Monday, November 21, 2005
Cheney Responds To Critics By Signing Up
WASHINGTON, Nov. 21 - Vice President Dick Cheney, in response to Representative John Murtha's comment about Cheney's military deferments, has volunteered to serve in an Army combat unit stationed in Iraq. Despite his age and physical condition, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, who hasn't ruled out the use of a nuclear option in Iraq, has cleared the way for the vice president to experience the war zone first hand.
Cheney will undergo basic training at an unnamed Washington health club where he will, on a daily basis, soak in a hot tub, perform stretching exercises under the watchful eyes of a team of physicians, followed by a massage, a martini, and playing a video war game. A spokesperson for the vice president said Cheney will be ready to ship out in four to six weeks. Cheney has reportedly requested an assignment where he will see "plenty of live action."
While Democrats were accusing the vice president of staging a publicity stunt, senator John "Swift" Kerry of Massachusetts was rolling out another phased withdrawal plan. He recommended that 2006 be divided into 33 quadrants, with each quadrant given a numerical score based on the number of American casualties during that period. By dividing the casualty figures with the total number of American troops in Iraq, a percentage figure will emerge, Kerry explained. This figure will then be used to determine the percent reduction of the total number of troops in the following quadrant.
Former presidential candidate Al Gore endorsed Kerry's plan, suggesting that all the calculations be kept in a locked box for security. Gore, who now admits to being "politically challenged" has offered to donate one of these boxes from his own personal collection. "This is a tried and true way of communicating with the American people," Gore said.
Meanwhile Republican Congressional leaders continue to insist that consistency in U.S. Iraq policies will lead to a hobnob of smaller and smaller mines. "Any idiot knows," said Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, who previously described the war in Iraq as an "Intelligent design," "that if you keep doing the same things over and over and they don't appear to be working, you have an abortion on your hands and I'm against killing babies."
President Bush commended Cheney for his patriotism and suggested that others in his administration follow the vice president's example. "I can run this country all by my damn self if need be," Bush said. "We have to show the American people that we will put a rifle's butt where our mouths are," he added.
Cheney said he's looking forward to a new challenge. "I can't wait to kill my first insurgent!" he exclaimed. "I will go in there shouting 'kill, kill, kill' and those dirty, Arab, Muslim motherfuckers will run for their lives."
"I hope the vice president will tone down his rhetoric," Bush commented. "Arabs are very nice people. Some of my best friends are Arabs," he pointed out.
Cheney will undergo basic training at an unnamed Washington health club where he will, on a daily basis, soak in a hot tub, perform stretching exercises under the watchful eyes of a team of physicians, followed by a massage, a martini, and playing a video war game. A spokesperson for the vice president said Cheney will be ready to ship out in four to six weeks. Cheney has reportedly requested an assignment where he will see "plenty of live action."
While Democrats were accusing the vice president of staging a publicity stunt, senator John "Swift" Kerry of Massachusetts was rolling out another phased withdrawal plan. He recommended that 2006 be divided into 33 quadrants, with each quadrant given a numerical score based on the number of American casualties during that period. By dividing the casualty figures with the total number of American troops in Iraq, a percentage figure will emerge, Kerry explained. This figure will then be used to determine the percent reduction of the total number of troops in the following quadrant.
Former presidential candidate Al Gore endorsed Kerry's plan, suggesting that all the calculations be kept in a locked box for security. Gore, who now admits to being "politically challenged" has offered to donate one of these boxes from his own personal collection. "This is a tried and true way of communicating with the American people," Gore said.
Meanwhile Republican Congressional leaders continue to insist that consistency in U.S. Iraq policies will lead to a hobnob of smaller and smaller mines. "Any idiot knows," said Senator Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, who previously described the war in Iraq as an "Intelligent design," "that if you keep doing the same things over and over and they don't appear to be working, you have an abortion on your hands and I'm against killing babies."
President Bush commended Cheney for his patriotism and suggested that others in his administration follow the vice president's example. "I can run this country all by my damn self if need be," Bush said. "We have to show the American people that we will put a rifle's butt where our mouths are," he added.
Cheney said he's looking forward to a new challenge. "I can't wait to kill my first insurgent!" he exclaimed. "I will go in there shouting 'kill, kill, kill' and those dirty, Arab, Muslim motherfuckers will run for their lives."
"I hope the vice president will tone down his rhetoric," Bush commented. "Arabs are very nice people. Some of my best friends are Arabs," he pointed out.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Powell Admits The WMD Story Was Pure Fiction
WASHINGTON, Nov. 17 - Former Secretary of State Colin Powell now admits the reasons given by the Bush Administration for going to war with Iraq were a total fabrication. He says planning for the invasion began immediately after the Taliban were routed from Afghanistan by U.S. forces.
Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, according to Powell, contracted with third-rate American fiction authors to develop scenarios for justifying an invasion. Some of the more bizarre ideas, Powell recalled, involved a child pornography ring organized by Sunni clerics, an Iraq plan to invade Luxembourg, and forcing Iraqi newspaper writers to testify before the Supreme Judiciary Council.
The idea of Weapons of Mass Destruction came from an unnamed science fiction writer whose latest book is about the discovery of dancing midgets on the rings of Jupiter, Powell noted. Cheney reportedly said the WMD scenario made his heart skip a beat. The acronym, said Rumsfeld, as Powell recalled, could later be used to stand for "Wimpy Mindless Democrats."
When the various stories for justifying a war with Iraq were presented to President Bush, he suggested sending Monica Lewinsky as an undercover agent to Iraq to distract Saddam Hussein while Navy Seals destroyed the country's levee system, sending flood waters into Baghdad. When it was pointed out, according to Powell, that there are no levees in Iraq, Bush appeared confused. "Isn't Iraq the country built below sea level?" he reportedly asked.
Powell said he eventually agreed to the WMD story when Cheney promised to stop calling him an Oreo Cookie, the reference being black on the outside and white inside. Rumsfeld said his staff would deliver a fresh watermelon to Powell once a week, year round. Bush agreed to stop whistling "My Old Kentucky Home" every time Powell entered the Oval Office.
Powell now admits that going along with what he calls the "Bush Cabal" was a "mother mistake." He says he wanted to clear the air before he announced his latest business venture -- a chain of discount prosthetic limb retail outlets serving American veterans wounded in the Iraq war. The start-up company, he said, is being assisted by donations from conservative Republican congressmen. "I suspect they're now feeling a little guilty," he said.
Vice President Dick Cheney and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, according to Powell, contracted with third-rate American fiction authors to develop scenarios for justifying an invasion. Some of the more bizarre ideas, Powell recalled, involved a child pornography ring organized by Sunni clerics, an Iraq plan to invade Luxembourg, and forcing Iraqi newspaper writers to testify before the Supreme Judiciary Council.
The idea of Weapons of Mass Destruction came from an unnamed science fiction writer whose latest book is about the discovery of dancing midgets on the rings of Jupiter, Powell noted. Cheney reportedly said the WMD scenario made his heart skip a beat. The acronym, said Rumsfeld, as Powell recalled, could later be used to stand for "Wimpy Mindless Democrats."
When the various stories for justifying a war with Iraq were presented to President Bush, he suggested sending Monica Lewinsky as an undercover agent to Iraq to distract Saddam Hussein while Navy Seals destroyed the country's levee system, sending flood waters into Baghdad. When it was pointed out, according to Powell, that there are no levees in Iraq, Bush appeared confused. "Isn't Iraq the country built below sea level?" he reportedly asked.
Powell said he eventually agreed to the WMD story when Cheney promised to stop calling him an Oreo Cookie, the reference being black on the outside and white inside. Rumsfeld said his staff would deliver a fresh watermelon to Powell once a week, year round. Bush agreed to stop whistling "My Old Kentucky Home" every time Powell entered the Oval Office.
Powell now admits that going along with what he calls the "Bush Cabal" was a "mother mistake." He says he wanted to clear the air before he announced his latest business venture -- a chain of discount prosthetic limb retail outlets serving American veterans wounded in the Iraq war. The start-up company, he said, is being assisted by donations from conservative Republican congressmen. "I suspect they're now feeling a little guilty," he said.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Whistleblower Cites White House Torture
WASHINGTON, Nov. 15 - Abusive tactics, bordering on torture, are being used on high ranking Bush Administration officials who have critically questioned the government's policies in Iraq, according to a White House source who requested anonymity. Threats of whips, chains and a pitbull terrier were cited as coercive tactics to convince major government players to tow the government line, the source reported.
A member of the Bush cabinet was reportedly made to stand on his head, stark naked, while singing God Bless America. He had suggested a timetable for troop withdrawals at a cabinet meeting and President Bush, according to the source, instructed Vice President Dick Cheney to humiliate the disloyal official until he saw reason. Bush reportedly then left the room, leaving Cheney to met out the punishment.
When Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice wanted to be photographed, holding a whip, next to the head-standing Secretary, Cheney said he didn't think it was appropriate, the source explained. But Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld indicated that it would be OK to photograph the naked man alone, to keep on file for future use if needed. Rice said she would like a copy as she had an empty photo sleeve in her wallet.
Cheney has been observed by a number of sources, who asked not to be identified, walking the halls of the White House with a pitbull in tow. The dog reportedly bit one staffer who had the temerity to inquire about the prisoners in the Guantanamo Bay facility. Since that incident, White House staffers have greeted Cheney with a salute and an exclamatory "hello" in German, one source reported.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClennan denied these allegation. He said Cheney, when asked, replied that the administration uses only "friendly persuasion" to convince nay-sayers to support their government's policies. While the "friendly persuasion" may sometimes get out of hand, it is not the intention of this administration to use tactics in conflict with the Geneva Convention, McClennan said.
"I will stake my credibility as a press secretary that torture, as defined under international law, does not take place in the White House," McClennan added.
A member of the Bush cabinet was reportedly made to stand on his head, stark naked, while singing God Bless America. He had suggested a timetable for troop withdrawals at a cabinet meeting and President Bush, according to the source, instructed Vice President Dick Cheney to humiliate the disloyal official until he saw reason. Bush reportedly then left the room, leaving Cheney to met out the punishment.
When Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice wanted to be photographed, holding a whip, next to the head-standing Secretary, Cheney said he didn't think it was appropriate, the source explained. But Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld indicated that it would be OK to photograph the naked man alone, to keep on file for future use if needed. Rice said she would like a copy as she had an empty photo sleeve in her wallet.
Cheney has been observed by a number of sources, who asked not to be identified, walking the halls of the White House with a pitbull in tow. The dog reportedly bit one staffer who had the temerity to inquire about the prisoners in the Guantanamo Bay facility. Since that incident, White House staffers have greeted Cheney with a salute and an exclamatory "hello" in German, one source reported.
White House Press Secretary Scott McClennan denied these allegation. He said Cheney, when asked, replied that the administration uses only "friendly persuasion" to convince nay-sayers to support their government's policies. While the "friendly persuasion" may sometimes get out of hand, it is not the intention of this administration to use tactics in conflict with the Geneva Convention, McClennan said.
"I will stake my credibility as a press secretary that torture, as defined under international law, does not take place in the White House," McClennan added.
