Cheaters and Liars

Cheaters & Liars was able to obtain an interview with President George W. Bush with the promise that we would not ask about the war in Iraq. We proposed a discussion about unifying a divided America. The President readily agreed. The following are highlights of that interview, held at the Living Bible Baptist Church in Washington, DC.

C&L: Mr. President, the writer and columnist Ann Coulter recently stated in a television interview that America would be better off if everyone was Christian. She claimed that Christians were "perfected Jews" and suggested if Jews could accept Christ there would be more harmony in our country.

GWB: That's true. But I would take it a step further. Ideally, everyone in the United States would be white Christians. Then we wouldn't have the racial divide that often tears us apart today.

C&L: How could that possibly ever happen with all the African Americans, Hispanics, and Asians in our society?

GWB: Being white is not just a physical attribute, but also a state of mind. If everyone thought and acted white, people's physical color would be less important and less conspicuous.

C&L: How does one "think and act white," Mr. President?

GWB: Let me give you some examples. A white Christian might read "Snow White" to his or her children, listen to songs like "White Christmas," eat white bread, and root for the Chicago White Sox. People of color could wear a discrete white "W" pin, letting others know they are making an attempt to conform to a white America.

C&L: Wouldn't it be difficult to overcome vast cultural differences?

GWB: It would certainly be a challenge. Just ask Clarence Thomas. Colored folks, for example, feel the need to exaggerate and fabricate to compensate for their feelings of inferiority. But they could be more in tune with society if they told little white lies, just like we do here in Washington.

C&L: That may work for minorities in the middle class, but what about the poor and disenfranchised?

GWB: If they want to become white trash, that's OK. Those folks, like most white Christians, are against gun control, big government, and illegal immigrants. We have a lot in common with them.

C&L: Isn't there a danger of radical African Americans denouncing members of their race trying to be white, calling them Uncle Toms and Oreos?

GWB: I don't recall anything objectionable about the white Uncle Tom in that wonderful children's book "My Little Goat." And the Oreo cookie has survived for generations while others have crumbled due to changes in taste and style. I would be proud to be called an Oreo in the Al Jolson tradition.

C&L: Aside from racial harmony, what other advantages would there be in an all white, Christian society?

GWB: Political harmony. Then everyone would be a Republican. Just imagine an entire country of Republicans! I can see it now, America as one, big, happy-go-lucky White Elephant!

C&L: Thank you Mr. President.

WASHINGTON, October 10 - Dr. James Dobson, founder of Focus on Fertility and spokesman for the Republican Rednecks, labeled a conservative "stink-tank" by the National Republican Committee, has threatened to organize a new political party if either Rudolph Giuliani or Mitt Romney receive the party's presidential nomination.

Dobson refers to the two leading Republican contenders as "tweedle-me and tweedle-dumb" because, he says, they have been flip-flopping on tough conservative issues. "If they continue to waffle they will end up with egg on their faces," he warns.

Dobson, who earned his doctorate at Blue Ball Bible College in the heart of Pennsylvania's Amish country, and who led the drive to remove the final letter "s" from both the town's and college's name, has been a long standing conservative crusader in the fetus civil rights movement. "We gave women the vote, negroes the vote, and 18-year-olds the vote. The time has come to give fetuses the vote," Dobson proclaims .

If he decides to run as a third-party candidate, Dobson will propose an anti-discrimination bill for fetuses covering housing, employment, and marriage. "When homos are demanding the right to marry while fetuses don't even have the right to be born, something is terribly wrong in our society," he says.

If elected President, Dobson promises to institute gay-bashing, illegal immigrant-bashing, and liberal Democrat-bashing as national holidays. He will also call for the unequivocal support for the State of Israel. "The Bible says it's OK to 'nuke thy neighbors' if they threaten your existence," Dobson points out. "We should encourage the Israelis to consider a final solution to the Arab problem."

Dobson's organization, Focus on Fertility, has been a leader for a woman's right to be barefoot, pregnant, and kitchen-bound. The organization advertises free self-help kits for women in Wal-Mart stores around the country that include a rubber replica fetus, a babydoll nightie, the cookbook "101 Recipes With Hamburg Helper," and a Stepford Wives DVD. The organization has received millions of dollars in donations from white, Christian, Republican men.

The Republican Rednecks, according to Dobson, are keeping a close eye on the presidential primaries and may nominate a James Dobson-David Duke ticket for a neo-conservative Clean Sheets Party. "A white sheet represents ethnic purity, honesty, and cleanliness," Dobson explains. And that's why, he says, Duke, who has long-standing ties to white sheets, would be the ideal running mate.

A spokesman for Duke said the former triple-K political activist had no comment as he was busy preparing for an historic Crusades-Denying Conference at the Vatican.