Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

A Weiner By Any Other Name Is Still A Weiner

WASHINGTON DC - In a tearful voice, standing before the Washington press corps, Congressman Anthony Weiner recalled the teasing he endured as a child because of his last name. “Weiner, Weiner, Anthony’s little weiner,” they would chant. “I suppose it could have been worse if my classical music loving parents named me after the Finnish conductor Esa-Pekka Salonen,” he said. “My tormentors would have had a field day shouting ‘Esa-Pekka Weiner’ over and over.”

The Congressman recalled that he initially hooked up to the Internet in high school when he heard about the unsolicited emails offering penis enlargement. “I tried Big Boy and Long John Silver but nothing seemed to work. When the other boys boasted about members measured in inches I would give my length in centimeters.”

Congressman Weiner was accused by scores of women across the country of attempting to “twitter our twats” by electronically sending them photos of himself wearing only crotchless gym shorts. He allegedly boasted that his Weiner was revered in Congress.

Weiner admitted he used poor judgment and should have been more discrete by wearing a minimum of a jock strap in the photos. The “Kiss My Weiner” bumper stickers mailed to the women, he admitted, were a poor attempt at a joke.

The New York Congressman insisted he broke no laws as he used his own private Apple computer to communicate with the women. He originally claimed that his computer was hacked as an explanation for the x-rated missives and later recanted saying he was just naive about electronic communication.

“I don’t really understand the whole Internet Facebook thing,” he pointed out. “I’m still prowling around in the Snow Leopard Operating System and I wasn’t planning to upgrade to Lion. Perhaps when they introduce Beaver I’ll take a stab at it.”

Weiner’s constituents now refer to him as a “ding-dong” and say he has given the term “member of Congress” a new meaning. “I’ve seen my fair share of assholes in my day,” noted a proctologist in Weiner’s district, “but my Congressman is one of the largest. It’s undoubtedly compensation for the tiny schnitzel between his legs.”

Congressional Democrats are at a loss as to what to do with their wayward colleague who refuses to resign. A Weiner roast has been suggested. So has taking him out to the woodshed for a Weiner whacking. But apparently Weiner will remain in Congress until the end of his term. Then voters will be able size up Big Boy Weiner in a new light.

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