Monday, November 21, 2005
Cheney Responds To Critics By Signing Up
WASHINGTON, Nov. 21 - Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to Representative John Murtha's comment about Cheney's military deferments, has volunteered to serve in an Army combat unit stationed in Iraq. Despite his age and physical condition, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who hasn't ruled out the use of a nuclear option in Iraq, has cleared the way for the vice president to experience the war zone first hand.
Cheney will undergo basic training at an unnamed Washington health club where he will, on a daily basis, soak in a hot tub, perform stretching exercises under the watchful eyes of a team of physicians, followed by a massage, a martini, and playing a video war game. A spokesperson for the vice president said Cheney will be ready to ship out in four to six weeks. Cheney has reportedly requested an assignment where he will see "plenty of live action."
While Democrats were accusing the vice president of staging a publicity stunt, senator John "Swift" Kerry of Massachusetts was rolling out another phased withdrawal plan. He recommended that 2006 be divided into 33 quadrants, with each quadrant given a numerical score based on the number of American casualties during that period. By dividing the casualty figures with the total number of American troops in Iraq, a percentage figure will emerge, Kerry explained. This figure will then be used to determine the percent reduction of the total number of troops in the following quadrant.
Former presidential candidate Al Gore endorsed Kerry's plan, suggesting that all the calculations be kept in a locked box for security. Gore, who now admits to being "politically challenged" has offered to donate one of these boxes from his own personal collection. "This is a tried and true way of communicating with the American people," Gore said.
Meanwhile Republican Congressional leaders continue to insist that consistency in U.S. Iraq policies will lead to a hobnob of smaller and smaller mines. "Any idiot knows," said Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, who previously described the war in Iraq as an "Intelligent design," "that if you keep doing the same things over and over and they don't appear to be working, you have an abortion on your hands and I'm against killing babies."
President Bush commended Cheney for his patriotism and suggested that others in his administration follow the vice president's example. "I can run this country all by my damn self if need be," Bush said. "We have to show the American people that we will put a rifle's butt where our mouths are," he added.
Cheney said he's looking forward to a new challenge. "I can't wait to kill my first insurgent!" he exclaimed. "I will go in there shouting 'kill, kill, kill' and those dirty, Arab, Muslim motherfuckers will run for their lives."
"I hope the vice president will tone down his rhetoric," Bush commented. "Arabs are very nice people. Some of my best friends are Arabs," he pointed out.
Cheney will undergo basic training at an unnamed Washington health club where he will, on a daily basis, soak in a hot tub, perform stretching exercises under the watchful eyes of a team of physicians, followed by a massage, a martini, and playing a video war game. A spokesperson for the vice president said Cheney will be ready to ship out in four to six weeks. Cheney has reportedly requested an assignment where he will see "plenty of live action."
While Democrats were accusing the vice president of staging a publicity stunt, senator John "Swift" Kerry of Massachusetts was rolling out another phased withdrawal plan. He recommended that 2006 be divided into 33 quadrants, with each quadrant given a numerical score based on the number of American casualties during that period. By dividing the casualty figures with the total number of American troops in Iraq, a percentage figure will emerge, Kerry explained. This figure will then be used to determine the percent reduction of the total number of troops in the following quadrant.
Former presidential candidate Al Gore endorsed Kerry's plan, suggesting that all the calculations be kept in a locked box for security. Gore, who now admits to being "politically challenged" has offered to donate one of these boxes from his own personal collection. "This is a tried and true way of communicating with the American people," Gore said.
Meanwhile Republican Congressional leaders continue to insist that consistency in U.S. Iraq policies will lead to a hobnob of smaller and smaller mines. "Any idiot knows," said Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, who previously described the war in Iraq as an "Intelligent design," "that if you keep doing the same things over and over and they don't appear to be working, you have an abortion on your hands and I'm against killing babies."
President Bush commended Cheney for his patriotism and suggested that others in his administration follow the vice president's example. "I can run this country all by my damn self if need be," Bush said. "We have to show the American people that we will put a rifle's butt where our mouths are," he added.
Cheney said he's looking forward to a new challenge. "I can't wait to kill my first insurgent!" he exclaimed. "I will go in there shouting 'kill, kill, kill' and those dirty, Arab, Muslim motherfuckers will run for their lives."
"I hope the vice president will tone down his rhetoric," Bush commented. "Arabs are very nice people. Some of my best friends are Arabs," he pointed out.
