Cheaters and Liars

WASHINGTON - The National Rifle Association is spending millions of dollars to promote the use of guns to children as young as five years of age.  Called the No Tot Without A Shot program, the NRA hopes to interest young people in the safe use of everything from six-shooters to semi-automatic assault rifles.

“Real guns should be fun for kids,” says NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre‬.  “Instead of toy pistols why don’t we put real rifles in their hands and show them how to safely shoot.  Let’s replace the make believe ‘bang-bang-you’re-dead’ with ‘bang-bang-bulls-eye’.”

The NRA will promote its guns for tots program in TV cartoons and comic books.  Children will be seen carrying western-style six-shooters and military weapons while making the United States safe for democracy by wiping out both domestic criminals and foreign terrorists.  “The point,” says LaPierre, “is to show that good guys with guns are needed to stop bad guys with guns and the police are not always there to protect us.”

While children’s advocates and schoolteachers across the country are outraged at the NRA campaign they admit there is little they can do to stop the gun craze.  “If children want to shoot real guns in a supervised environment it’s up to their parents to decide,” says Marian Wright Edelman, founder of the Children’s Defense Fund.  “Our fear is that one of these kids will turn out to be psychologically unfit to own a gun and become a mass murderer,” she points out.

In response, the NRA notes that any deviant gun owner will be facing a large contingent of his gun-toting peers who will blow his brains out before he has a chance to do any damage.  “Guns don’t kill people, good people with guns kill bad people with guns,” argues LaPierre.  “Who in their right mind would go on a killing spree knowing that many young people are now carrying weapons and trained to use them.”

According to the NRA, kids will soon boast about how many and which type of guns their fathers’ own instead of comparing cars and swimming pools as status symbols.  “We have a Glock 9mm and an AK-47at my house,” is the braggadocio of a typical elementary school student that the NRA is aiming for.  LaPierre also envisions kids trading bullets instead of baseball cards.

The first TV episode for kids will involve a five-year-old who is trained by his father to use a Beretta m9.  Left home alone one night, the little kid foils a break-in by blasting away at the intruder who turns out to be a friendly neighbor.  The lesson, says LaPierre, is not to shoot first and ask questions later.  “By enacting a terrible mistake kids will learn to be more careful with their weapons.”

Eventually the NRA hopes to organize groups of children who will proudly march in public carrying their guns.  “In all modesty, I envision the LaPierre Youth, a paramilitary organization with uniforms and black boots ready to defend Americans against an oppressive government,” says the NRA Executive Vice President.  “No Tot Without A Shot is our marching orders.”

WASHINGTON - President Obama announced today that it was time for Congressmen to make the hard choice between government spending and services.  He said he would take immediate action following a vote on raising the debt limit to sever any congressional district from Social Security, Medicare, aid to education, and a whole host of federal government subsidies whose Congressmen voted “nay.”

“If the majority of folks in a district are opposed to taxes, government borrowing and spending, and would like to keep government out of their lives, then it’s only fair to exempt them from both federal taxes and federal programs,” he said.  “If at some future time they would like to join the rest of the country then they can elect a Congressman who will be supportive of our fiscal policies.”

The President claimed the Constitution gives him the authority to withhold federal money from any rebellious Congressional District.  “I am prepared to sign an executive order to that affect as soon as Congress votes on the debt ceiling or refuses to bring it to a vote.  Let every Congressman who votes “nay” go back home and explain to his constituents why they’re not getting their Social Security checks and why their schools and police departments are forced to lay off many of their employees.”

The President pointed out that the same Congressmen who supported federal disaster money for their State as well as military spending, especially if there’s a military contractor in their district, without a blink of an eye, are some of the same people who complain about big government.  “Many of these Congressmen come from States that receive more money from the federal government than we receive in taxes from them.  Then they have the nerve hold back disaster relief to New York and New Jersey.  What hypocrites!”

Republican response was swift.  House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell claimed the president was a hypocrite by accepting Secret Service protection for his children but not allowing NRA-trained volunteers to ride shotgun at every public school.  He also threatened impeachment proceeding if the president cut off any Congressional District from any federal program.

“We want lower taxes, major cuts to entitlement programs, more money for the military, and a balanced budget,” insisted McConnell.  “Until we get a commitment from the president for the proposed Republican budget he can take the debt limit and shove it,” he added.

A group of private investors including Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and Michael Bloomberg have stepped up to the plate and offered to help the government pay its debts for the remainder of the year at prevailing interest rates.  “When a rear end of a horse threatens to destroy a country’s credit rating it’s time to bring out the whips,” said Buffett.  “A little S&M might be just what this country needs.”

AUSTIN, TEXAS - A coalition of southern states has banded together to form an exploratory organization for the purpose of seceding from the United States.  Called The Confederate Republican Political Alliance or CRPA, its members will consider the pros and cons of forming a separate country.

Led by Texas Governor Rick Perry, Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant and Alabama Governor Dr. Robert Bentley, the organization with invite neighboring states, including Oklahoma, Arkansas, and Louisiana to join the coalition.  A decision on secession will be reached before the end of the year, according to the governors.

“Texans would like to use Mexicans illegally crossing the border for target practice, freely purchase guns without restriction, and execute convicted murderers within 30 days following convictions, no questions asked,” says Governor Perry.  “As long as we’re trapped within the U.S.A. there are too many constraints on our freedom.”

“Folks in Mississippi would like to reinstate the poll tax, segregate our schools, and make lynching a misdemeanor,” says Governor Bryant.  “We’re just sick and tired of the federal government telling us how to run our state.  Life was much better down here when Negros knew their place and white men were never convicted of rape.”

“Here in Alabama we would like to see more Negros with banjos on their knees than at the University,” chimes in Governor Bentley.  “As a medical doctor I can attest to the fact that the colored folk have lower intelligence but are terrific singers and shufflers.  Just look at Nat King Cole, Dinah Washington, and Condolezza Rice, all from Alabama.  They’re great performers who didn’t need no higher education.”

The disadvantages of secession, according to the governors, will be the loss of federal aid for roads and bridges, disaster relief, social security, medicare, and other social programs.  But in their opinion it would be a small price to pay to create a truly white, Christian country where children can pray in public school, abortion and gay marriage are illegal, and evolution is stricken from textbooks.

The favorite name for the new country appears to be The Confederate States of America.  “We would have our own militia,” says Governor Perry, “and the NRA has offered to provide all the guns free of charge.  If the Negros don’t like it they can move to the U.S.A.  We’ll provide a one-way bus ticket to the blue state of their choice free of charge.”

A proposed national anthem may be a revised version of I’m A Good Old Rebel.  Instead of bemoaning the south’s loss to “the lyin’, thievin’ Yankees” it would celebrate its political victory over the “hated Constitution.”  The southern governors claim their constituents would sing I’m A Good Old Rebel holding semi-automatic rifles with a lot more enthusiasm than the unsingable Star Spangled Banner.

“They can take the Stars and Stripes, Civil Rights, and Obamacare and shove it up you know where,” announced Governor Bryant.  “The Bible will be our constitution and heaven help anyone who tries to stop us.”