senator Susan Collins pointed out that blueberry and strawberry pies, two traditional Maine deserts, also warrant protection. Idaho Senator Mike Crapo said although he personally would like to protect politicians from name-related ridicule, his constituents want to ban the expressions potato head and couch potato.
Democratic leaders warned that raising motherhood to a legal or constitutional status would be just another step toward banning abortions. Also, copyrighting the initials "JC" would elevate Christ above all other prophets. "There's a reason why people say 'Jesus Christ' when they're upset and not 'Holy Moses' or 'Mohammed My Ass,'" noted Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
However, Democrats said they might compromise on giving constitutional protection to apple pie as long as Republicans refrain from renaming Ida Reds. "These wonderful apples have no Communist ties," Massachusetts Senator John Kerry pointed out. "They are as American as French fries and French toast and should be phased in for protected status over a five-year period under the better red than dead banner, giving each State a one-third to three-fifths vote, based on its estimated population in 2010, to determine the future of this superb fruit."
"Christ!" said an exasperated Hatch. "You can take your motherfreakin Ida Reds and stick them up your apple pie," he exclaimed. "I've had enough of you immoral Democrats opposing the war in Iraq, whining about wiretapping, and now belittling God's gifts to the American people. Don't you have any shame, Senator Kerry?"
The proposed legislation would ban the use of "mother" as an adjective depicting an unusually large size such as "the mother of all flatulence." It would also make derogatory expressions such as "motherfucker" and "mother-in-law" illegal.
Senator Hatch said while he had no problems with words such as Mother Goose and mother-of-pearl, other expressions such as mother lode and Mother Hubbard fall into gray areas. People with dirty minds equate "lode" with a bowel movement and it isn't clear who gave whom a bone in the Hubbard rhyme, Hatch pointed out.
The proposed legislation states that "henceforth, all references to apple pie will include the prefix 'American.'" It would be unlawful to refer to this pastry using the French words "tarte aux pommes" or use this desert in competitive pie eating contests. However, the expression "a mother slice of apple pie" falls into one of those gray areas, admitted Hatch .
"We also need to protect and copyright the letters "JC" as they can refer to Christ as well as pedestrian names and expressions such as junior counselor, Johnny Cash, and joint compound," said Hatch. "I have even seen it on hospital bassinettes indicating the male baby was 'just circumcised.'"
Many Republican senators were sympathetic to the proposed legislation, some even calling for a constitutional amendment, while others had concerns. Maine Senator Susan Collins pointed out that blueberry and strawberry pies, two traditional Maine deserts, also warrant protection. Idaho Senator Mike Crapo said although he personally would like to protect politicians from name-related ridicule, his constituents want to ban the expressions potato head and couch potato.
Democratic leaders warned that raising motherhood to a legal or constitutional status would be just another step toward banning abortions. Also, copyrighting the initials "JC" would elevate Christ above all other prophets. "There's a reason why people say 'Jesus Christ' when they're upset and not 'Holy Moses' or 'Mohammed My Ass,'" noted Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman.
However, Democrats said they might compromise on giving constitutional protection to apple pie as long as Republicans refrain from renaming Ida Reds. "These wonderful apples have no Communist ties," Massachusetts Senator John Kerry pointed out. "They are as American as French fries and French toast and should be phased in for protected status over a five-year period under the better red than dead banner, giving each State a one-third to three-fifths vote, based on its estimated population in 2010, to determine the future of this superb fruit."
"Christ!" said an exasperated Hatch. "You can take your motherfreakin Ida Reds and stick them up your apple pie," he exclaimed. "I've had enough of you immoral Democrats opposing the war in Iraq, whining about wiretapping, and now belittling God's gifts to the American people. Don't you have any shame, Senator Kerry?"
